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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL at 40th bday

140 replies

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:20

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

OP posts:

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 21/09/2017 06:20

Ttbb
I disagree Birthdays are your day forever. op I would get the mil to babysit then go and party on all weekend!

elfinpre · 21/09/2017 06:29

I disagree with not celebrating a milestone birthday. At 40 people are often at the stage of life when they don't get time to go out much, or to spent much time on themselves or even think about their own needs very much so I think a 40th is a very good one to celebrate.

In your case OP, why not have several events with different sets of people? I just went for out for a meal with inlaws and family and got together separately with other groups of friends. In fact, as my group of school friends were also turning 40, celebrations went on for several months as we all got together for weekends away and so on.

Daydreamerbynight · 21/09/2017 06:32

Ttbb. There's always one who has to say something about negative about an adult celebrating a birthday on a post about a birthday party.

WineBeforeCake · 21/09/2017 06:48

It’s 18 month away??

TBH, I think all discussions about it can be postponed for at least another year!

All sorts of things could change in 18 months, not least your thoughts of what to do to celebrate.

MrsEricBana · 21/09/2017 07:01

She'd probably be relieved to "just" be invited to a birthday meal at yours rather than a weekend away if she's like our older relations. Don't feel bad at all.

PandorasXbox · 21/09/2017 07:02

It's totally apparent why so many of you have such awful problems with your MILs.

Look in the mirror.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/09/2017 07:06

Some people are a pia regardless of being able bodied or disabled. My mother is able bodied and makes my entire life difficult as she is nasty to me and awkward. I have ME/CFS pretty badly and as a result am disabled and I try to do as much as possible and not make a fuss. My birth family doesn't accept my illness and disability. They're the problem, not me. So I don't think op is being disablist. My birth family otoh are. I think op doesn't want her mil to take over the whole celebration, which she would, regardless of her mobility. My family is the same and I'm now NC with brother and sil because of the way they've treated my dd and me. All able bodied. I think the mobility is a separate issue.

Oysterbabe · 21/09/2017 07:07

It's 18 fucking months away, why are you even discussing it? I'll admit I am one who doesn't get adults making a huge fuss about a birthday, but even if you're not one of those, it's 18 months away.
If someone invited me to a party in 18 months I would have no bloody idea if I could go, I could have another 2 kids by then. Wait until the party is actually soon then see if she wants to come.

WipsGlitter · 21/09/2017 07:11

I wouldn't have invited my FiL to my birthday celebrations.

DH did invite my mum to his (which was a disaster but kid because she was there).

I know what you mean re the unassuming / looking after. My mum could be the same. Always having to factor in her little foibles etc.

5rivers7hills · 21/09/2017 07:13

I'll admit I am one who doesn't get adults making a huge fuss about a birthday, but even if you're not one of those, it's 18 months away.

It's not 'making a fuss' to have a celebration with people you like and love.

Anyway 12 months ahead ja about the minimum you'd need to be getting this booked up I'd say.

kath6144 · 21/09/2017 07:44

Op, you are NBU, your birthday celebrations, your choice.

I have never involved wider family (who live/lived min 2 hrs away) in any of my birthday celebrations, just my immediate family and friends. I had an open house for 40th, went away with DH and kids at 50th.

DHs family on other hand, do like family celebrations for big birthdays. Started with PILs 60ths 18yrs ago. They booked cottages for us, SIL family, them and DHs uncle and family. It has followed on through other significant birthdays, sometimes cottages, or a hotel break, or caravan break. My side of the family have never been invited to these celebrations and neither has my SILs in-laws.

For DH 50th they all came and stayed close to us for a long weekend and we hosted for BBQ, sunday lunch out etc. None of my family were invited, I didn't get cross, his birthday, his family to invite. Would have changed dynamics considerably had my mum come (his family are fairly normal compared to mine!)

The latest one was for his uncles 70th and sisters 50th, a weekend cottage break, some wider family were also invited, but again, no 'inlaws'.

Just do as you want to and invite who you want.

We will hopefully celebrate silver wedding in 4yrs. PILs had a meal for family and friends in hotel for golden anniversary, SIL hosted a similar weekend for her silver. DH has already suggested similar for us, I am not bothered, as now my mum died and not close to brother, I dont have many on my side to invite, just a cousin and family who's DDs were my bridesmaids. I would rather have a really good holiday abroad for just DH and I and maybe kids too.

