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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL at 40th bday

140 replies

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:20

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Inertia · 20/09/2017 20:58

I think the two-pronged approach is the answer here.

One birthday meal out /day out somewhere family-friendly with your DH and MIL plus the children, so it suits what MIL can do but doesn't put too much pressure on you.Then the plans you have made with your family as a separate thing.

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 21:10

@Inertia, that's a great idea. I know all about how difficult this kind of negotiation can be, OP. I hope you really enjoy your birthday celebrations. You really shouldn't let yourself be lumbered with all the work.

Motoko · 20/09/2017 21:17

I'd prefer to leave the kids with grandparents, and go away with DH and friends!

But no, I wouldn't invite any ILs.

OverOn · 20/09/2017 21:21

OP - it's odd that your DH assumed his mother would attend your birthday party if no-one else is invited from his family. Why doesn't he arrange something special with you and MIL so she can help you celebrate your birthday?

If you change plans to accommodate MIL, or have fewer people coming so MIL doesn't feel like she's missing out - it all becomes about her rather than you. Arrange a second event for MIL to attend and keep your existing plans as is.

hidingmystatus · 20/09/2017 22:02

Yet again, I entirely fail to understand why the OP should put HER wishes behind the assumed need to be "nice". It's her birthday, and if her MIL comes, she'll have no help at all with the 3 children because her DH will be running round after his mother. So why bother having a treat at all, since it certainly won't be for her.
I see this far too often on this board. Essentially, it comes down to saying "you the OP shouldn't ever put yourself first". This is a fundamental reason why women don't demand more - more equal pay, pay rises, their partners to do half the domestic work. The message the first set of replies is giving is "you are not important, you should accept that none of your wants or needs are anything like as important as everyone else's around you. Ever. Even on a day you might expect to be treated nicely, just for once."

Is this really the message we should be giving women and our daughters?

notanotherNC · 20/09/2017 22:19

God no. She isn't your mother or family. You don't even like her. Why would you invite her? Your husband can invite her to his birthday if he likes. So many Mumsnet martyr making themselves miserable as they feel obliged to have shit times with their awful inlaws. Just say no.

itshappening · 20/09/2017 22:28

I don't know if you should invite her or not, it depends on the type of event you have. There is something disturbing about the way you juxtapose your family being a massive help with the children etc while she cannot walk much or take on cooking. Will you be ditching your family if they develop any disabilities and their presence no longer makes your life easier on a practical level? Are you raising your kids to treat you the same way in the future, or are you modelling how to include everyone?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 20/09/2017 22:44

I actually think this whole thread is massively disablist.

timeisnotaline · 20/09/2017 22:50

I wouldn't invite someone who annoyed me and hogged my dhs attention so I was left as the skivvy plus looking after the children. I would expect my dh to completely understand! That said the 'can't walk much' comment got my back up. My mum is partially wheelchair bound and I would be seriously pissed if my dh didn't want her somewhere. However apart from flat surfaces my mum doesn't claim anyone's attention - she would have the kids in hand, the place clean and I would ineffectively be suggesting she rest so maybe it is the personality you don't want there. I hope so.

Sukitakeitoff · 20/09/2017 22:57

I don't think it's nice to leave one person out.

But I think it's completely fine to invite your side of the family and not your dh's, which is in fact what you're proposing.

The only time both sides of our family have met are our wedding and the children's christenings which I don't think is at all unusual

HashiAsLarry · 20/09/2017 22:59

Tbf to op even people with disabilities act differently. Both my dps are disabled including mobility. Dm, who is to a greater extent the more disabled of the two, doesn't take attention or time or anything else if she can possibly avoid it often to her detriment . Df otoh can be a complete pia, and takes a lot of looking after albeit unnecessarily a lot of the time. I mean that honestly, as when he wants to do something the barriers to almost normal things can miraculously disappear.

HashiAsLarry · 20/09/2017 22:59

Tbf to op even people with disabilities act differently. Both my dps are disabled including mobility. Dm, who is to a greater extent the more disabled of the two, doesn't take attention or time or anything else if she can possibly avoid it often to her detriment . Df otoh can be a complete pia, and takes a lot of looking after albeit unnecessarily a lot of the time. I mean that honestly, as when he wants to do something the barriers to almost normal things can miraculously disappear.

Inertia · 20/09/2017 23:02

Nobody's saying don't ever spend the day with MIL ever again. There are plenty of opportunities to take MIL out as a family and do activities which work better for her and for the OPs family as a smaller group.

If the OP arranges for MIL to join the wider plans with family and friends, there's every chance that she'll be saddled with even more of the childcare than usual- MIL won't necessarily know anyone other than OP and DH as nobody else from DH's family would go, so it would be reasonable to suppose that most of DH's attention would be devoted to his mum. This would leave OP without parenting support on her own special occasion.

How likely is it that the OP's husband would agree to do all of the parenting on his own birthday due to the OP needing to be responsible for a member of her own family who was attending DH's party?

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/09/2017 23:05

I don't understand why he is upset about it. He can invite her to all of his birthday events after all.

SugarPlumLairy · 20/09/2017 23:06

Sod that.
It's YOUR birthday, a milestone one at that. You do what YOU want to celebrate.

Why is he spending more effort and concern on what hims mummy wants rather than what his wife, the actual birthday girl, wants?

And peeps saying your being unreasonable? Bollocks to that.
Look, as mums we spend all year thinking about what others need, accommodating them, making their lives easier etc. On my birthday I expect to have the day off and have MY needs met. ONE day, is that really unreasonable? No it's bloody not.

Really giving your Dh the stink eye on this one. 😡

MorrisZapp · 20/09/2017 23:08

My in laws are perfectly nice people but it wouldn't enter my head to invite them to my birthday celebrations.

In laws come to kids parties, not adult ones.

HermioneKipper · 20/09/2017 23:15

I say do two things. Have a gathering away with your family and then have a local meal that MIL can come along to. Win win

BertrandRussell · 20/09/2017 23:16

Doesn't it depend what sort of event it is? Mixed generation houseparty then yes, invite. mil. Weekend with just your friends then don't.

fridayrain · 20/09/2017 23:19

Absolutely agree with @hidingmystatus said.

If yous had a BBQ for your DH & nobody from his family came then why do you feel bad?

WinnieFosterTether · 20/09/2017 23:22

Tbh this is why I didn't have a 40th. DH wanted his family invited. I didn't want to invite them because it would have changed it from a party for me to a party hosted by me.

JKR123 · 20/09/2017 23:24

No I don't think YABU at all. It's your birthday after all. It's your 40th and if she is hard work then I think it's fair enough not to have her there. You need to enjoy your birthday 🎉🎂🍾

Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/09/2017 23:30

Yanbu op. How come his family didn't go to his birthday but it's so important to him to have her at yours Confused

AnnieAnoniMouse · 20/09/2017 23:36

I actually think this whole thread is massively disablist.

Nonsense. It is about a woman who doesn't want to invite her PITA MIL to HER birthday weekend away.

existentialmoment · 21/09/2017 00:29

I actually think this whole thread is massively disablist

Oh stop it. You do not Hmm

StigmaStyle · 21/09/2017 01:03

I don't think you should have to invite her! If it was his birthday, yes he has the right to invite his mum. For yours you only should if you want to (as long as it wouldn't cause her difficulties, e.g. if she needs him to visit her daily as a carer or something).

You've said it's not her immobility but her faffing and fussing that you find difficult and the fact she will monopolise DH. Fair enough IMO.

If I become an MIL in the future I hope I'll want a 40yo DIL to do what she wants for her own birthday whether or not that involves me.