That DP will miss his son's first Christmas :(

[Rosesandviolettes]

I have to be a little vague, sorry.

Our second Christmas together, first with child.


DP and I moved far away geographically from my family but very close to his. DS will be under a year and Christmas will be his first one. My family have seen DS twice. We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine. Only now, DP can't get the time off work; he's only allowed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, not anymore, as his job is really busy this time of year. Things with my family are very strained right now as they miss myself and DS very much, and if I don't follow through on the promise I made them, they'll be livid, plus I miss my sister terribly and want to be with her for Christmas, and my niece. He made this agreement before his work said he couldn't have it off (last Christmas). On the other hand, I don't want DP to miss his son's first Christmas. AIBU to go to my family as DP promised, even if he can't come? We just assumed he could but he can't

[scaryteacher]

I have not had a Christmas anywhere but my own home since we got married in 1986. Leave was precious (dh military), and we didn't want to waste it schlepping up country. Once ds was born we had GPs on alternate years.

Now ds is adult this may change when he has a relationship, but until it does, Christmas is had at our home.

Suggest you establish your boundaries early on OP. I know roughly what I'm doing for the next three months, but not a year ahead, and these things change. Dh once got sent to sea Christmas Eve night at very short notice, and wasn't back until well after the New Year. Annual leave plots change.

[scrabbler3]

Your DP is the priority. Don't reinforce the notion that he's inferior to your birth family by ditching him at Christmas because he can't obtain time off.

[namechangedforthisreply]

What have you decided to do OP?

[Graphista]

I agree with pp's your priority is dp and dc THEN wider family, they don't like it - tough! When I was married we did first Christmas at his family 2nd at mine and thereafter we had Christmas just the 2 of us and then when dd came along the 3 of us. There was some grumpiness but that's what WE wanted to do and travelling with a baby that time of year is a nightmare. They wouldnt come to us - their choice.

Also your dp IS with you for Christmas - he has Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day off - for that I think yabu unreasonable to complain at all, many many families will not be together at Christmas because their loved ones are working - inc overseas! My ex was military he missed dd's 2nd Christmas as he was in the Falklands.

[FlandersRocks]

Ask your mum to come on her own. When she refuses, say that's how you feel - you won't leave your family, either

Definitely this!

[TheNaze73]

DP should take priority here. I'm think your family's attitude is wrong

[FlandersRocks]

You have your priorities wrong. Imagine the situation reversed and your dh deciding he'd just take ds anyway as you had to work.

Would you be happy missing your ds's first Christmas?

[glitterlips1]

I would prioritize my dp. You are a grown woman, why are you worried about your parents being "livid"? Tell them you am spending it with your family as in your son and DP.

[notangelinajolie]

Babies first Christmas is special for both of you so you should not be galavanting off on an epic journey anywhere - especially on your own with a baby! You should tell them you will visit when your DH is able to come with you and not before. And you need to stop this guilt trip hold your family have over you!

[Sweetbell]

I think you need to start a new family tradition were you your dp and your DC are a unit for Xmas plus other occasions.
I understand you live with in-laws for financial reasons that's just the way it is though and you aren't actively choosing Xmas at in-laws as such.
Now is the time to lay new boundaries with your new little family. Your own family of origin had you at Xmas every year I'm sure throughout your childhood. Its your own DCs turn now to have Xmas with both his DPs.
You'll feel better once you stand up to these 'livid' grandparents. Skype them on day and arrange to travel after Xmas with or without dp.
Don't let them steamroll their way over your ds 1st Xmas or any other tbh.

[CotswoldStrife]

Sorry, did you say that you live with your in-laws? That's not moving close to them, that's moving in!

Why have your family only seen your DS twice this year - is that when you have gone down to see them? If you live at your in-laws I can see that they wouldn't want to come and stay, but staying in hotels etc the cost starts to add up from bitter experience

There is something not quite right about this one, perhaps a back story - your DP doesn't get on with your family yet you've moved in with his - so if you go to see your family over Christmas will your DH be able to drive over and see you on Christmas Eve/Day? How long were you planning on staying with your family for?

[RedSkyAtNight]

I actually disagree with most. You hardly see your side of the family, whilst seeing DP's all the time; you agreed last year you would go to your family at Christmas and I disagree that baby's first Christmas is a big deal - they won't realise anything special is happening and you'll have to do all the care that you normally have to do.

You've not actually said what DP feels about all this?

[Elendon]

Oh wait, I was thinking 6hours travel max, not 16hours.

Spend it with your DP and then promise a family holiday.

They really are asking too much (maybe invite your sister and niece to join you this year?)

[Elendon]

I would not be bothered in the slightest if I was your DP. Babies have no idea it's Christmas. Perhaps have a New Year celebration with your DP as a family. To celebrate each other and the child you have and in being a family.

DP can be with his family. Skype and send texts. Go see your family and stop apologising. These things happen.

[heron98]

I disagree. Your DP sees the baby all the time, your family don't. The baby neither knows nor cares that it's Christmas and will lie there being a baby the same as every other day. I would take the baby and see your family. I can't believe that your DP would be bothered, I certainly wouldn't in his position.

[Redglitter]

I have always put DP over them

Then you should be doing it again over this. If he has to work that's not his fault. He & your baby are your priorities now not your parents.

How would you feel if he was going to take the baby away without you & you'd miss out on your first Christmas as a family??

Explain to your family he's working and you can see them in the New Year. If they don't like it - tough

[Clandestino]

TBH, it's you prioritising your family over your DP who honestly cannot take a time off.
They may be livid or however you described it but honestly, you have a family of your own now and that should be your priority.

[LetsSplashMummy]

I think the 16hrs travel is reason enough. Plan to visit when your DP can fly with your DC and meet you there instead of doing that sort of journey with a baby. I'd just explain that, you need DP off work to fly with DC, the idea of 16hr public transport each way is absurd for him. You're very upset but it just can't be done- maybe new year/ 1st birthday?

[GahBuggerit]

16 hours?! Fuuuuuuck that for a game of bollocks.

Your family sound a bit intense. Be thankful you've got an excuse to have your ds first Christmas in your own home with your dp, his dad. Lovely!

[Mittens1969]

So not right for your family try to to pressurise you into abandoning DP at Christmas. It's called bullying. There's no way DH or I would consider going away for Christmas with the DDs while leaving the other behind,

This is your first Christmas together with your baby. The three of you should be together.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

How is this even a question?

You stay with your DP over Christmas. You visit your family at another time - either before or after.

[rightnowimpissed]

TBH I think you should stay on your own for Christmas with dc an do just the three of you, that's the fairest way to do it, then your not putting one family first just yourselves.

[Flywheel]

This may have been suggested already, or perhaps logistically impossible, but could you make the journey as planned and have your husband fly to join you late 23rd / early 24th and back again early on the 26th? Perhaps he could negotiate some leeway with his employer to allow for this option.
Maybe your family are toxic as other posters have suggested and you would be better off standing your ground, but I know I would go to great lengths to be with my family at Christmas if I don't get to see them year round (bar separating dh from dc).

[Standingcat]

When did your DH put his request for annual leave in?

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I'll be honest - if Dh had taken Dd away for her first Xmas and I couldn't go because I had to work then I would have filed for divorce on the 2nd of January. It would have been completely unforgivable.

(For ds's first Xmas - when Dd was 3 and neither of them slept through the night - I'd have probably waved him off happily and then gone back to bed for 48 hours. )