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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

That DP will miss his son's first Christmas :(

139 replies

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 18:40

I have to be a little vague, sorry.

Our second Christmas together, first with child.

DP and I moved far away geographically from my family but very close to his. DS will be under a year and Christmas will be his first one. My family have seen DS twice. We agreed last year that DP and I would have that Christmas at his family's house, this year at mine. Only now, DP can't get the time off work; he's only allowed Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, not anymore, as his job is really busy this time of year. Things with my family are very strained right now as they miss myself and DS very much, and if I don't follow through on the promise I made them, they'll be livid, plus I miss my sister terribly and want to be with her for Christmas, and my niece. He made this agreement before his work said he couldn't have it off (last Christmas). On the other hand, I don't want DP to miss his son's first Christmas. AIBU to go to my family as DP promised, even if he can't come? We just assumed he could but he can't

OP posts:

Glumglowworm · 21/09/2017 19:00

You need to put DP before your parents. How awful would you feel if you couldn't see your baby on their first Christmas? Why would you put your DP through that just to please grown adults who frankly sound horrible.

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:00

@ProfessorCat he'd get Eve and Christmas Day off, then yes, I'd be with in laws other than that

OP posts:

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:00

@Glumglowworm you're right too.

OP posts:

Sashkin · 21/09/2017 19:01

Don't go to DPs family either - have a little Christmas at home, just the three of you (then both sets of relatives can be equally pissed off...)

Look, you can't have DP sitting at home on his own for DS's first Christmas, while you and DS go to your family. Completely unfair on him. Your family might moan, but you would be completely unreasonable to do that to DP. I'd go mad if DH did that to me.

worrywart98 · 21/09/2017 19:02

Completely agree with other posters - your dp comes first. Imagine if the tables were turned and your dp was planning to take your child to your in laws for their first Christmas and how that would make you feel...

Your family sound like manipulative bullies

Horriblehistories · 21/09/2017 19:02

Is there anything you're not telling us?

Why did you move so far away? Can your dp genuinely not get the time off work, or does he not want to visit your family?

Is there any backstory as to why your parents are so unhappy about the decision, do they get on with your dp?

ShinyShits · 21/09/2017 19:02

You know what you need to do.

illustratednews · 21/09/2017 19:04

It is 1 day. Just 1 day.

Your child will have no recollection of of it at all in the future.

Whatever you want to do -then do it. Have Christmas at home with your DP, have Christmas another day with your DP, go to family at christmas, go to family another time.

Be firm or you will have 20 years of this emotionally blackmailing rubbish.

Horriblehistories · 21/09/2017 19:04

And yes why is it either your parents or his parents?

Can you not have Christmas Day alone as your own little family, then see both sets of parents another time.

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:05

@Horriblehistories unfortunately there's a lot I'm not/can't say to protect anonymity.

In answer to your question, they hate DP passionately and he genuinely can't get the time off.

OP posts:

Gazelda · 21/09/2017 19:06

I’d have Christmas at home with DP and DC. Then suggest going to mums for a few days over new year (with or without DP if he can’t get Time off work).
Put your own family unit first.

Waspyhell · 21/09/2017 19:06

There's no way that I'd spend Christmas with anyone except my dh and kids. My wider family and in laws would never come first. Come on OP. Let your dp have the pleasure of Christmas with his family.

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:06

@Horriblehistories because we live with his parents right now for financial reasons

OP posts:

flissfloss65 · 21/09/2017 19:06

Your family is you, do and dc and then wider family.

Can you have Christmas at home and go to your family afterwards? Can dp then go with you?

I would be so upset to miss my own dc first Christmas.

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:06

@Waspyhell you're right, I know

OP posts:

Silverthorn · 21/09/2017 19:07

Leave baby with dp and travel to your selfish family on your own. Assume they are in eastern europe.
We refuse to travel at christmas with our two small children. Total nightmare to take them to non baby safe houses in the depths of winter possible treacherous conditions. When they are older we will travel to the then elderly and incapable grandparents. Adults are much more portable than small children.

martellandginger · 21/09/2017 19:10

go to your family anytime why Christmas day?

Boulshired · 21/09/2017 19:10

When I first moved away from home, I made lots of promises that I quickly realised I could not honour. Life cannot carry on an normal this is the first occasion of many that will not go as planned. If you do consider traveling then you are just delaying the next big occasion for your family to be livid.

BarbarianMum · 21/09/2017 19:11

And do they have good reason to hate him? Has a history of cheating on your, or hurting you or something like that?

Because, if not, I think you need to decide where your loyalties lie.

Original poster

Rosesandviolettes · 21/09/2017 19:14

@BarbarianMum Not those two reasons but they are justified in their reason- it's to do with them though, they don't not like him because of how he is with me. They don't like him because he's very upfront and has told them, rather brutally, what he thinks and has upset them in the past.

OP posts:

NachoAddict · 21/09/2017 19:14

I think you should stay home with your DP, it is very selfish to make him miss out on his childs first Christmas.

Visit your parents over new year instead.

MsVestibule · 21/09/2017 19:17

First Christmas as parents, those are memories you can't get back.

I can't even remember where we were for our DCs' first Christmases! Although I'm sure it was very important at the time, as no way would I have wanted to spend it apart from them.

OP, hard as it may be, based on what you've told us, you have to spend it with your DP. When your family kick off, just tell them that you're prioritising spending Christmas with your DP, not his family, and do they really expect you to take your DP's child away from him at Christmas?

DelphiniumBlue · 21/09/2017 19:17

If money is the only issue about them coming to you, can't you talk to them, explain the situation, in vite them to you but ask them to contribute? Although you'd be saving the cost of travel, so that will cover a fair amount of food.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 19:18

Unless there's a massive back story with your dp, they sound abusive. No way should the be expecting a young mum with a medical condition and a baby to travel for 16 hours at Christmas. Can't you see how crazy this is?

KityGlitr · 21/09/2017 19:18

Sorry but you need to grow a pair. Your family being 'livid' doesn't automatically mean they take presedence over your DP. Do you accept them pushing you around a lot?

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