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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at 40th bday

140 replies

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:20

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

OP posts:
maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 08:36

My family and DH family have never even met each other Grin

WineBeforeCake · 21/09/2017 08:52

I maintain it is barmy to plan a birthday 18 months in advance.

All sorts of things might happen in the meantime... Death, birth, marriage, divorce, illness, house move, job change, etc etc etc

It’s crackers.

EmmaJR1 · 21/09/2017 09:01

All birthdays are special - especially milestone ones. It's not childish to want it to be fun and special. You shouldn't spend the day looking after your children on your own because your DH is looking after his DM (no fault of hers) but it's just not a lot of fun for you. Maybe a family "party" then a weekend away with friends?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 09:07

I'm sorry to say it but you sound horrid in your posts and a PITA yourself. It's a birthday and you're coming across (to me) as a self-absorbed diva. I'm not surprised your husband was angry. Do you manoeuvre him about as well?

maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 09:09

Since when is it self-absorbed not to want to martyr yourself on your own 40th?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 09:15

Because she wants to invite members of her family and exclude her husband's family. That's disgraceful and I'm surprised that more posters haven't said so. You just don't do that. Invite all or none. Spending time with her favourite people... bleurch.

But it's a MIL thing, isn't it? So hated on mumsnet.

I fervently hope that these bloody awful DIL's have sons whose partners will give them a good dose of their own rotten medicine.

maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 09:18

I've never had a do where it's both our families though? For many people it just doesn't work that way. Some couple's parents barely know each other.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 09:22

Because she wants to invite members of her family and exclude her husband's family. That's disgraceful and I'm surprised that more posters haven't said so

She wants to invite her mother to her 40th birthday, and not her MIL. Her mother, you know the one who was actually there and created her, and the birthday? If you really can't see the difference then I feel a bit sorry for you.

You don't owe anyone an invite to anything. You can spend your important occasions with whoever the fuck you like without being guilt tripped about your poor old MIL.

And no, it's not a hated MIL thing. I love my MIL, she's awesome.

52FestiveRoad · 21/09/2017 09:24

as a self-absorbed diva
But the OP has said her MIL is a diva herself, wanting all the attention from her DH so that the OP gets stuck with doing childcare on her own. Why is it acceptable for the MIL to behave like that and still be expected to be included in things, but the OP is called a diva for wanting to enjoy her own birthday without having it actually made more difficult for her by her demanding MIL.

I fervently hope that these bloody awful DIL's have sons whose partners will give them a good dose of their own rotten medicine.
And maybe the MIL is being treated like this because of her own rotten behaviour. It works both ways.

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 09:24

Who the hell plans a birthday eighteen months in advance? How incredibly self indulgent is that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/09/2017 09:30

Math but presumably, this wouldn't be a milestone event where you'd exclude one side of the family? We do things separately too but not like this.

If my husband laid down the law like OP has, I'd be excusing myself from his celebrations and doing something with my mum. But he wouldn't. Because he's not an arse.

existential feel sorry for yourself, plenty in your posts to give yourself a good pulling up for.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 09:33

Not in the slightest, you're the one guilt tripping the woman for wanting to have one day about her and not spend it looking after her MIL. Shame on you.

52FestiveRoad · 21/09/2017 09:34

Who the hell plans a birthday eighteen months in advance? How incredibly self indulgent is that?

Depends where you are planning to go. Lots of people start saving for long haul trip of a lifetime type holidays that much in advance, also if various family members are being invited OP may want to give them notice so that they keep the dates free. OP doesn't say she is booking anything yet, but discussing what she might like to do with her DH, and why not?

peachgreen · 21/09/2017 09:43

*She doesn't need personal care but wouldn't be able to walk much. or do any of the activities or transport herself there or contribute to the cooking/etc.

...in a deeply unassuming way she makes an awful lot of fuss, turning the simplest things into hours of faffing about*

Hmm I may be off-base here but this essentially reads to me like MIL is disabled / has limited mobility and OP finds that a pain in the arse and therefore doesn't want her at her birthday. Which is... pretty horrible.

peachgreen · 21/09/2017 09:44

ugh formatting fail.

PandorasXbox · 21/09/2017 09:45

Ha! Yes judgemental just like all the MIL haterz on this thread eh.

