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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
bookwormsforever · 20/09/2017 15:35

I'd be very suspicious too. If she has all these things in her life - kids, ill dad, etc - how has she so much time to spend with your mum?? Sounds like she's worming her way into your mum's will.

Fair enough spending time with your mum, even popping to the shops for her, but anything finance related?? No.

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 15:36

I think my mum maybe introducing things to Anne in conversation that she shouldn't. Then Anne is getting involved when really she should know that she shouldn't. I need to get a little braver when dealing with both of them really, perhaps.

OP posts:
allaboutthatsass · 20/09/2017 15:38

OP do you have power of attorney? I'm not entirely sure how it works but it could stop anything financial happening without your knowledge or say so.

My late gran has a neighbour without any kids where my mother and other people round about her would step in to help. Sometimes people are well meaning, sometimes they are not.

In the case of the old lady I mentioned, she has a god daughter who was taking advantage of her until my mother realised what was going on and phoned the old lady's lawyer for help.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2017 15:38

This sounds very worrying. Fair enough giving your Mum lifts and getting the odd bit of shopping but taking over her paperwork and bills absolutely not. I'd get in touch with Age Concern and see what they advise. This woman should absolutely not be worming her way in. Some people are very devious.

withouttea · 20/09/2017 15:39

I'm conflicted with this one. On the one hand, your mother's privacy and dignity need to be considered. She can be helped out by anyone she chooses to trust, I suppose. But my DFIL & wife have just been ripped off by a scamming builder for thousands because they trusted him when he said the back of their house was falling down. They are active, healthy and independent but still they were vulnerable to being ripped off.

On the other hand, I am very close to a friend who is 30 years older than me, and do all the things you describe for her - check her insurance, negotiate energy prices, sort out anything she isn't comfy with. I also hold a power of attorney for her money and health, joint with her niece (my friend didn't have children). But we've been dear friends for 12 years and to all intents and purposes are like mother and daughter in affection. My friend's money, if there's anything left, goes entirely to her niece & nephews. So I suppose I'm 'Anne' - but not seeking to gain anything, I just want to enjoy her lovely company and it's nice to do these things for her out of love (my own Mum died many years ago).

I think you are right to be wary, but tread carefully. No-one likes having their judgement called into question. Even if it is possibly poor!

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:39

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BeatriceBeaudelaire · 20/09/2017 15:41

Everything is fine EXCEPT HAVING ANY INPUT OR CONTROL OF FINANCES. She may also be trying to sneak into the will.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:42

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RatherBeRiding · 20/09/2017 15:43

I too would be very, very wary, and I speak from experience with elderly parent and "helpful carers". Parent was comfortably off and fortunately able to spot the discrepancies and put a stop to the "helping" - but it's so easy for elderly people to be scammed by people who ought to be in a position of trust.

We set up a Third Party Authority on his bank account, which meant I had access to cheque book, signing cheques, cash card etc - is this something you could explore with your DM so you could at least keep an eye on the bank account?

opheliacat · 20/09/2017 15:45

My dad actually died before it got too bad! He kept a little diary, though.

It is incredibly easy to scam elderly people.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2017 15:45

Contrast Anne with my good friend's Granny's neighbour. GFG was cantankerous and difficult person her whole life, and it intensified in old age. She fell out with her two dcs and that left my friend and her sister solely responsible for their Granny, yet they both lived hundreds of miles away. Granny fell out with all her friends and neighbours, apart from one saintly younger woman who kept an eye out, did shopping and called my friend if she had any worries. She never overstepped a boundry, she simply was a caring person. When Granny died she had left her house jointly to my two friends. They sold it and split it three ways, giving the kind neighbour a third, because without her their Granny would have struggled to cope and they would have had to be much more involved. At no point did they have any concerns about the neigbour, because she never got involved in personal affairs, other than being a more than averagely helpful and decent person who felt sorry for Granny (then well into her nineties). Anne is not behaving like this. Anne sounds as though she has spun a sob-story. What person with quite so many difficult demands on their time also has time for the "fresh air" of a friend's house quite so regularly? What woman with young children and a sick relative suggests herself for shopping duties and financial help? Do you know Anne's surname and where she lives?

