MIL at 40th bday

[Camelsinthegobi]

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

I don't think there's any reason why the OP should feel obliged to invite her DH's family to her 40th. We do separate things with my DH's family. But then, they do live a lot further away.

As it happens, I did invite my MIL to my 40th. But that was more straightforward to arrange as she came with my BIL and his family and went home with them.

@JessyRadlett

Hmm, that's the kind of language you often hear from people describing those with mobility issues if they don't understand them. My mum has MS and is in a wheelchair full-time which could be described (unkindly) as "turning the simplest things into hours of faffing about". She also needs a lot of assistance and if my dad isn't there, that would mean that either I or my DB would need to spend a lot of time with her, so she would "take up all our attention". In terms of personality, my mum is very non-demanding and hates being made a fuss of, but unfortunately a certain amount of fuss is inevitable.

OP's first complaint was that MIL can't walk much, couldn't transport herself to the venue, and wouldn't be able to do the activities or help with the cooking. Sounds like she's complaining about her disability / mobility issues to me.

Again, only OP can clarify. But I've heard a lot of people talk like this about disabled people.

I've read it in a totally different way, clearly, that her MIL has mobility issues (degree unspecified) but doesn't require personal care, and I read the other issues as being largely attitude/behaviour based on that basis. As you say, only OP can clarify.

However, I still don't think it's wrong for OP to choose to have this particular birthday celebration with just her side of the family. She's not inviting the rest of DH's family and excluding MIL on the basis of her disability - I agree that would be reprehensible. She's choosing to have time away with a smaller group that includes only her side of the family. Her MIL is not her mother, and the relationship should not be expected to be the same.

My daughter is 40 next year and I have already been opted out of the celebrations(there's quite a few she's having with girlfriends abroad, family abroad, celebration party on the day) etc.

I used to be invited when I was well enough to help with the children or preparing the buffet(including loads of my own home cooking) and contribute financially but there has been a rapid deterioration in my health where I very rarely leave the house except in a wheelchair.

My healthy adult children find it awkward and frustrating and I don't blame them as I am more frustrated with myself for ending up this way.

I understand their reasons for not wanting me there but if I try not to dwell on it too much.

I am very fortunate to have 3 very good friends who have no problem at seeing past my health issues and taking me out in my wheelchair and it's a lot more fun with them than family.

@JassyRadlett Yes I think it depends on how one interprets "personal care" - for me that would be one-on-one 24-hour help washing / going to the toilet etc but I might be being too technical!

And yes, I agree that OP isn't obliged to invite her in-laws, but the impression I got was that they weren't invited because she didn't want to deal with MIL's mobility issues which is what I was objecting to. Tbh if it was just "I just want it to be my immediate family and best friends", I would think that was fair enough. So we're broadly in agreement, just have interpreted OP's reasoning differently!

@butterfly56 I'm so sorry that your family have reacted that way. That's just awful. Thank goodness your friends have stepped up.

Yet again, I entirely fail to understand why the OP should put HER wishes behind the assumed need to be "nice". It's her birthday, and if her MIL comes, she'll have no help at all with the 3 children because her DH will be running round after his mother. So why bother having a treat at all, since it certainly won't be for her.
I see this far too often on this board. Essentially, it comes down to saying "you the OP shouldn't ever put yourself first". This is a fundamental reason why women don't demand more - more equal pay, pay rises, their partners to do half the domestic work. The message the first set of replies is giving is "you are not important, you should accept that none of your wants or needs are anything like as important as everyone else's around you. Ever. Even on a day you might expect to be treated nicely, just for once."
Is this really the message we should be giving women and our daughters?

This. And why on earth are married women not allowed to spend time alone with their own family?! Seems bizarre to me.

If he's reacted like this (and given how the OP describes her in pretty unpleasant terms) I doubt it's as simple as a one off row over this event. I would guess it is more a culmination of snubs and avoidances on the part of the OP.

I would guess it is more a culmination of snubs and avoidances on the part of the OP.

That's a fairly big yes. It may also be because the DH has been on the receiving end of a series of complaints and upsets from his mother over perceived slights and does not want to have to deal with it again, and would therefore like the easy option of his wife having a less relaxing trip.

Also a very big reach, but with equal amounts of supporting evidence.

A big guess, not a big yes!

Bertrand - So your partner’s mother and your children’s grandmother is not “immediate family”?

Err, no. By immediate family I mean my DH and my kids.

My inlaws are lovely people, get on with them fine, but we don't live close and I wouldn't include them in any celebration for me, we are very different (they church going, very straightlaced, teetotal - nothing wrong with that but different to my family) and also I am not into big get togethers, prefer just my own little family. Hence not particularly wanting a big silver wedding. Would prefer to spend the money travelling!

I have no problem with being involved with inlaws at Christmas, when its DH birthday, or one of their celebrations, or the kids (they were invited over for DS 18th and will also be for DDs next year. Unfortunately my mum was too ill at DS's to come over and died shortly afterwards). But not for my own birthdays. And TBH they wouldnt expect it.

As for my mum, my relationship with her and brother was very difficult, he was golden child, never did anything wrong, she was jealous on his behalf that we had a comfortable lifestyle from working hard, he had nothing as he chose never to work. She always made snide remarks about me, I was always in the wrong.

Why would I choose to spoil my special birthday celebrations by inviting her, and yes it would have spoilt it. I spent many Christmas days and holidays (we sometimes took her to see Dads family abroad) in tears. Calling me fat (size 10) and many other names. Couldn't bring myself to go NC, she was a lovely grandma to my kids, but now she is not with us, DB and I are virtually NC after many years of him treating us all atrociously and it is bliss. I obviously never invited him to anything.

No Jessy, I absolutely stand by my statement that the way the OP juxtaposes her family and their physical ability to help her with her mother in law being less able is disturbing. I can see there may be a lot more to it, obviously she is much closer to her own family for one thing. It could also be that the way it cme across was misleading. It did still come across badly. It sounded like the typical attitude of someone who has no empathy or understanding when it comes to disability.

No Jessy, I absolutely stand by my statement that the way the OP juxtaposes her family and their physical ability to help her with her mother in law being less able is disturbing.

We all read through our own filters. I totally disagree with your assessment based on the evidence, but that's life - neither of us can know if we are right without more input from OP (and even then I suspect it may not make much difference to people's opinions).

How about making it about you? Choose activities, create an itinerary and get on with it. If it is a mates and you party, you could justify the no family thing. Adding in a few family members makes it hard to say no. Surely your husband understands that love aside, she is hard work and you want people who will muck in to give you a break?

I have two similar relatives. They ruin every single family event with the faffing and moaning. If you do manage to get out the door, they spend the whole day whining and faffing.

I'd invite me exMil, who is disabled, to a similar type party because shes a lovely and kind woman who is considerate, but also funny and involved. I wouldn't invite said bio relatives because their narcissism destroys everyone else's day.

You can do the 40th the way you like it and have a more intimate family party inviting your MIL on the proviso your husband does all the work entertaining her and caring for the children.