MipMipMip · 21/09/2017 07:45

I'll bet if the OP does have two celebrations, one to include MIL, there will be a load of PA comments about it.

Hoppinggreen · 21/09/2017 07:55

I actually like my mil, she's no trouble, pitches in to help and is good fun
However, I wouldn't be inviting her to my 40th and I wouldn't be happy if DH put any pressure on me to

C8H10N4O2 · 21/09/2017 07:58

it would have changed it from a party for me to a party hosted by me.

This encapsulates it quite well. If it were a general family party you just suck it up and choose an activity suitable for everyone. If the point of the exercise is for the OP to have a good time then it makes no sense to invite someone out of duty who will turn it into a chore.

Two events is the way to go OP and you like do need to get cracking on the organising.

Columbine1 · 21/09/2017 08:02

There are so many threads about hating MILs that I dread my DC getting married!
As a LP we are very close - made me wonder do you resent how close yr DH is to his DM? Does he really abandon you & 3 DCs when she is there - or you don't like his attention being not 100% on you?

Llamacorn · 21/09/2017 08:06

I think if you are inviting your mum, brother and their families then t would be really rude not to invite your Mil.
If she can't do things or join in because of disability etc then yabvvu.
If it's because you don't get along, or she makes a fuss etc have a word with your dh beforehand that it's your birthday and you'll need help with the kids too.
Fwiw, I had my Mil and my gran-in law at my birthdays and hen night!

AJPTaylor · 21/09/2017 08:08

I think have a couple of things to celebrate. Cant you take her out for a meal with dh and kids to celebrate, maybe with your parents too? And then do something else with your friends?

ssd · 21/09/2017 08:13

jesus, who'd be a MIL

PoppyPopcorn · 21/09/2017 08:16

Planning a 40th EIGHTEEN MONTHS in advance??? Unless you're royalty, and hiring the Royal Albert Hall for an exlcusive performance by Beyonce, get over yourself.

And agree - poor MIL who is being excluded from this A-list party when the OP's parents and family are welcome.

52FestiveRoad · 21/09/2017 08:19

To those who are saying it is still 18 months away, well I am already planning what I want to do for a big birthday 18 months away too. Not actually booking it yet, but discussing what to do and who might like to come. Nothing wrong in that.

I want to go away somewhere specific that I have been wanting to visit in a long time. I hope my DH and DC will come too, although they are not quite as interested. My ILs show no interest at all and I know if I did invite them (which hadn't actually occurred to me until I read this thread) there would be lots of moaning and 'why can't we do XYZ instead of ABC'. It would turn out to be more about what they want for a weekend away, rather than what I want for my birthday.

OP, I think that if it is a weekend away, then you should invite who you like . It would be different if it were a party and one extra person would not make much difference but to have her there for a whole weekend will change the dynamics. You are hosting the weekend, you decide.

ssd · 21/09/2017 08:20

I agree poppy, op seems all me me me, even at nearly 40

52FestiveRoad · 21/09/2017 08:21

when the OP's parents and family are welcome to be fair the OP parents played a major part in her having a birthday in the first place, her MIL did not. And its not a party, its a weekend away.

maxthemartian · 21/09/2017 08:25

I'm confused. It's your 40th. Why would you need to invite your MIL?
Since when do your in-laws have to be included if you see your own family?
Honestly this place gets odder and more contrary by the day.

LostSight · 21/09/2017 08:28

jesus, who'd be a MIL

We only hear about the difficult relationships on here. You could equally say, 'who'd be a wife' after looking at the Relationships board.

Anyway, my MIL can be a right pain in the ass, but I still look after her, so far as I am able. DH is very grateful, MIL thinks I'm wonderful and she has a thoroughly difficult relationship with her own daughter. So PandorasXbox I have no problem looking in my mirror. Have you looked in yours lately? I think you might see someone quite judgemental!

BertrandRussell · 21/09/2017 08:34

"I have never involved wider family (who live/lived min 2 hrs away) in any of my birthday celebrations, just my immediate family and friends."
So your partner's mother and your children's grandmother is not "immediate family"?

As I said, surely it depends what sort of party it is?

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