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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not to feel vulnerable as a woman

170 replies

Ribrabrob · 20/09/2017 16:53

Before I start I hope this isn't a fiery subject and I absolutely do not mean to offend anybody.

I see and hear a lot of comments (a lot on here) about women who feel vulnerable because they are, indeed, female. I consider myself very lucky to say that I have never once felt vulnerable or unsafe because I am a woman. I've travelled to foreign countries alone, walked alone late at night in not so desirable areas etc and have never once felt unsafe or as though it's something I shouldn't be doing.

This is absolutely not a 'stealth' because as I said I consider myself lucky to feel this way and completely understand many womanay feel vulnerable in certain situations because of past incidents, assaults, rapes etc and this will of course affect someone's outlook.

I guess my question is not aibu or whether others are bu because people are entitled to feel how they do, but I just find this interesting. Do you feel vulnerable being female? If so why? If not, why? and whilst she shouldn't have to do this, should a woman ever think twice about doing certain things (ie walking down a dark alley) because they are female?

OP posts:
Sashkin · 20/09/2017 21:28

My rapist was literally caught red-handed, I had quite extensive injuries, and he still claimed it was all consensual and I was a lying bitch trying to avoid trouble with my boyfriend.

"What else is he going to do, admit it? He's looking at 15 years" as my liaison officer said.

NoLoveofMine · 20/09/2017 21:31

Stranger rapes are committed against women and girls of all ages at all hours of the day. In the past months alone there are ample cases of women and girls raped during the day, in parks, pensioners followed off buses, teenage girls in the middle of the morning, a 12 year old girl. The only common denominator is a boy/man chose to attack.

www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/15280636.VIDEO___Dangerous__rapist_jailed_for_life___but_are_there_more_victims_/
www.leicestermercury.co.uk/news/leicester-news/teenager-court-charged-attempted-murder-222959
www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/girl-14-raped-london-avery-hill-park-greenwich-teenager-a7949851.html
www.standard.co.uk/news/crime/dangerous-tooting-sex-attacker-jailed-for-life-after-raping-elderly-woman-81-at-knife-point-in-south-a3526786.html
www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/midlands-news/police-arrest-two-men-after-13403212
www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/apr/28/man-who-raped-stranger-hours-before-his-wedding-given-life-term

These are sadly only a small number of the horrific cases I've read of. Drink is not a factor at all.

nutbrownhare15 · 20/09/2017 21:34

I had a conversation last night with my dh after going out to get some food and trying to explain to him just how vulnerable I feel walking in the dark as a woman. Every person is a risk until I know they are female. I will cross the street to avoid anyone who could be male. My heart races and if the streets are deserted ill carry keys in my hand. Why do I feel like this? Probably because of tv shows that glamourize male violence or media coverage of stranger rapes and murders. Could be personality too as I'm generally very risk averse and always imagine the worst. My husband asked me if all women feel as I did. I couldn't imagine them not, but now know better so thankyou for an interesting discussion.

QueSera · 20/09/2017 21:38

No offence, and in the nicest possible way - but if youve never felt vulnerable, then you are unbelievably naive. You should feel vulnerable, because you ARE vulnerable - eg out at night on your own etc. You should be aware of your surroundings and have your wits about you.
Very very strange thread.

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 21:40

IfYouSeeRitaMoreno, The point is that it's very important to those of us who have suffered sexual assault not to see ourselves as victims but as survivors. They haven't beaten us. It really matters. Of course we know we were victims but we've come through to the other side.

RunningOutOfCharge · 20/09/2017 21:41

It's not a strange thread, you must have problems understanding. Feel sorry for you

Wits about you downs not = vulnerable

Sayyouwill · 20/09/2017 21:45

I sometimes feel vulnerable but I don't know if this is because I'm female or if it's because I'm alone, or it's dark, or there is a shadow moving behind me, or I am carrying cash, or a number of other reasons. Since I've only ever been female I can't really assume that is the reason I sometimes feel vulnerable.

QueSera · 20/09/2017 21:49

*Runningoutofcharge
*
It's not a strange thread, you must have problems understanding. Feel sorry for you

What kind of bitch are you to say this condescending patronising bullshit to me? It IS a fucking strange thread, because good luck to women who think theyre not vulnerable - so it must only be the ones who FEEL vulnerable who get attacked - because women who dont feel vulnerable dont get attacked - ahh thanks for clearing that up for me!

Wits about you downs not = vulnerable

Well if you didnt feel vulnerable why would you need your wits about you?

PacificDogwod · 20/09/2017 21:50

No OP then, no? Hmm

I have not been in many situations in which I felt vulnerable because of my sex, but I have the insight to know that I am.

How anybody could not see that in the face of hard facts and evidence, I beyond me.
Fact just because they are unpalatable, are still facts.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 20/09/2017 22:22

I don't walk about thinking ooooh I'm a woman, better be careful!

