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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable about this

454 replies

user1471558723 · 20/09/2017 14:51

My mother is in her late eighties, she lives alone and looks after herself. I live some distance away but speak to her most days. I do her shopping and visit her once or twice a week.
She attends a craft club once a week, it's attended by people of all ages.
A much younger lady began dropping my mother at home each week, this then developed into her offering to collect my mother. This lady let's call her Anne is very kind she has according to my mother an unsupportive partner, a large family, primary school age children, grown up children and grand children. She looks after them all and does not have a job. Anne also looks after her elderly father who has terminal cancer.
I was delighted when Anne offered my mother regular lifts to and from the craft club. But now the friendship has intensified. Anne is visiting my mum several times a week. She is "helping" my mother with all the administrative work that I used to do, sorting out insurance etc.
I've told my mum there is no need to involve Anne in all this as she obviously is a woman with commitments of her own. My mum insists Anne wants to do everything she does.
My mum is very well placed financially and reading between the lines life has not been so kind to Anne.
I would really like to think that Anne is a lovely lady who has found a friendship with my mother despite the 45 year age gap. I'm just a bit uncertain and would value other people's opinions.

OP posts:
TheRealBiscuitAddict · 21/09/2017 18:43

"Finances are not for "friends" to deal with." and yet how many people do we read about on here who are NC with elderly relatives and make the statement that people feel sorry for them because they're elderly?

How many cases do we read about people who die and are left dead in their homes for weeks or even months with no family checking on them?

Only recently a woman contested her mother's will even though they'd been NC for years and the list goes on.

Yes, in this case the DD is still in the equation. But let's not assume that every friend is a would-be con artist or that all children are fine upstanding citizens who wouldn't complain about a friendship because they thought they were being done out of an inheritance.

It's actually far more common for the elderly to be conned by their own family than by strangers/well-meaning friends.

Smartiepants87 · 21/09/2017 18:47

I think the issue here is op is her dd and has
been more than capable of doing paperwork and shopping, Anne has taken it upon herself to do this, even brushing op off when she politely informed her she did all that stuff. Financial abuse is extremely common in the elderly I would be extremely worried a normal friend wouldn't try to step on family toes. The red flags are all there.

CoolCarrie · 21/09/2017 18:55

I would be concerned about this. A lot of fraudsters play a long game and at least you can keep an eye on the situation.

Disn3yN3rd · 21/09/2017 18:56

How does "Anne" pay for your mums shopping? I assume it doesn't come out of her own bank account.

everythingsucks · 21/09/2017 19:05

Anyone else think Peng is Ann?Confused

Logans · 21/09/2017 19:05

We had this with a relative OP. the woman gradually started offering to sell relative lots of massively overpriced items she no longer needed herself anymore. Think asking £500 for something worth £200 on eBay. Also, offering to get rid of items for the relative. Plus, one or two very small items (£10-15 worth) did mysteriously go missing. We ended up (with relatives permission) telling her to back off, that no money was going to change hands and that relative did not need anything disposing of. The relative basically never saw her again after that. Very sad end to a "friendship".

Logans · 21/09/2017 19:06

^ my relative was also elderly (90's), I should have mentioned. And the "friend" was a generation younger.

MNOverinvestor · 21/09/2017 19:12

I really like the company of old people but if ever one of them asked me to get involved in financial matters beyond doing a bit of grocery shopping, I'd be in contact with the next of kin and mentioning it to them (and refusing to do anything with bank accounts etc).

woosey35 · 21/09/2017 19:13

My elderly grandmother had a hairdresser that came to her house weekly to do her hair. She then started getting a paper for her. She then offered to do some shopping etc. This was over a few years so very slowly. Then my grandmother, who thought the hairdresser was 'so kind to help' started to give her cash point card to her to get £20 cash out each week so that my grandmother had cash in her handbag. This went on a while before she dropped it into conversation to my mum. My mum then checked my grandmothers statement and every week there had been the £20 cash......followed by a further £50!!!!!!!!!!

I personally would draw a line under it. Yes let her be friends and enjoy each other company. But as for paperwork etc....your mum has you..why would a 'friend' step in to do that?!?!

Pengggwn · 21/09/2017 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thymeout · 21/09/2017 19:20

We still don't know what Anne has actually done for Op's mother. She's on the spot for odd bits of shopping and I've had many conversations with my friends about insurance renewal hikes, which is now an annual problem. I'd be double happy for someone else to go through the rigmarole of looking at comparison sites for me. Tho', as I say, we don't know what she's done.

I don't find her responses suspicious. If she's innocent, it might not occur to her that there's anything unusual in a friend doing shopping for a friend. She might well think she's being helpful. She is. I used to do the shopping for an 89 yr old retired hospital matron. I put it on my card and got cash-back for her and she wrote me a cheque. Otherwise she'd have no way of getting cash to pay the window cleaner etc. Her next of kin lived two hours away and, apart from phone calls and high days and holidays, played little part in her daily life. (Unlike Op, I realise that.)

When she fell ill, it was me who picked up that something was wrong on the phone and organised the ambulance.

Yes - there are people who worm their way in and take advantage, sad to say. But better to stay open-minded until you have reasonable evidence for your suspicions, and the best way to do that, as others have said, is to engineer a way to get to know Annie better.

Pengggwn · 21/09/2017 19:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glossoverthat · 21/09/2017 19:24

I also think be wary, my PIL, had an elderly relative, whose neighbours started going into his house to help out, they also helped themselves to everything when the poor man died.
I'd be very wary I'm afraid.

