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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL at 40th bday

140 replies

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 19:20

DH was asking what I'd like to do for my 40th birthday celebration (18 months away). We discussed a few options and thinking about going away with some friends/family and he drops in something about his Mum being there. She is a nuce person but hard work and so I say I wouldn't want her there and DH gets v cross. No one else on his side of the family would be invited just because of circumstances, so there's no one else who could help look after her. AIBU?

OP posts:

HashiAsLarry · 20/09/2017 19:59

Could you have a trip away with a few and a gathering later that can include MIL?

Original poster

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 20:00

Hashi - I think you've got it. Will have to do 2 things.

OP posts:

Aderyn17 · 20/09/2017 20:01

It's not a family celebration, Tinkly. It's the OP's birthday and I can see ehy she wouldn't want a high maintenance mil there whrn it means that OP then has to do everything for the kids because her dh is preoccupied with his mother. How is that a good time for her?

I would go away just with dh and ask my folks to mind my dc, if not asking her is going to be a problem for dh.

Mind, I am one of those people that don't consider ILs to be my family - they are dh's. I don't see why both sides have to be invited to everything - to kids birthday parties, yes, but not yours.

LostSight · 20/09/2017 20:03

I don't think you're unreasonable at all in not wanting your special birthday celebrations spoiled by someone you aren't very fond of.

acornsandnuts · 20/09/2017 20:03

my MIL and DM have met three times in twenty years. It would be odd for all to spend a weekend together.

LostSight · 20/09/2017 20:05

Does DH actually want her there? Is he worried she will be upset? Or was it just he assumed she would be there because he hadn't thought it through?

2017SoFarSoGood · 20/09/2017 20:05

I'm normally all for the MIL, but in this case not so much. NOT because of anything to do with her, or your relationship in fact, but more that this sounds like it will be a trip with your family and some friends, and you will celebrate your birthday while on said trip. That would not feel exclusive to me, unless you were inviting others from your DH's side, and excluding her. That would be a whole different story. If DH's siblings etc. are invited, then please don't leave MIL out.

PandorasXbox · 20/09/2017 20:05

Hang on OP you've gone from your MIL being nice to a complete nightmare.

You don't need the justification of strangers ( which imo all MIL threads are looking for ) to tell you that you must not invite your MIL to your birthday bash.

You're a big girl. You know the real reasons behind why you don't want her there.

acornsandnuts · 20/09/2017 20:08

Plus my MIL is really demanding of DH so he would be distracted the whole weekend.

Tilapia · 20/09/2017 20:12

waterrat why does it have to be a family celebration?

Because the OP said she was planning to invite her own mum and brothers and their families.

mummymummums · 20/09/2017 20:14

I've been in your conundrum recently OP but regarding my 50th. Difference is my MiL is the nastiest spiteful manipulative woman, whilst doing a very good job of appearing like the sweetest natured person ever. Fortunately my DH is wise to her and sees through what she's up to, though most don't. She completely favours DD and has no time for DS, which makes him behave bad to get attention, and there chaos all round.
I was considering a party but knew I'd feel obliged to invite her, or look really really bad. It seems to be her sole aim in life to paint me in a bad light so it pained me to do something that gave her ammo. I wouldn't be inviting my own parents as my DF only has a very short while left and is immobile (and according to the medical professionals should be gone already) and my DM is too unwell and frail. But I would have invited older cousins and an aunty thus making it cross generational, and with a huge expectation that MiL should be invited (FiL would be fine but I can hardly only invite him).
So I've now settled on a going away event with no one over the age of 55 coming so whilst she'll still have a godawful sulk and will pay me back, at least she can't point to anyone else her age who's coming and act hard done by.
I absolutely could not enjoy anything with her there. She's toxic.
If she was nice I'd have no problem.
I think if your MiL is going to dominate the event then she shouldn't be there.

diymania · 20/09/2017 20:18

I don't think it's leaving her out if you don't invite her. Unless to be absolutely fair you would also have to invite your dh's brothers/sisters and their families - which would get a bit unwieldy!

It sounds to me like ur DH thinks her nose would be put out of joint if she wasn't invited. But I think it's presumptuous to think she'd be invited to your bday weekend away with your family and friends.

If it's likely to cause a big fuss then I'd probably change what I was doing rather have her along if you find her a nightmare. So maybe have a big party where everyone's invited. Then Get DH to take you away for an uber luxe relaxing weekend just the two of you (for causing the fuss in the first place!).

Racingraccoons · 20/09/2017 20:21

Your birthday, your choice. Do what YOU want.

diymania · 20/09/2017 20:22

'Family' when you're married doesn't mean there is no line or distinction between your family and his family. I guess probably some people think there shouldn't be any line (fair enough). But some people think there is (also valid and fair enough)

MissEliza · 20/09/2017 20:23

Btw my SIL's 40th in a couple of months. She's going away for a couple of days with db, the dns, her dps and her dsis. It would not have entered my head to expect her to include my dps or us. Everyone gets along fine, but I think it's normal she wants to celebrate with her side of the family. I don't think it's the norm to invite your ILs unless you are particularly close.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 20:25

Why don't you do something with her separately but have the weekend you wanted with your family?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/09/2017 20:25

"Do something" like go for a cup of tea with her

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 20:25

YANBU. I say this because my MIL is nice in a similar way to yours. It always involves a lot of hard work inviting her to stay, and she's definitely high maintenance. And passive aggressive. When she stays, she hogs all DH's time, she expects him to know the answers to literally every question. She's also very dependent on him emotionally.

For a family do, it's easier for me, if BIL his DW come with their 5 DCs as they help divide her attention. Are there other family members you could call on, or friends? Maybe friends who could help with your DCs? It would be a shame if you had to spend the whole time looking after your DCs for your birthday celebrations.

I think you should stick to your guns but maybe not make it so much a family do? If it's a party for friends rather than family. That way your MIL isn't being noticeably excluded.

But it's a strange reaction from your DH to get cross. It's your birthday so you should arrange it how you want it.

Original poster

Camelsinthegobi · 20/09/2017 20:29

Thanks, everyone! Seems I've split the field. I'll have to keep thinking but you've given me food for thought.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 20/09/2017 20:30

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's your birthday and I don't see why you're obliged to invite both sides of the family. It's not like it's Christmas or a family celebration. It's your birthday. I actually get on really well with my in-laws but I didn't celebrate my 40th with them.

sonjadog · 20/09/2017 20:40

I don´t see why you must invite her. She isn´t your mother. But maybe you could have a weekend away with just a few people and then have a larger party with both sides of the family afterwards? So you get what you want but with some concessions?

bookwormsforever · 20/09/2017 20:43

Would your DH invite your mum to his birthday celebrations?

Snausage · 20/09/2017 20:45

I know it's your birthday and everything, but it seems incredibly mean that you'd have a party, invite your parents and not your MIL.

Aderyn17 · 20/09/2017 20:47

I actually think your dh is bring a bit of an arse here and might need reminding that this is your birthday, not his or mil's.
I don't like that he is laying on the guilt when you have expressed your wishes - that would seriously piss me off tbh.
Have you told him that you resent being lumbered with all the work while he is occupied with his mum and don't want to do this on your birthday, because it's a fair point to make.

dustarr73 · 20/09/2017 20:50

I think unless you know someone like this, it's hard to understand.How emotionally draining and how the pa just gets you die.

Could you just go with your mum and a few close friends and leave dg and thekids( plus mil) behind.

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