Not to feel vulnerable as a woman

[Ribrabrob]

Before I start I hope this isn't a fiery subject and I absolutely do not mean to offend anybody.

I see and hear a lot of comments (a lot on here) about women who feel vulnerable because they are, indeed, female. I consider myself very lucky to say that I have never once felt vulnerable or unsafe because I am a woman. I've travelled to foreign countries alone, walked alone late at night in not so desirable areas etc and have never once felt unsafe or as though it's something I shouldn't be doing.

This is absolutely not a 'stealth' because as I said I consider myself lucky to feel this way and completely understand many womanay feel vulnerable in certain situations because of past incidents, assaults, rapes etc and this will of course affect someone's outlook.

I guess my question is not aibu or whether others are bu because people are entitled to feel how they do, but I just find this interesting. Do you feel vulnerable being female? If so why? If not, why? and whilst she shouldn't have to do this, should a woman ever think twice about doing certain things (ie walking down a dark alley) because they are female?

TheStoic you're right, I'm not a good conversationalist. Much prefer to hear (read) other people's opinions, hence starting the thread in order to see them :)

Nothing wrong with that op!!

I don't understand the hostility towards the women who don't feel vulnerable.

for Dione's post.

I got large breast early so since 11 have had street harassment and being shy and non confrontational it's been intimidating.

I suspect I've been condition to feel vulnerable - despite not being attacked though I've been lucky people have intervened when men haven't left me alone. It 'sa nice thing about getting older it’s pretty much stopped but I can still get anxious passing groups of men.

I got out when it dark because I have to - I don't always feel unsafe - but I'm very aware of my surroundings.

Plus in our society victim blaming is common – so if something did happened being female many will suggest it’s your fault.

I don't understand the hostility towards the women who don't feel vulnerable
Nor do I. I take calculated risks yet I have a friend who is an anxious type about life in general (food 1 minute out of date is dangerous, walking alone is dangerous, got to use anti-bac for everything as germs will kill you, worries about everything, etc). To me she's paranoid with a small comfort zone (which is not a happy existance), and she thinks I'm "brave". I don't consider myself brave BTW.

And in saying I don't feel vulnerable I'm not saying that I think I'm invincible and could fight off any man (as that's BS), just that I'm not in a constant state of fear. I know the risks, I've weighed them up and I'm prepared to take them, and I don't consider risk awareness is the same as feeling vulnerable. Going for a daily walk alone along a well used footpath is far better for my mental and physical health than being so paranoid of attack (like my friend) that I sit at home wishing I was out there.

I usually don't feel vulnerable when I'm out. If I didn't go out and about on my own, I'd never get to do anything, and I am now in my 40s.

On a rational level, I know I am more vulnerable, but I don't feel it. I think there are situations where being a woman can help. I was with friends one night, and there was a man trying to get his very drunk friend to stop lying in the road. I helped pick him up and lead him to a safer place; I think if the man in our group had done that, the drunk one would have turned on him. Doubt I'd have helped if I hadn't been with a group, though - in the back of my mind, I knew I had some sort of backup if things had gone another way.

But even knowing I am vulnerable, I generally don't feel it. The situations I have felt vulnerable in are lke when it's been really icy out. If I fell and broke a limb, how would I cope? I live on my own. And if I were in a situation like the person upthread who was walking her dog with the man hanging round the gate - odd behaviour like that would make me feel vulnerable, and I think I too would change what I was doing in that sort of case. But that is reacting to a specific situation, it's not a feeling of general vulnerability. I still recognise on an intellectual level that I am vulnerable. But I have to live my life, and in two and a half decades of going about the world on my own, nothing''s happened so far, so I go on.

But why does knowing you might be vulnerable,or feeling vulnerable have to mean you're living in fear?

I have literally never felt vulnerable as a woman.

I've been out clubbing and gone travelling alone, I walk alone late at night and never feel scared getting taxis. Then again, I've never personally been given any reason to feel scared - I've never been catcalled, harrassed or anything like that.

Yes I do feel vulnerable : because I am small and cannot run quickly or punch hard. It would be easy for someone to hurt me. Usually unprovoked violence is by men towards women - in the case of men v men and women v women it is usually a fight caused by something or a revenge attack etc. Ditto with women against men. Obviously this can change when drugs, mental illness or drink is involved.
Walking down a dodgy side alley instead of on the brightly lit main road would be a stupid idea for me as it makes it more likely that a would be attacker would think they could get away with the attack

And I have never been attacked, raped, or even hit and I am trained in Marshall arts ... I'm still vulnerable.

You can feel vulnerable without letting it rule your life. Some precautions are simply sensible; for example, when I was a student in London many years ago now, I used to carry a rape alarm. That's not about being weak, it's called taking precautions.

We know that women are attacked sometimes. That's simply a fact whether we feel our vulnerability or not.

I don't feel vulnerable as a woman, surely man can be attacked down dark alleys too? As can old people?

I feel as vulnerable as anyone else but not because I'm a woman, because there's danger everywhere.

I feel vulnerable as a woman in some situations because I have been sexually assaulted several times, once quite violently. So there you go.

That doesn't mean I live my life in fear but clearly a woman is much more likely to be attacked in certain ways than a man is and there are times when I'm aware of that.

I don't understand the hostility towards the women who don't feel vulnerable.confused

I don't really understand the hostility to those who do:

At last! I'm so sick of whiny, pathetic "I'm so scared" attitudes, especialy ones where the "I'm so scared" is basically just being used to discriminate against others! I can't bear the whole "I feel this way, therefore everyone must dance to my tune" brand of empowerment-in-disempowerment. It stinks.

Whiny and pathetic for feeling scared.

