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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
thegirlupnorth · 20/09/2017 19:50

I'd have a chat to both of them and try to arrange to go and see them in person.

I'd explain that as far as finances and admin and shopping are concerned you want to do this for your mum, appreciate Anne's help but want her to stop doing it as you feel a bit pushed out and you're sure that's not their intention.

bakingaddict · 20/09/2017 19:54

You shouldn't need a solicitor do to a LPOA, it's quite straightforward I did one a few years ago when my father was ill. You download the form off the gov.uk website and both parties fill it in. If they are compis mentis enough to sign the form and understand what they are signing then the signatures just need to be witnessed by two other people of good standing but not immediate family members and sent back with the fee

If your mum has a lot of savings or investments move the money into another account which Anne is not privy to. Leave enough money in your mum's current account to cover bills and shopping and Anne can deal with these token amounts but not anything substantial

Cupcakey · 20/09/2017 19:57

nooooooooo I would not be happy with this at all. I would happily help an elderly friend but would not dream of getting involved in financial/ private matters. That's very very suspicious. Can you keep a track on her bank accounts etc? I know it's awful as you want your mum to be independent but this does not sound good. It would be nice to think she's an honest person but sadly it's not always the case xx

FreshSet · 20/09/2017 20:40

i have a very similar story but it was a family member who done the dirty on my dgf and dgm.. very sad

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/09/2017 20:46

I am going to visit my Mum this evening and broach the subject of POA. I am also going to do more spot checks at my Mums, in the hope of seeing more of Anne

I think that all sounds extremely sensible and hope it goes well Smile

FWIW I used to be a volunteer visitor for a healthcare charity and often helped out with bits of housework, small repairs, shopping and so on. But I wouldn't touch finances and personal admin ... partly because I considered such things very private but also, I admit, because I didn't want to risk putting myself in a difficult position with the SU's families

IME it's entirely possible to be friendly while still keeping a distance from things which are better dealt with by someone else

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 20/09/2017 20:53

I'm seeing red flags all over Anne. But my view may be coloured by the fact that my elderly in-laws both have dementia, and we had no idea how much household admin they weren't dealing with until DH (also an only one) got POA. They thought they were on top of everything, but clearly things had been sliding for some time - DH was shocked.

Hope you can get this sorted out.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 20/09/2017 20:54

I'm also curious about how Anne has so much time on her hands.

Abbylee · 20/09/2017 21:05

To all of the people who feel sorry for Anne, please stop.

I have seen both sides. I helped elderly neighbors (not with money) and at first their dd thanked me. Then she accused me of trying to take advantage.

My elderly father nearly gave away his vehicle to a "kind nurse".

This type of scam works much like spouse abuse. First friendly, helpful, then isolating from friends and family.

This type of scam is common and can be life threatening and devastating. Do not under estimate the ruthlessness of the Anne's of the world.

She is well on her way; pushing dc out and dealing with money.

Blueistheneworange · 20/09/2017 21:16

Ok committing a cardinal sin by not having rtft but Annie may be innocent. I knew an elderly lady who lived alone, do dead and no children but nieces and nephews around.
Whilst my friend was well and independent we had one type of relationship but as her health deteriorated she relied on me more and more. I knew she adored (misplaced) her nieces and nephews and she had shared with me how she had divided her assets up among them. It had nothing to do with my relationship with her, the only time money came up was when I tried to get her to spend some of it on making her life easier rather than saving it for the rellies who left her home alone at Christmas or bought her chocolates (diabetic)
I was the first person she called when unwell and spent plenty of time at the hospital in her last few months. In her dying week the family tried to stop any visitors claiming the hospital said it distressed her and complained at her funeral that her will 'wasn't what they thought it would be'. She was my friend and I had no interest in getting anything from her beyond enjoying her company. Yes I gave her time and help but my goodness I also got back experience, friendship, advice and many a laugh.
So maybe Annie is on the make or maybe not

Abbylee · 20/09/2017 21:17

Penngwn,
You may not have witnessed the pain of a family that has been the victim of elder abuse but many of us have, please stop advocating for the autonomy of any family member who is vulnerable. It is quite clear that OPs mother is in danger.

