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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
Hissy · 20/09/2017 15:54

You would be a fool to turn a blind eye to this.

You need to get a hold of this and find out what is going on. Anne needs to back off, visit by all means, but nothing to do with finances.

Look into POA and support from social services

Ttbb · 20/09/2017 15:54

This Anne character should most definitely not be sorting out finances. Is there any way you could spend more time with your mother to avoid being usurped?

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 15:54

pengggwyn - that isn't true that POA would be "laughed out of court". You don't need to go to court unless the person isn't competent. If they are then they simply sign it over, it is very straightforward. This is what both my parents did with us. If they are not competent then you can apply to the court for POA and they look into the application to make sure that the person isn't being manipulated. The OP's mother sounds competent enough to sign. My mother had signs of decline but not enough to affect her being declared competent. However they were enough to get her scammed out of a large sum of money, that could have been used to take her on a lovely holidays etc, as she got more frail. I am still knotted up with anger over it (she died last year). My parents had worked hard for that money, and Mum could have spent it, and she would have wanted to leave any over to her Grandchildren, that was what she had saved for.

SoupDragon · 20/09/2017 15:54

Power of attorney would be laughed out of court if her mum is competent.

No it won't. You need to be mentally competent in order to set one up.

Hekabe · 20/09/2017 15:55

Simple then. Greet Anne with open arms, be her friend and encourage the friendship.

insist that youll see to the shopping and admin as you love doing it as doting daughter. That frees up her time to entertain DM and ferry her about.

keep friends close, enemies closer

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:55

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blankface · 20/09/2017 15:55

This pushed my buttons Also Anne has started to do shopping for my mum, I did ring Anne and tell her she doesn't need to as I do the shopping. She explained it was no problem and she loves helping my mother as she is "a breath of fresh air to her"

How is your Mother paying Anne? So easy for Anne to just suggest it's so much easier to take your mother's card with her to pay, all she needs is the pin number
or for Anne to order the shopping online for your Mother, using your Mother's card of course...

Would that breath of fresh air be caused by banknotes wafting into Anne's account, I wonder?

SpringTown46 · 20/09/2017 15:56

I'm afraid alarm bells would ring for me too. I experienced this with my Mum, 'kindly' neighbour became more and more encroaching, doing things like finance (which was totally inappropriate and unnecessary as immediate family were doing this).

Luckily we already had POA in place and were legitimately monitoring online banking. Spotted a dodgy transaction for several hundred pounds and it turned out that it was for an item the neighbour wanted, and emotionally manipulated Mum to purchase, despite Mum not really understanding exactly how much it was. I suspect we got off lightly, and it could have been far worse.

Please nip this in the bud. A genuine, helping and honest person, in this situation, would not get involved in finances especially when there is family support available. They'd be too aware of that involvement backfiring on them I think, and possible accusations of defrauding due to misunderstandings.

Can you explain to your Mum that you don't feel it is appropriate for non-family members to be involved in her private finances? And offer to manage things? If you haven't got enduring PoA in place, it is really important that you have this discussion now, not later.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:57

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opheliacat · 20/09/2017 15:58

My friend used to work in telesales where they were encouraged to target the elderly. Sad

I was once going to adopt two kittens who lived with a foster carer and got the address wrong (like Church Lane instead of Church Street.) Sat there having a cup of tea with an elderly lady and DS who was then about 4 getting steadily more confused before it emerged I was at the wrong place.

However, it would have been frighteningly easy to take money from her were I so inclined. Elderly people can get easily confused, their sight amd hearing is not 100% a lot of the time and they are more likely to carry large amounts of cash. Peng can claim it is ageist: it isn't, it is showing kindness and concern.

brasty · 20/09/2017 15:58

As long as your mum is of sound mind, then simply talk to her about this. But you can't do anything else. Your mum is an adult.

My widowed dad spent a loot of money taking younger attractive women out for expensive meals. He now has no money. I think he was stupid, but it was his choice.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:59

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lizzieoak · 20/09/2017 15:59

She wouldn't have to hand over cash or her bank card. Anne could say "write me a cheque for x and then I'll pay your bills for you." This is what happened to my mum and so at the end of the month when she had no money she showed me her chequebook (in an account the scammer had helped her set up) & o saw all these huge cash withdrawals and cheques written to this person.

Of course Anne may be just what your mum believes her to be. But if she is then she won't mind being asked to change her helping focus.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 16:00

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user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 16:02

Originalfoo. I've wondered if It's because life is hard for her that she likes the oasis of calm my mums way of life gives her. I don't mean that just because she has had a difficult life then she must be a bad person.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 16:03

Yes OP have you met Anne? I also would turn up unannounced. I wish we had protected my Mum more. We didn't realise how much had gone until DB took over her finances. We did protect her from then on, obviously, but it is easy with a parent to not notice the smaller shifts that make them more vulnerable. Ironically DB, who lived nearer to our Mum and so saw her more often, was less aware of her declining that I was, because he didn't notice the incremental little glitches in how she was coping. OP your Mum may be well enough to stay in her own home for many years yet, but she still may well be also getting to the point of needing support with her affairs, and protection from shysters, whilst being able to cope with other day-to-day stuff.

lizzieoak · 20/09/2017 16:04

Penggwyn, the op said her mum gets flustered over admin so has asked the op to help her with it (though the mum resents having to ask).

Indigo90 · 20/09/2017 16:04

Can you get your mum to agree that the bulk of her money goes into a deposit account in both your names and a transfer needs both of you to sign? perhaps on the basis that you have found a deposit account with a good rate.

Periodically you can look at her bank statements and transfer money across if needed. That will reduce the amount of harm Anne can do.

In her eighties my previously sharp and savvy mum definitely lost her edge and we did this as she was inclined to agree to e.g. take out more than one insurance policy for the same thing. She found it reassuring.

opheliacat · 20/09/2017 16:04

Or to put it another way peng, step in to prevent their elderly parenrs being fleeced out of thousands?

I would be asking what the fuck was wrong with people if they stood by and watched it happen!

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 16:05

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Miserylovescompany2 · 20/09/2017 16:06

The whole scenario gives me a feeling of unease - Anne has quickly progressed from befriending to taking over tasks (financial & shopping) that were already in hand.

She seems to be making your mother dependant on her...

She has quite the back story - a pity-ploy, I wonder? Got her foot through the door didn't it?

Do you know anyone familiar with this woman? I'd start by doing some digging into her back story...

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 16:07

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Abbylee · 20/09/2017 16:08

Soon there will come up a reason that there is a fall out btwn you and your mother and Anne will be there to pick up the pieces. She is a scheming woman.
I am speaking from experience. Stop this as quickly as possible before it is too late.
BEWARE!
This is Elder Abuse waiting to happen.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 16:08

Peng the OP hasn't asked her Mum. She can ask and see how her Mum feels about it. My Mum was happy to not have the worry. My DB made sure there were no dodgy outgoings, while also making sure she had enough in her current account for anything she might want to buy. We paid for her shopping online and had it delivered. Prior to that DB did her shopping. We paid bills etc, made sure everything was organised, and Mum didn't need to worry about anything. Before that she had got into arrears with payments for some things because she had forgotten or misunderstood. All this helped our Mum stay in her own home for as long as possible.

opheliacat · 20/09/2017 16:08

I don't think applying to court is necessary. I think the cameras are an excellent suggestion.

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