Not to feel vulnerable as a woman

[Ribrabrob]

Before I start I hope this isn't a fiery subject and I absolutely do not mean to offend anybody.

I see and hear a lot of comments (a lot on here) about women who feel vulnerable because they are, indeed, female. I consider myself very lucky to say that I have never once felt vulnerable or unsafe because I am a woman. I've travelled to foreign countries alone, walked alone late at night in not so desirable areas etc and have never once felt unsafe or as though it's something I shouldn't be doing.

This is absolutely not a 'stealth' because as I said I consider myself lucky to feel this way and completely understand many womanay feel vulnerable in certain situations because of past incidents, assaults, rapes etc and this will of course affect someone's outlook.

I guess my question is not aibu or whether others are bu because people are entitled to feel how they do, but I just find this interesting. Do you feel vulnerable being female? If so why? If not, why? and whilst she shouldn't have to do this, should a woman ever think twice about doing certain things (ie walking down a dark alley) because they are female?

quercuscircus sorry that you went through that. Women should be supporting other women who feel vulnerable, not minimising or dismissing them as hysterical. It's male violence we should be questioning.

I wore an attack alarm while out running today. I bought it earlier this year because there was a serial sex attacker/ rapist operating within a few miles of where I live. (He's been jailed now, and my route happened to go past the end of his road). I carried it today because a section of my route went along a fairly quiet off road section. I know that logically the chances of being in the same place as a person with malicious intent is very, very, very low. I chose that route as it is safer than crossing multiple busy roads, and mostly fairly pleasant as well as being a more direct link to other sections of my route. I am small. People tend to assume I'm younger than I am. I hope that no one ever thinks I'm an easy target, although I'm stronger than I look and I keep my head up and look confident. Saying that I've rarely had casual sexist comments made. Either I spend most of my time in a naice quiet area, or my smaller physique and lack of bust is less desirable to loud mouthed misogynists.

If I was male, I'd probably be at higher risk of an assault, but the concern over the consequences of a sexual assault (rare as a stranger crime) probably outweighs the perception that I'd have if I was male.

So yes, there is a layer of concern that I have because I'm female. I don't let it stop me doing things like running, but I do take reasonable risk assessments and actions because of it. I find it sad that at this time of year, I see lots of posts by female runners taking to treadmills indoors because they fear running outdoors in the dark. I don't see men creating similar posts in the mixed sex group I use.

I was sexually assaulted many years ago. An acquaintance took advantage of the fact I was asleep at a party (in a room of other sleeping people). Maybe that's contributed to my perception that it's not always the outside world that's dangerous. Fortunately all the other males I know seem to be decent human beings, and most importantly DH is a decent human.

Thyme and Rebel sorry! My post wasn't clear. My argument was that seeing things as equal ("women are violent too") is a coping mechanism because to wake up and see that things aren't equal would be too agitating.

Of course things aren't equal! Two women a week remember.

(Yes I do realise I'm fucking odd before anyone mentions it)

A few people mentioned confidence,being strong,feisty etc.
I used to be like that because I didn't give a shit. I was never afraid of dying. So when a guy put a razor blade to my face saying go with him or he'll cut me, i ran straight into traffic literally not giving a shit if I'll get run over or get help. I obviously did not get run over.
But now I have a kid, and that feistiness is gone because I have to make it back home to her no matter in how many pieces.

It's an extreme situation,but it contributes to what i perceive as my "vulnerability ".

I don't feel vulnerable usually but I think that's because I hardly ever have to do things that might put me in a vulnerable position (rarely walking home late down empty streets for example). I would go for a run after dark but only on the street which is v busy not along the canal iyswim

I think that I don't feel vulnerable because I have so internalised the things to avoid that it doesn't feel as though I am making a choice to avoid them although actually I am.

2 women a week killed by men?

Yeah.....that's your husband and partners not strangers!

They're still men, not aliens posing as partners and husbands killing women.

I think that I don't feel vulnerable because I have so internalised the things to avoid that it doesn't feel as though I am making a choice to avoid them although actually I am.

Yes. Exactly this. And we've come to see it as simply being sensible whilst forgetting that not everyone feels the same need to be as sensible.

Not to mention the reason so many women ignore the warning signs in their husbands and partners is because we are told we are hysterical,paranoid, weak,whiney, have a victim mentality etc. The mindfuck and gaslighting starts there.

I run through the woods
Go out at night
Run when it's dark

All that 'vulnerable' stuff..... but statistically, my partner sat at home is the one I need to be careful of!

And the odd alien too apparently

I didn't want to do a whataboutery post but... @corythatwas @NoLoveofMine it is a disgusting attitude to have that male on male violence is because we ask for it.

dNephew is 12 but he is 5'11 he has been attacked 4 times in the past because he looks like a man but acts like a child... because well he is one. He is a precocious sweet child and we live in a city and so he gets 'started on' because he has looked at older boys and men the wrong way or randomly had his phone etc stolen. He is vulnerable and he is not alone. Many young me are attacked and vulnerable because they are less likely to report to the police and other reasons not because they deserve it.

