Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
EamonnWright · 20/09/2017 16:27

Regardless of her present intentions there may be a temptation in the future for Annie to liberate some money from your mother due to Annies' unfortunate circumstances...

Watch like a hawk imo.

Fekko · 20/09/2017 16:27

You need an LPOA for health and financial issues. You can complete them online and send them in (I think it's about £124 for each).

I've seen elderly people - smart, intelligent people - be taken for a ride by 'friends' and just wouldn't be told the truth. One was even given sedatives (completely unneeded or prescribed) by a live in nurse, and another bought a property for another 'friend' and paid off her kids student loans.

One tried this on with mum - he was angling for a nice windfall in her will - but was sorely disappointed (she left him a few hundred pounds - she wasn't that daft) and never turned up to collect the cheque (he had an ungracious rant when my brother rang to tell him that mum had left him a few hundred pounds). She owed him nothing and never asked a thing from him. Still, some of her jewellery never turned up.

Witchend · 20/09/2017 16:27

Have you met Anne and how is she round you?

For dm she found the carer that was stealing from my grandparents was very uncomfortable having her around.
You can also ask questions such as "what school do they go to?" "oh I've a friend with a dc there. What year are they?... How funny, they must be the same year, what's their name, I must tell.my friend!" A genuine person won't be defensive or think anything odd in that.

I assume you've seen if they have fb etc?

thequeenoftarts · 20/09/2017 16:31

I wonder could you suggest a police reference check on Anne as you are so worried about all the bad things you have heard about people taking advantage of the elderly. It may do one of 2 things, make her scuttle off and try it on someone else if she is up to no good or she will totally understand as she is as honest as the day is long and would understand why you are so protective of your Mother.

Also maybe discuss all financial transactions over 50 pounds have to get your authority from the bank. Yes it is terrible if the lady is simply a nice lady doing her bit for your Mam. But damned if I would take that chance, as once your mam gives her pin number out she is liable for all transactions on her account.

StarHeartDiamond · 20/09/2017 16:32

Could you ask your mum if you might keep an eye on her financial affairs from time to time? Say that you love she'd got a friend like Anne but once another person outside the family knows your mum's financial details it leaves her vulnerable, as even if Anne is completely trustworthy she may inadvertently give details away to someone else. Tell your mum that you would like to help with her finances etc and it's nice for Anne to be just good company and a friend. After all, what would happen if your mum became reliant on Anne's help with finances and then Anne is suddenly unable to help due to a family crisis or something?

If all else fails I'd probably be more direct.

MiddlingMum · 20/09/2017 16:32

When I was regularly visiting an elderly and housebound neighbour, I took great pains to make everything as transparent as possible. My only motive was that she was alone and vulnerable, and enjoyed a chat. She knew lots about the area and we'd only just moved so I enjoyed hearing all sorts of local information and history.

Her family lived a distance away, but I was in contact with them, and reported anything I felt necessary, eg, if she asked me to look at a letter, or sort out money in her purse. I used to tell her that her family would do it for her when they visited at the weekend and that I wasn't really the person to help.

I think anyone with honest intentions would do the same, and if they didn't, I'd be suspicious.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 16:33

Also there isn't a clear demarcation line between "competent" and "not competent". Someone very old can be competent in some areas but not others. Memory may be good enough, but have small lapses. Someone (like my Mum) might become more trusting, they might lose their radar for someone lying to them, as their cognition slightly declines. A person might be competent at getting their supper together, keeping clean, dressing etc. They might still remember all their relatives and friend's names and be on top of most things, but struggle with a document that comes out of the blue, such as insurance. (It does sound as though OP your Mum is at this stage?) This sort of person needs a little bit more support and possibly more frequent interaction. Pricklyness can come from a defensive fear of becoming less able, and it can then make helping someone more difficult. This is where scammers and dishonest people come in. It is horrifyingly easy to scam an elderly person. My Mum had always been sensible, but she was kind, and trusting, and that was more noticable as she got older. This made it much easier to scam her. Sad Sad Sad