I don't know why anyone is being hostile to anyone else on this thread if I'm honest. Male violence is a real thing whether it be towards women or other men. NewDaddie - pretty damn sure it isn't women beating on your nephew - although I agree that men are at risk too. I have sons, they are tall so I know what you mean and I'm as anxious about them as I would be about daughters.

All this 'statistically it is someone you know ...' as if this makes you somehow less vulnerable in general - it doesn't. There is plenty of evidence of attacks on women that are committed by strangers - open a bloody news site. There are even more anecdotal stories of low level micro aggression which won't make the paper but still make the 'victim' feel like shit and vulnerable.

If you don't feel vulnerable that is good - genuinely, I hate that anyone feels vulnerable but don't feel somehow superior to those who do - they probably have many reasons (and not just anxiety) and experiences which contribute to their vulnerability.

Vulnerability does not equal constantly scared, if you feel you have to be vigilant, take (sensible) precautions then you ARE aware of your vulnerability and are acting accordingly. If you don't take those precautions and never consider safety, may luck always be on your side!

Statistically doesn't actually say anything about the risks of my own individual situation, does it? As A. E. Houseman once put it, statistically a bullet-wound is an unlikely reason for a death- but if the death takes place on a battle-field that rather changes matters.

Statistically, women are most likely to be raped or beaten to death by their partner, but that does not mean my individual risk is very high of this happening at the hands of the man whom a) I have known for 30 years to be gentle and respectful b) is not much bigger or stronger than me. Since he is the only partner I have, the statistically more likely "rape by partner" situation can only happen with his involvement, and if that is unlikely, then as far as I am concerned the situation is unlikely.

Otoh several women have been raped by strangers within a stone's throw of my office.

According to my local news sites I am most vulnerable if I am on the road, a drug user or a tourist. Statistically I am more vulnerable as a woman from the men that I know. I don't feel "superior" to women who do feel vulnerable. I am aware of the many reasons that women feel so and the men that they know who take advantage of their fear.

Everyone should risk assess and take measures to improve their safety, but the idea that women should feel vulnerable because they are women is damaging.

I have been sexually harassed, stalked, groped in various countries (mainly London, US and Spain)

I have been intimidated, had my bum squeezed, touched, shouted at etc

And I am a 6ft strong built woman, who (tries to) look like she takes no shit.

I don't often feel vulnerable, my response is usually anger, but I bloody well understand why a woman alone could feel vulnerable. Because she is.

@corythatwas, you're so right. My DH is a lovely, gentle man, so the risk of being killed by him is zero. But my father was abusive so the risk of me being killed was high at that time. You need to beware of statistics.

Interesting thread.
15 years ago I would have put myself in the not vulnerable group.
Now I am older and wiser plus various experiences i understand that me being female does make me vulnerable.
I dont live everday scared but I am much more aware of situations/political changes which increases my vulnerability because of my sex.
I dont think this makes me weak or something I should be ridiculed for.

Everyone should risk assess and take measures to improve their safety, but the idea that women should feel vulnerable because they are women is damaging.

I agree no one should feel vulnerable and women shouldn't have to feel vulnerable for being women but the reality is that male violence towards women exists and in quite significant numbers. I do agree with you that the idea women should feel vulnerable for being women isn't helpful but for some people previous experiences (many more common to women) will feel contribute to that feeling. That doesn't mean women are defenceless.

On another note I'm not sure I have ever typed the word vulnerable so many times before this thread

I know I am more vulnerable as a woman because we are physically weaker than men (no matter how fit and active we are - male bodies have greater physical strength) and, because, for example, something like one in 5 women will be raped in her lifetime - and I would think almost 100% will be sexually assaulted in some way. I've been grabbed and groped by strangers on the street, another friend was sexually assaulted in a park in broad daylight just a few weeks ago, another had a date rape drug slipped into her drink and where I live there are quite a few young males who like to dominate/show their power over women - harassing them, or just standing in their path, trying to intimidate them etc. And that's just the stuff on the streets - as a lot of violence and sexual assaults are committed by people known to the victim.

A friend of mine was grabbed by a man shortly after she got off a bus and fortunately passersby saw and intervened so she got away but she said it made her realise that just one moment of being vulnerable could have had life-changing consequences for her.

I don't think I and many other women necessarily think about being vulnerable every moment of the day - It is just something that is ingrained to take care, not go down dark alleys, be aware of your surroundings in isolated areas/late at night and the sex of the people around (e.g. women travelling alone late at night are advised to get into carriages with other women/couples).

I do still go out after dark and I notice that, walking around my area, by far the majority of the people I see are men - There are relatively few women in the streets - Whether that's because they don't feel safe or because they are the ones expected to care for children, I don't know.

Voiceofreason

I am a small bloke. Although I have always taken sensible precautions (why would I walk down a dark alley, for example), I've never felt particularly vulnerable. This is because random men didn't generally pick fights with me. Also, I can run and (at least when younger) could move, punch and kick quickly so I could defend myself enough to get away.

Also while I have been beaten up before and hardy enjoyed the experience, I'm certain I was at little risk of rape, which I'm sure I'd find a scarier prospect if female.

newdaddie
Violent men don't need feminism to stop them being violent: they need self-control.

I don't feel "superior" to women who do feel vulnerable.

Just to add maybe you don't but there are definitely attitudes on this thread which indicate some do.

I don't feel vulnerable. I never have. And I find it offensive that the first poster said it was because we didn't "have good instincts". How do you know that? That's quite an assumption.

I am small and presumably could be overcome easily. but I take care. I still feel safe where I live, (and have travelled to many places including Moscow, Cairo and Tel Aviv) and walk home at night and don't feel scared or threatened and it makes me sad to read so many anxious women who do.