Mxyzptlk · 20/09/2017 21:22

And OP is going to take sensible steps to help her mother to protect herself, not do some of the more extreme things suggested on here.

Rachie1973 · 20/09/2017 21:33

Abbylee..... it's not clear she's in danger at all, what an absolute leap.

Beeziekn33ze · 20/09/2017 21:46

OP maybe at half term (when you don't have to rush off to collect DC) you could surprise your mum (and Anne) by turning up during her craft club to give mum a lift home. You could perhaps chat to whoever runs the club and find out more about Anne and how long the organiser has known her.
I'm inclined agree with those finding Anne's increasing involvement a concern.

Roundandroundtheapartment · 20/09/2017 22:00

Spot checks seem like a good idea but I hope Anne is just a genuine soul

derxa · 20/09/2017 22:02

I hope Anne is just a genuine soul I doubt it.

jay55 · 20/09/2017 22:33

Keep an eye on your mums accounts with the credit reference agencies. It would be awful if identity theft happened and loans or cards were taken out in your mum's name.

cluelessnewmum · 20/09/2017 22:57

You definitely need to have an honest chat with your mum about it, as it is not normal for any friend to be involved in financial admin, unless they're a tax accountant or something and you employ them.

You need to get your mum to see this. If she needs help with this sort of thing I think you'll have to offer to do it (at least until Anne loses interest).

I think you need to be a lot more involved / present, make Anne aware you're on to her as she'll probably move on if she thinks your mum isn't an easy target.

Mittens1969 · 20/09/2017 23:24

I would agree that your DM having a new friend isn't the issue, it's very nice for her. But I would also be very wary of her having anything to do with her financial affairs. Scamming the elderly is sadly very common these days.

Motoko · 21/09/2017 00:00

I'd definitely be doing some googling of Ann. This whole thing sounds really dodgy.

justilou1 · 21/09/2017 00:10

My mother was overly "influenced" by her neighbour when she was ill. This has made her estate, which had been previously very well organised and straightforward an absolute nightmare to sort out. (Ten months down the track and nothing's been sorted yet).

Pengggwn · 21/09/2017 02:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thymeout · 21/09/2017 12:08

Bakingaddict

The PoA regulations changed from when I first did it for my mother. That was easy. You could get a form from WHSmith's. The new regs require someone independent to sign that the applicant is of sound mind etc. It's not just a case of witnessing signatures. My solicitor did it for me - and even he got the order in which various people had to date their signatures wrong. We had to do it twice. You can do it yourself, but it's not as straightforward as it used to be.

I agree with a pp. Better to do it years in advance before there's any suggestion you actually need it. Avoids awkward conversations. My PoA is in a drawer. It's there ready and waiting, but I haven't activated it yet so am still fully in charge of my own affairs.

I'm amazed at the number of posters who think Op can just have a word with her mother's bank manager or access accounts. While someone is still in their right mind, no matter how old they are, you can't even talk to their GP without their permission.

saoirse31 · 21/09/2017 12:37

I wonder will your DM begin to wonder if your increased visits, desire for poa are a sign that its her money you're interested in and concerned about, not just her? I'd Anne hadn't shown up would you be doing same?

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 12:41

Yes getting POA really doesn't mean that will enable the OP to just take over her mum's affairs and access her bank accounts. She has to activate the POA before that would be possible. Also gaining POA through the court of protection is much, much harder now than it used to be, costs thousands and takes a considerable amount of time, and the person has to be proven to not be of sound mind.

KERALA1 · 21/09/2017 13:18

The PofA system has changed abit. You now register them when you create them, and pay the fee, once they are received back registered from the OPG they are ready to use with no further steps needed. The older versions needed to be activated though.

Thymeout is quite right that without an LPA you can't do anything as my neighbour was powerless to stop his father handing over thousands to fraudsters. The father's bank were powerless too as the father was their client not the son. When the father died there was nothing left of a sizeable estate.

Good luck OP.