SheSaidHeSaid · 20/09/2017 16:34

I'd be very wary of this woman. A very very similar thing happened to my nan, nan was 90 when she died and the woman was about 55. Turns out that my nan's will was changed so this random woman got almost all of my nan's money and family got pretty much nothing. It's not so much the actual money that's upsetting to us buy more that we feel this woman wormed her way in and then cut all ties and contact with our family as soon as she got her cash.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derxa · 20/09/2017 16:35

POA is set up by solicitor, the elderly person who is of sound mind and the person who will have POA in the event of the diminishing faculties of the the elderly person. My DF had a next door neighbour who wormed his way in. it was not pleasant. The problem is if the DM becomes very angry about her DD questioning her ability to judge character.

SaucyJack · 20/09/2017 16:35

I think you should have a word.

TBH looking around at people I know who would behave like Anne, she sounds less like a scam artist and more like a narc with a martyr complex.

She may be a nice person. Or she may be a busybody who's latched on to your mum because she's allowed her to take over.

She's probably telling all and sundry that you're a terrible daughter who does nothing for your poor helpless mum.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 16:37

We had an old lady living opposite who had dementia and was getting more vulnerable. Her dd lived six hours drive away. We kept an eye on her, would sometimes go round for tea etc, as she was very lonely, but we would never have got involved in anything financial. If we had any concerns we would call her daughter. We gave her daughter our number in case she was worried at any point, we wanted to help as neighbours and friends. We didn't want to cross a boundary.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 16:41

I would be very concerned op. I think Ann is after your mum's money, time to take control of things and have a big chat to your mum. Unfortunately there are nasty people that prey on elderly people like your mum, they start doing kind things for them to gain their trust, and they they get in a position whereby they are managing the person's money, and have access to their finances. I read of a similar story to yours, and this ladies 'Ann' fleeced her of her savings.

Mxyzptlk · 20/09/2017 16:46

I'd be very suspicious of Anne.
Surely a true friend of your Mum's would back off when you phoned about the shopping and would stick to just visits and lifts.

Can you start visiting your mum more often, especially at times when Anne is there, if you know when those are?

How would your Mum react if you explained that you are worried and asked to be reassured by being allowed to see her bank account, card statements, etc so that you know Anne is as nice and helpful as your Mum believes?

guilty100 · 20/09/2017 16:48

I think there are a group of people - who generally come over as wouldn't-say-boo-to-a-goose-Christian-middle-class types who worm their way into elderly people's affections and then start asking for gifts, financial help etc. We recently had one in our family: a man in his 50s, outwardly utterly respectable, who flirted with my (irremediably foolish) grandmother and accepted a number of expensive gifts from her. He pretended to be all sorts of things, including someone with influence at the local hospital (my GF was terminally ill, and he gave false hope) to gain ascendancy. The spell eventually broke when he didn't have an affair with her but with someone else.

Graphista · 20/09/2017 16:49

My gran was fleeced out of £40k which wasn't even discovered until after her death. Happened over a long period of time.

As someone who has worked in elderly care -

1 dementia and other competency affecting conditions can easily be missed and develop slowly.

2 the elderly are not au fait with how easy it is with Internet access and someone's name, dob and bank account no to commit fraud/theft. We've seen in recent years just how poor big companies' internet security is inc banks.

3 the op is NOT being interfering and posters urging caution are not advising that. But it is perfectly reasonable for op to investigate further if possible and protect her mum.

Op I would contact social services for financial abuse/safe guarding advice. In addition IF this woman has done this before they'll likely be aware of her.

Frankly I'd also google the woman's name and try and find out as much as I could about her.

The elderly as several pp have said are extremely vulnerable to financial abuse.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/09/2017 16:50

Friends are great and having someone close with similar interests in crafts is wonderful. Moving in on an elderly widow's finances and personal admin is a whole other thing. Even if she is innocently helping she needs to back off.
You need to talk to your Mum about this and make sure while she is still able, that you and her visit the solicitors for POA

When you tell Ann not to do the shop or the admin don't accept Oh I like to as an answer. Be firm and say no, I'm her daughter it is my job to do and I will continue with it think you very much.
I might even call Adult social services and ask them about protecting your mother from someone trying to take over like this. See what they say.