HenriettaH · 20/09/2017 15:46

To the OP

I would be very concerned. I have recently found that my own mother has been taken for a lot of money. A man who claims and still claims to be her 'partner' yet lives with his wife has beenn doing my mums finances wiith my mum thinking he has been helping. Now that my mum has demetia and my power of attorney has kicked in...I find she has no savings during the time he was doing her finances and yet in the 6 months I have been doing them she has 3000 pounds in savings now. Dont let it continue....you must speak to your mum and also to this Anne. Tell Anne you are concerned about her interest in your mums affairs... I would also be talking to a solicitor. Do you have POA in the event your mum needs it?

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:47

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expatinscotland · 20/09/2017 15:47

YANBU

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 15:48

She is competent to deal with all her affairs, but she can easily get flustered and so of recent years she has always asked me to help her. I do all the administration in her house ( while she breathes down my neck!). It's obvious that she is irritated that she needs my help but she recognises that she does.

With Anne, I wonder if my mother likes to involve her give her even more reasons to visit. My mother has lots of friends but they are all very elderly and find visiting difficult. She does love company and Anne entertains her greatly.

OP posts:
Blobby10 · 20/09/2017 15:49

In your position OP I would be very worried - I know someone who spent the last 3 or 4 years doing just what Anne is doing for your mother. This person managed to get him to change his will and she is now some £250k better off after he passed away the other week. Her cousins and other family are outraged but she did it so calculatingly and there isn't anything anyone can do about it. She tried it with my grandma too - officially just being her 'friend' but luckily my father put a stop to it fairly quickly.

GoldenFlaps · 20/09/2017 15:49

Power of attorney would be laughed out of court if her mum is competent.

Power of Attorney can only be granted if the donor is of sound mind Confused

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:50

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Originalfoogirl · 20/09/2017 15:50

Life hasn't been kind to Anne? Oh for sure the only reason she might seek out your mum is because she's out to steal her money. Hmm

Or maybe, Anne seems like the kind of person who looks after people and enjoys spending time with your mum. Is your mum so awful that the only reason someone would befriend her is for money?

If you are so concerned that your mother is incapable of making her own decisions or is too vulnerable to spot a con-artist then get yourself a power of attorney.

Wondering if you have siblings and if they were suspicious of you doing your mum's admin? I'm also wondering exactly what "admin" someone in their 80s has that would give someone full access to their money. Surely you had set up direct debits and the like for payments? I've got a house and a mortgage and a car and insurance and a child and I haven't got any "admin" which could lead to me being scammed if someone did it for me.

So, unless she has handed over her bank card and pin number, how exactly is Anne supposed to take all her money?

Why not just be upfront with Anne. Tell her you think her background means she is a scam artist and can she confirm she isn't.

Sunbitternx · 20/09/2017 15:51

Definitely set up a secret camera in your mum's house, but don't tell her.

That way if Anne is trying to access your mother's finances then you will have evidence should things go wrong.

Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:52

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Pengggwn · 20/09/2017 15:53

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lizzieoak · 20/09/2017 15:53

I think some posters don't perhaps grasp that dementia doesn't develop quickly, nor is it that easy to diagnose early on. And even if her mum does not have dementia, her judgement might not be quite what it was.

As the OP knows, we have a responsibility to care for our parents as they once cared for us. And this may sometimes include stepping in when people outside the family are "helping" in areas that are best left to family (when family is available and willing).

My mum was scammed out of £20,000 and my friends' parents scammed out of heaven knows how much by a builder who turned himself into an "advisor"/permanent fixture. It happens a lot and sensible precautions are a sign of love, not control.

PollyFlint · 20/09/2017 15:53

She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.

Yeah, I'd be worried about this to be honest.

Obviously your mum is an adult and can make her own decisions, but equally people her age are more vulnerable to being scammed financially. This happened to my MIL's next door neighbour when a much younger couple 'befriended' him. One day he knocked on MIL's door confused about a letter he'd had from the bank and it transpired this couple had basically emptied his account through various means after 'helping' him with 'admin' and had also taken out a loan in his name.

Fishface77 · 20/09/2017 15:54

I wouldn't trust Anne.
Have you met her op?
I would have to make a "surprise" visit down.

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