That DP will miss his son's first Christmas :(

[Rosesandviolettes]

I have to be a little vague, sorry.

Our second Christmas together, first with child.


DP and I moved far away geographically from my family but very close to his. DS will be under a year and Christmas will be his first one. My family have seen DS twice. We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine. Only now, DP can't get the time off work; he's only allowed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, not anymore, as his job is really busy this time of year. Things with my family are very strained right now as they miss myself and DS very much, and if I don't follow through on the promise I made them, they'll be livid, plus I miss my sister terribly and want to be with her for Christmas, and my niece. He made this agreement before his work said he couldn't have it off (last Christmas). On the other hand, I don't want DP to miss his son's first Christmas. AIBU to go to my family as DP promised, even if he can't come? We just assumed he could but he can't

[ChasedByBees]

This is your DP's child too and he has as much right to the first Christmas with your child as you do. You need to put your new family first.

[namechangedforthisreply]

OP I would choose your DP spending time with your child as being the priority. Offer your family to come to you or visit yourself and the child on a day that isn't Christmas

[CoyoteCafe]

Different life has a complete arse for a husband, so now she sees them everywhere.

Even in a new father who is just going to work.

[BadTasteFlump]

What do you want to do OP?

[retreatwhispering]

DP was being unreasonable making a promise about Christmas one year in advance.

OTOH, you absolutely can't let DP miss his own baby's first Christmas if he wants to be there. It's unfortunate, but you really do have to prioritise your own family (i.e. DP and DS) over your parents. It will be tough, but rather now than in ten years time.

It took me years of dragging the kids to a different country for Christmas to realise that it was time to become the host rather than the visitor.

[Wolfcub]

It may have been said already but he will never have another first Christmas with his baby, you can't get those times back. It would be heartbreaking to not allow him that, he can't control his employers decision

[TheRealBiscuitAddict]

So am I right in assuming here that your parents can't stand your DP because he has dared to stand up to them where previously you haven't?

If this post was reversed with a woman posting that she was working at Christmas and her DP had said he would be taking the baby to the IL's anyway and that said IL's couldn't stand her the unanimous response would be that the DP needed to put his partner first and that she should ask him how he'd feel about only having the baby every other Christmas if she left him over it.

OP, your DP and DS are your immediate family now. Yes there are absolutely times when you would go to your family so they could see your DS etc, but a family who would have a temper tantrum because you don't do as they say and who have declared they can't stand your partner because it appears he sees them for what they are are not worth prioritising over your immediate family. And your baby doesn't need to grow up learning that his grandparents can't stand his father.

[Liiinoo]

I would have been devastated if my DH had taken my baby away and I didn't get to see him over Christmas. Surely as the dad (who is working hard to support his family) his right to see his child is more important that sticking to an arrangement that is no longer convenient.

If your family sounded nice I would feel sorry for them but I would still advocate keeping your family unit together for Christmas. As it is they sound like bullies. I think making it clear that your partner and child are now your priority would be a very good idea and the sooner the better. Big girl pants time.

[Taylor22]

If you go to your family you leave the baby.

Taking the baby would be a disgustingly selfish thing to do and I'd be telling him to LTB.

Or you could stay. And enjoy Christmas as a family.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

First babies' Christmas should be spent however their new parents want. You are now a new family. And your dp and your child are now your primary family. Not your birth family. You are an adult. Please stop being guilt tripped. Can't your family visit in the new year?

[mygorgeousmilo]

My friend did this to her DP, also my friend. It added to a general sense of her seeing her DP as an add-on to her 'real' family. I felt at the time it wasn't on. When you set up life together, you become the primary family unit, which should take priority. As soon as I hear someone will be livid over something to do with Christmas arrangements, they lose my sympathy. Either go up on Boxing Day, or they come to you. It is hard when you have difficult relationships with parents/family, but you can't allow that insidious control and anger about everything to seep into your life with your own family.

[Ninjamilo]

Your poor DP shouldn't have to spent Christmas apart from his first child because your family are being unreasonable.

Circumstances change sometimes, it can't be helped if he can't get the time off - I'd go another time and stay at home. I think it's unreasonable to even consider taking the child away from the other parent for Christmas.

[HopefulHamster]

I'm from the north west and live in the south east, so it's not as hard as for you OP but a bit of a pain travelling around at christmas. We used to alternate years, now we do our own christmas with the kids then make arrangements as to when to see my family. My parents don't mind. They know we want our own Christmas. Now we usually travel up to them the same as we did during alternate years - for a good week before or over new year. If your family won't accept that or ever come to you then that's pretty cruel.

I would not do that journey for a child's first christmas... you won't have great memories.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

I'll be honest - if Dh had taken Dd away for her first Xmas and I couldn't go because I had to work then I would have filed for divorce on the 2nd of January. It would have been completely unforgivable.

(For ds's first Xmas - when Dd was 3 and neither of them slept through the night - I'd have probably waved him off happily and then gone back to bed for 48 hours. )

[Standingcat]

When did your DH put his request for annual leave in?

[Flywheel]

This may have been suggested already, or perhaps logistically impossible, but could you make the journey as planned and have your husband fly to join you late 23rd / early 24th and back again early on the 26th? Perhaps he could negotiate some leeway with his employer to allow for this option.
Maybe your family are toxic as other posters have suggested and you would be better off standing your ground, but I know I would go to great lengths to be with my family at Christmas if I don't get to see them year round (bar separating dh from dc).

[rightnowimpissed]

TBH I think you should stay on your own for Christmas with dc an do just the three of you, that's the fairest way to do it, then your not putting one family first just yourselves.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

How is this even a question?

You stay with your DP over Christmas. You visit your family at another time - either before or after.

[Mittens1969]

So not right for your family try to to pressurise you into abandoning DP at Christmas. It's called bullying. There's no way DH or I would consider going away for Christmas with the DDs while leaving the other behind,

This is your first Christmas together with your baby. The three of you should be together.

[GahBuggerit]

16 hours?! Fuuuuuuck that for a game of bollocks.

Your family sound a bit intense. Be thankful you've got an excuse to have your ds first Christmas in your own home with your dp, his dad. Lovely!

[LetsSplashMummy]

I think the 16hrs travel is reason enough. Plan to visit when your DP can fly with your DC and meet you there instead of doing that sort of journey with a baby. I'd just explain that, you need DP off work to fly with DC, the idea of 16hr public transport each way is absurd for him. You're very upset but it just can't be done- maybe new year/ 1st birthday?

[Clandestino]

TBH, it's you prioritising your family over your DP who honestly cannot take a time off.
They may be livid or however you described it but honestly, you have a family of your own now and that should be your priority.

[Redglitter]

I have always put DP over them

Then you should be doing it again over this. If he has to work that's not his fault. He & your baby are your priorities now not your parents.

How would you feel if he was going to take the baby away without you & you'd miss out on your first Christmas as a family??

Explain to your family he's working and you can see them in the New Year. If they don't like it - tough

[heron98]

I disagree. Your DP sees the baby all the time, your family don't. The baby neither knows nor cares that it's Christmas and will lie there being a baby the same as every other day. I would take the baby and see your family. I can't believe that your DP would be bothered, I certainly wouldn't in his position.