Lndnmummy · 20/09/2017 16:50

Be very careful op. My friend's elderly mother was being swindled out of lots of money from a similar type of "friend". It caused her great distress in her last couple of years. It really scarred her. Not the money (she always wealthy too) but she was devastated at the betrayal and how "gullible" she had been. My friendly to this day feel so full of sadness that her elderly mother was treated in this way.

Mxyzptlk · 20/09/2017 16:51

If Mum says that you should not distrust Anne, as she is so nice, maybe you could say that you feel a bit upset about the idea that Mum seems not to trust you, as she has stopped you from helping her.

TrickOrRuddyTreat · 20/09/2017 16:52

Playing devil's advocate for a moment, is it possible that Anne wants to do so much because she enjoys the gratitude she gets from your mum? If her husband is unsupportive then perhaps he's also ungrateful and perhaps she is like millions of other women who do more than their fair share of the grunt work for no thanks whatsoever. If that's the case I can see why going to your mum's nice quiet house and being fawned over for doing a bit of paperwork might be attractive.

That said, I think you're right to be worried given all the horror stories there are around and I agree with whichever poster is was who said you should befriend her a bit in a 'keep your enemies close' way. Maybe you could emphasise that you have helped with food/finances for a long time and you enjoy doing it for your mum but you're pleased she's there as a friend.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 16:54

I totally agree with you Graphista, in time as a person gets older their judgement may not be as sharp. Also the elderly come from an era where you could trust people, they very vulnerable. I was watching Fake Britain today, and an elderly couple were duped by this so called 'innocent' health questionnaire, which was a precursor to buying very expensive orthopaedic beds and chairs. The elderly people were too polite to put the phone down or to tell the sellers to f off.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/09/2017 16:57

I would always errr on the side of caution, and if Ann is genuine, she will totally understand.

Charolais · 20/09/2017 16:59

I’ve seen this happen several times in my life when much younger people start taking an interest in a much older person and they have always been there for financial gain.

The first time I saw it happen was in 1972. I was keeping my horse at a farm on the outskirts of a more developed area. The couple were lovely/lonely and would do everything to get me to stop to chat. I was a mere teenager at the time. When the old farmer died his widow became even more desperate to chat and so I made a point of stopping by everyday before biking home and listen to her very interesting stories of the area and farm years before. My parents also would stop by for a chin wag with her when they came out.

Out of the blue a fellow showed up from London, a fast talker and slimy as hell. He spent a lot of time inside her house. Within a short time the old lady was moved into a small flat in town, but before she left she told me she had sold the place to the man because he had promised her we could continue to keep our ponies and horses there. My dad found out she had sold it, lock stock and barrel for 20,000 pounds!

The man immediately bulldozed down the lovely farmhouse and after that he left gates open etc, even strung barbed wire through the grass that cut our horses legs. I was the last hold out. I was 16 or 17 and groped my crotch when he caught me alone.

Soon as I removed my horse he bulldozed the picturesque farmyard and ancient outbuildings. The place is worth many millions because of it’s location.

I could give you many more examples. Funny thing I have never seen a younger person befriend someone like that who was down and out penniless.

claraschu · 20/09/2017 17:00

My father had this happen with an old "friend", who ended up fraudulently marrying him (he was 102 and not even fully aware that my mother had died) and very nearly selling his house. Fortunately I had POA, set up 20 years earlier and was his health-care proxy. We were able to fight in court, but it cost a fortune and turned my hair grey.

Please OP, get your mum to talk to her lawyer and set up a POA for you if she hasn't done it already.

People don't go from competent to incompetent over night; it is a long process with many ups and downs. Many elderly people are fiercely independent and stubborn about their choices even though they are already losing perspective and don't have a good grip on things like finances.

Swipe left for the next trending thread