Those young men need feminism. They need incredible women, mothers and feminists like Mothers Against Violence. They don't need judgemental keyboard activists without a clue.

Im 5ft 6, well built, have martial arts experience and I STILL feel vulnerable as a woman. Why wouldn't I? Male violence is a huge issue out there and actually its an issue for men as well as women. I can handle myself but no point to prove re being 'fearless'. I won't walk home late at night/down a dark alley alone and Im loath to pass gangs of men on the street. So whilst not living life as a trembling ball of fear I do use common sense and err on the side of caution

Your post does sound stealth tbh, and a bit like having a pop at women who may feel more vulnerable due to being petite, or having been assaulted/threatened, lots of reasons we may not know. We don't live in a shiny happy bouncy world and whilst I know there are a lot of good people out there, there are also a lot of bad people too. I do my best not to come across them, if I can help it

NewDaddie I was posting specifically regarding male sexual violence towards women and girls unknown to them for no reason other than their being female. I didn't even make a comment about male violence against other men. As for "without a clue", I know far more than I'd like about male violence.

And what we all need isn't women to take a stand but men to challenge other men and men to stop male violence.

Personally I don't feel vulnerable and have walked home alone through a residential area from a social in the early hours of the morning on many occasions and felt fine. However, I walk with confidence (don't behave like an easy target) and am vigilant (try to be aware of my surroundings rather than have my head buried in my phone like so many people do these days). My philosphy is that most humans are harmless (ie they don't want to assault, rape or murder me), the chance of bumping into someone during that short walk at that time on the morning is remote, and the chances of that person being a wrong'un is even more remote. I feel more vulnerable after reading the horror stories of partners turning into abusive stalkers when we dump them though, but even then I've had very little problems like that and I've had a shit load of boyfriends. I also think the media drip feeds us doom and gloom which can give us a warped sense of the danger around us. Of course the brutal murder of a woman walking alone in the dark will make the headlines, but we don't hear of all the women who have walked in the dark and not come to harm. Yet we latch on to that 1 case and feel scared.

Given that two women a week are murdered in the UK and 85,000 are raped every year, you have to be a bit...oblivious not to feel vulnerable
I thought most of these were by their partners rather than random strangers in the street though? OP's examples are her not feeling vulnerable out in public.

I'm not sure if that's because I'm female or because the world is a dangerous place
You see, I don't think the world is a dangerous place. Certain parts are, eg war zones, but most of Britain? I don't think so.

I'm very shy but have never felt vulnerable while out. I live nothing more than walking on my own at night or going out in the early hours to the woods.

This is going to sound weird but my reason may be I am never noticed by men my whole life I've been pretty invisible so gives me a sense of security which may be stupid but I don't care. Either that or everyone thinks I'm the weirdo with their hood pulled up walking at odd times of the day.

Newdaddie...do you consider it women's responsibility to manage male violence ?

I haven't felt vulnerable ever and have lived in some dodgy places.
I did feel iffy in Paris ocassionally though.

Those young men need feminism. They need incredible women, mothers and feminists like Mothers Against Violence. They don't need judgemental keyboard activists without a clue.

Why is it our job? Many of us are pretty busy fighting for our rights and those of other women around us...why can't men take some responsibility too? If man on man violence is such a big fucking problem, why can't men be the solution? Why do women have to fix it?

I used to feel like you. I couldn't imagine why women were such scaredy cats as to be reluctant to walk around after dark. I knew stranger rapes were vanishingly rare, and as a cocky 20yr old I thought I'd be able to talk my way out of anything.

But then when I was 20 I was abducted from a bus stop at knife-point one night, raped, and half-smothered to death (I only didn't die because somebody heard me screaming and came to investigate). Oh, and obviously in court it was made out to be all my own fault for being out after dark. Surely I would only be out late if I was looking for a man? (Had DH waiting at home for me, so no)

It may be rare, but the consequences are so life-shatteringly awful that I'd go a long way to avoid it happening again.

I was invincible 15 yrs ago. I am now a little more world weary, a little more savvy perhaps.

Of course the brutal murder of a woman walking alone in the dark will make the headlines

Women and girls are murdered, raped and sexually assaulted by men unknown to them purely because they're female at all hours of the day. There are numerous cases of all of these in broad daylight, such as those I've posted in this thread. Rapes and sexual assaults of women and even girls rarely make any headlines.

Sashkin

However, I walk with confidence (don't behave like an easy target)

What does an easy target behave like?

Rita Easy target = drunk. It's much easier to convince a jury that the woman consented if she's been drinking.

My police liaison officer said that is pretty standard - nobody ever pleads guilty to rape because the conviction rates are so low, so you either claim it wasn't you, or if there's DNA evidence you claim it was consensual. You can introduce doubt into a jury's mind that a woman might agree to shag a random stranger in a ditch much more easily if she's had a drink or two.

So rapists usually go after women who've had a drink. Not because they're asking for it, but because it's much easier to get off in court.