52FestiveRoad · 21/09/2017 09:49

Ha! Yes judgemental just like all the MIL haterz on this thread eh.

It is not compulsory to like your MIL you know, some people try for years and get years of bad behaviour back. Only the OP really knows how her relationship is, and if she says she doesn't want to invite her for XYZ reasons then I don't think it is up to anyone on here to disagree.

C8H10N4O2 · 21/09/2017 09:56

I may be off-base here but this essentially reads to me like MIL is disabled / has limited mobility and OP finds that a pain in the arse and therefore doesn't want her at her birthday. Which is... pretty horrible

We don't actually know if MiL is disabled or simply someone who won't walk much on a walking/outdoors type weekend.

It is possible to be disabled and a self absorbed PITA or disabled and a joy to have around. Again, we don't know the MiL's situation in this respect. If she is the former I don't see why someone else's birthday should be arranged around her.

It seems sensible to have two events - family meal and friends weekend away.

newbian · 21/09/2017 10:03

The problem is the DH getting upset on his mother's behalf. We don't even know if MIL would care about being invited to such an event. I've know my MIL about 8 years but my mother is the person who gave me a birthday - they are on a completely different level! I don't think if you invite your mother to your birthday your MIL has to be invited too - they are not equivalent relationships at all.

JassyRadlett · 21/09/2017 10:12

There is something disturbing about the way you juxtapose your family being a massive help with the children etc while she cannot walk much or take on cooking.

No, this is a daft statement and you know it. OP is talking specifically in the context of something that is supposed to be a treat for her, not about life in general.

This thread is so bizarre. So many people saying that a woman must dilute a relationship with her own family.

I would find it totally bizarre to invite my ILs on a family weekend away, and so would my ILs. I value the time I spend just with my own parents, siblings (and partners and kids) and my nuclear family, because we interact in a totally different way in that context than if there are others there.

And exactly the same is true of the time we spend with DH's family. That time as family is precious and it would undermine that relationship and the value of that time if it was constantly diluted by inviting everyone. DH and his folks interact in a totally different way when it's just us (and his sister and her family) than when there are others around that they don't know as well.

I would honestly be shocked if someone said I couldn't spend time with my mother and father and my siblings without inviting my in laws because it would be 'rude'. I've been on holidays with just my family and (less frequently because they're not really holiday people) DH's family.

The question doesn't really arise - my family and DH's live on different continents and don't meet that often; they get on well enough when they do. But they are not each other's families any more than my two grandmothers were family to each other.

OP - there are some seriously batshit people on this thread. If you were having a barbecue or a huge fancy dinner for your birthday then I'd think you were being U not to invite your MIL. But a weekend away with your own family as a birthday treat for you is a totally different thing - and TBH I'd present it to your MIL as your parents and siblings treating you to a weekend away if there is a risk she'll feel offended.

I think the dual celebration is the right way to go.

threecee · 21/09/2017 10:14

I agree, the poor old MIL might not even still be around if she is so disabled that her son will have to devote himself to her all weekend,

JassyRadlett · 21/09/2017 10:30

I agree, the poor old MIL might not even still be around if she is so disabled that her son will have to devote himself to her all weekend,

OP hasn't suggested anywhere that the reason she monopolises the DH's time/attention is due in the main part to any disability or lack of mobility, has she?

Aderyn17 · 21/09/2017 11:21

Yes OP, never do anything without mil because one day she'll be dead Hmm

peachgreen · 21/09/2017 11:50

It is possible to be disabled and a self absorbed PITA or disabled and a joy to have around.

I agree, but if (IF) the reason OP is annoyed is because MIL can't do X Y and Z, and needs more time / attention (because of limited mobility), then her annoyance lies solely with the fact that MIL is disabled, which is a bit twatty. But only OP can clarify if the issue lies with MIL's personality or with her mobility.

JassyRadlett · 21/09/2017 11:56

But only OP can clarify if the issue lies with MIL's personality or with her mobility.

To be fair, OP's given pretty good indications:

She doesn't need personal care
will take DH away from helping with the kids, and make everything about them!
in a deeply unassuming way she makes an awful lot of fuss, turning the simplest things into hours of faffing about, and takes up all DH's attention therefore leaving me to do everything else with three small children.