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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at 40th bday

140 replies

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:20

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 20/09/2017 19:24

It depends. If it's an intergenerational family party, ypung should invite her. If it's kewl and fanky friends, no need.

PandorasXbox · 20/09/2017 19:25

What "family" would be there?
Why does she need "looking after"?

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:25

I might invite my Mum with my brothers and their families. Does this necessitate inviting MIL?

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 20/09/2017 19:26

A man only has one mother...

In saying that it is your birthday so the decision is yours.

PandorasXbox · 20/09/2017 19:27

Why exactly don't you want her there?

acornsandnuts · 20/09/2017 19:27

Would your DH invite your mum to his birthday celebrations?

MrsDustyBusty · 20/09/2017 19:27

Does this necessitate inviting MIL?

I would think you should invite who you want with the awareness that it would not be unreasonable of her to feel quite snubbed.

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:28

She doesn't need personal care but wouldn't be able to walk much. or do any of the activities or transport herself there or contribute to the cooking/etc.

OP posts:
bunningsbunny · 20/09/2017 19:28

Would he be happy with your mum/parents going to his 40th party if none of the rest of your family were going to it?

PandorasXbox · 20/09/2017 19:30

If she's nice like you've said she is and it would upset her and your H by bit inviting her personally I think it would be kind if you did invite her. As long as your H agreed to look after her. If she's not bothered about coming then I probably wouldn't invite her.

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:31

I basically don't want her there because in a deeply unassuming way she makes an awful lot of fuss, turning the simplest things into hours of faffing about, and takes up all DH's attention therefore leaving me to do everything else with three small children.

OP posts:
MissEliza · 20/09/2017 19:34

No it's your birthday treat, you get to decide how you will celebrate.

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:35

To be fair, DH invited my family to his birthday bbq. They were massively helpful looking after our kids while I catered and ran around like a mad thing looking after everyone. His family didn't come.

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 20/09/2017 19:35

I think if you are inviting your mum it would be difficult to justify not inviting your MIL, regardless of differences in ability/joining in. It would look pretty excluding.

PandorasXbox · 20/09/2017 19:38

Don't invite her then. But don't pretend you like her. It's obvious you find her a pita.

Ttbb · 20/09/2017 19:46

I think you are being a bit childish here. You are turning 40, not 4. At your age birthdays aren't some special just about you say anymore. Treat this lIke any other event. If it would've rude not to invite her then invite her.

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:47

Ok, fair enough, IABU. Will think of something that either doesn't involve parents or involves them all!

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/09/2017 19:47

Wow. I can't walk much, join in with many physical activities. Nice to know that a future DiL may feel completely justified in leaving me out of family celebrations.

DancesWithOtters · 20/09/2017 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wilburissomepig · 20/09/2017 19:52

Of course you should ask her. FFS.

LostSight · 20/09/2017 19:55

I basically don't want her there because in a deeply unassuming way she makes an awful lot of fuss, turning the simplest things into hours of faffing about, and takes up all DH's attention therefore leaving me to do everything else with three small children.

Is she actually nice OP? Or is she passive-aggressive 'nice', like my MIL used to be? Just your description makes me uneasy. My MIL used to demonstrate continually how wonderful she was, while actually making everything really complicated for everyone. It was maddening for everyone, DH included.

ZenNudist · 20/09/2017 19:55

So what do you want to do? Its mean not invite her to a family party but make sure you invige some ofdh's family too to look after her so you and dh get to relax.

If you go awsy go withfriends or if i were you id just want to go with dh and dc.

Tallulahoola · 20/09/2017 19:55

All these people saying you should invite her, but there is absolutely no equivalence between your DM and your MIL. If you are close to his family then invite her, if not then don't. And don't feel guilty about it, it's your birthday!

waterrat · 20/09/2017 19:55

eh??? weird replies here. It's your party! why does it have to be a family celebration?

I am having a 40th and neither my parents or in laws are coming - nobody thinks that is strange.

There are different types of parties - if yours is your mates, no she doesn't have to come.

Original poster
Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:58

I have to say, I wasn't expecting this to be quite so unanimous- just a weekend away with my favourite people for my 40th and not having to invite someone who drives me crackers, will take DH away from helping with the kids, and make everything about them! But Im prepared to accept politeness trumps my desires. And probably I'm not a v kind person.

OP posts:
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