I do take extra precautions about situations that remind me of previous events when I've been attacked or harassed.

case in point: walking the dog, in broad daylight, on a path that happened to be deserted with a narrow gateway to exit it. Walk it every day, often twice, never usually a problem. A guy passes me and the dog as we're walking towards it, looks at me long enough that I notice it, and then stops to fiddle with his phone right in the gateway, blocking it. So I pause and mess with the dog's harness rather than approach and try to get round him. He moves a little to the side of the gateway but re ties his shoelace, still blocking it. Its taking rather a long time. At this point I take the dog in another direction and leave rather than pass him.

Overcautious? Probably. Have I been hassled or assaulted before when passing a man who's blocking an entrance he knows I'm about to pass through and no one else is in sight? Yep. Would I rather never have that experience again? Yep.

So it's lovely for you that you've never felt vulnerable or had a cause to. But Many, many, many women haven't been that lucky.

RunningOutOfCharge · 20/09/2017 23:18

sera Grin

TheStoic · 21/09/2017 01:07

Before I start I hope this isn't a fiery subject and I absolutely do not mean to offend anybody.

....and then doesn't come back.

Unfortunately OP, if you ARE ever attacked while doing things like walking alone at night, or in 'unsavoury' areas....many people will think it's your fault.

MistressDeeCee · 21/09/2017 01:23

SashkinFlowers

MistressDeeCee · 21/09/2017 01:28

OP not back? Surprise surprise..I guess s/he has enough info now for his/her project or DM article.

Ribrabrob · 21/09/2017 01:48

OP right here actually. Sorry I'm not online enough to check in every 5 minutes for updates!

OP posts:
Ribrabrob · 21/09/2017 01:50

Not really sure what I'm meant to say in response either? I like seeing other people's opinions on this and don't really have anything to add other than my original op :)

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 21/09/2017 02:25

Don't worry the op you'll remember this and never post a thread like this again, just as I did. Why bother feeling vulnerable walking the streets when you can be made to feel like shit here on MN?

Pivoine · 21/09/2017 02:31

This thread is very depressing. Lots of 'non vulnerable women' enjoying the hard won freedoms they never would have knwn without struggling women fighting for them at the frontline.

Really depressing.

Pivoine · 21/09/2017 02:33

It makes me incredibly happy to think 'some' women live their lives entirely free from oppression. Peronally i don't know any.

Skarossinkplunger · 21/09/2017 02:38

I would tell you I do, but there will be a rush of people here telling me I'm wrong.

MistressDeeCee · 21/09/2017 02:47

I should think the women who've been raped, attacked etc and have told their stories on this thread, more than most know what it is to feel 'shit' at times

& OP you only reared your head when I commented as to you no longer being around. So you aren't that interested in engaging in the thread/subject you started

All this yes I feel vulnerable no I don't is pointless. If you're lucky enough not to have experienced street harassment, unwanted touching, rape etc then good for you. The women who have are unfortunately a large demographic. Whether they walked around feeling cautious etc, or not.

I wouldn't need to check a thread 'every 5 minutes' to have an awareness of that

Skarossinkplunger · 21/09/2017 02:58

All this yes I feel vulnerable no I don't is pointless. If you're lucky enough not to have experienced street harassment, unwanted touching, rape etc then good for you. The women who have are unfortunately a large demographic. Whether they walked around feeling cautious etc, or not.

That's the point of the thread though isn't it? A discussion. One life experience dies not cancel out another, they're all just as valid. It's not a competition.

RantyMare · 21/09/2017 03:07

I agree with anyfucker . I personally feel I have to take precautions where a man wouldn't. Therefore I feel vulnerable.

I'm strong as hell compared to most women. I powerlifted for a time plus I am naturally stocky and muscular. I still know that as rebelrogue says, if most men wanted to do something to me, regardless of whether I wanted or not, they could. I feel that if I did not feel vulnerable as I am, and take actions to ensure I made this less likely to happen, I would be pretty daft,because I don't want it to.

But having said that, I could do a lot more. I will walk to meet a friend late at night. I'll go into a pub on my own. I know statistically I am vulnerable but I am also unlikely to be attacked compared to like others have said, be hit by a car etc. The main thing really, is knowing which people (mostly men admittedly) into our lives.

I have been sexually assualted, raped, emotionally, financially and physically abused, more times than I want to go into. Maybe off topic but I don't blame that on the men per se, I blame it on the culture I was brought up in. Pander to men. Be good, be nice, be pretty, admire them,big them up, etc.

It may be a controversial topic but this is what I was taught, both literally and by learned behaviour. And I hate that. Had it been different, I truly believe none of that would have happened to me.

TheStoic · 21/09/2017 04:06

Not really sure what I'm meant to say in response either? I like seeing other people's opinions on this and don't really have anything to add other than my original op

You seem like a wonderful conversationalist.

Fannylodger · 21/09/2017 05:13

Statistically I'm more likely to be murderd by my own partner, raped by a trusted friend (been there, done that) or otherwise hurt in my own home or a "safe place". I walk in well lit and reasonably crowded areas. So no, I don't always "feel" vulnerable, but I certainly would out alone at night somewhere secluded or empty.