I think this is a regular ruse, an elderly Great Uncle complained to our relatives about people going into his house, it turns out one of his neighbours who had a key, had keys cut for other neighbours ( and complete strangers who were going in) and things went missing. My sister, got the locks changed, having first taken all the keys back, and although we were very remote, distance wise, sorted out his new care arrangements.

People just can't be trusted, when they can take advantage of older people without being found out. Of course there are lovely people out there, but there are also complete chancers around.

MsMommie · 21/09/2017 19:25

I see why you're worried, but I wouldn't be. What do you think she's going to do? Rob your mum? Steal her money? Change her will?

She has found a friend who has a lot of time for her and whose company she enjoys. Not everyone is evil and wants to exploit elderly people.

Keep an eye on things, but don't go having words unless you find some evidence to suggest she is being taken advantage of.
I have a large family. I've never had a grandma. I would love to spend time with an elderly lady in her lovely quiet house just chatting. I would enjoy that. I wouldn't exploit her.

Drivingmenuts · 21/09/2017 19:27

Have you told your Mum your worries?

user1479335914 · 21/09/2017 19:30

Could you ask your mother why she feels the need for Anne's help with finances and admin? If she is capable, and also has the back up of you doing this for her if needed, it is hard to understand why she would have offered this to Anne. Therefore it looks as though her 'friend' may have asked her if she could help, and for some reason your mother agreed. This does seem quite odd -why the offer of help, and why the agreement - perhaps your mother did not like to turn her down, especially if she was pushy about it, for the sake of the friendship. I would be quite wary about it unless your mother can give a good reason as to why Anne is helping her with finances. It might be worth considering taking on a power of attorney with your mother's agreement. It would only kick in if she became unable to run her own affairs in future, so would not help now. But best its you if the time comes when it is necessary, rather than her affairs in hands of someone else you do not know.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/09/2017 19:37

Ffs just continue being sure her daughters are 'in the loop'. I know they'll be grateful for the extra set of eyes and ears.

My mum began the first stages of dementia just before my brother moved home and her neighbour was invaluable in alerting me to things I didn't see. I was still working full time at that point, spoke to mum every day, dropped by after work about every other evening for a chat and a bite, and often did things together on weekends but I didn't really see anything but the usual 'forgetfulness' of an 88 year old woman. It was the neighbour who noticed Mum standing in the yard not quite knowing how she got there or why she'd come out, who noticed that Mum wasn't going down to the community hall to socialize as she did in the past. That she'd go outside without a jacket in cold weather. The neighbour rang me up and filled me in in a non-judgmental way. We were eternally grateful for her alert eyes and caring heart.

MsJolly · 21/09/2017 19:39

Hope things go well tonight

treacletoffee23 · 21/09/2017 19:40

You can set up Power of Attorney for Health,and for financial matters. Your mum would have to be in full agreement and of sound mind. We did this for our mum as she was concerned about having a second stroke and being left incapable.
I would be concerned re the shopping - do you see receipts? is a bankcard and Pin used?
If your mum was ever ill you as next of kin need to be in the loop -this is what made my mum want POA for Health and Finance - not the neighbour. Good luck.

cmwlocal76 · 21/09/2017 20:07

I would personally say to 'Anne' that any business regarding financial, insurances etc that are the matter for the family to deal with. If this lady is genuine she should not have a problem with it and understand your reasons. She should leave those aspects for your mom's family to sort.

sleepingthr0ugh · 21/09/2017 20:09

A similar situation happened in our family. My grandfather was befriended by an individual who initially started by giving him a lift to social groups then taking him for lunch. After some time and increased involvement we baecame worried. My mum raised her concerns and he became very deffensive (and we now know he was being heavily influenced) he stopped speaking to my mum for 2 years due to her interfering. Over the next few years his mental health deteriorated. To cut a long story short by the time my mum managed to get power of attorney his over draft was competely maxed and it became apparent that this 'friend' had been transferring his money into her account to the tune of almost £15000

fatimashortbread · 21/09/2017 20:17

This is a very tricky situation as you don't want to alienate your Mum or lose her a genuine friend.
My MIL (80) is friends with a man along the road from her who is a similar age. They did a lot together but sadly his health has deteriorated but MIL visited him regularly. A few weeks ago a family member has taken to spend every day at the man's house and won't leave the pair of them alone when MIL does visit despite the man's request for her to do so; as a result MiL feels very uncomfortable. I am sure you don't want to be 'that' family member chasing friends away.

On the other hand Anne's involvement in yourMother's finances is not appropriate. You need to tackle your Mum about it but it can do no harm for you to get to know Anne during your visits to your Mum.

I wish you well - it's a tightrope.

PS: MIL would like me to get involved in her financial affairs as I am an accountant but I don't do that as I don't want to create a property between DP and SIL!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/09/2017 20:22

A genuine, helping and honest person, in this situation, would not get involved in finances especially when there is family support available. They'd be too aware of that involvement backfiring on them I think, and possible accusations of defrauding due to misunderstandings

This is exactly the point I was trying to make - only you put it much better Smile

OP I hope your chat with your mum goes well later

sashadasher · 21/09/2017 20:39

You have a right too be very concerned about the financial side of their relationship.
My now late dad,who was very astute allowed a very friendly couple to change all his bills/ins around etc.This couple had been friends with him for years,they went all over and were good to him and vice versa.He then decided to go on trip went to bank and savings were empty,1 works pension was being deposited out to pay their bills!
Fraud squad was called but dad was too upset,I ended up travelling to their house and confronting them.It was the wife,her poor husband didn't know anything.Maybe relate this story as would hate you dp to go through same trauma.

NewUser24 · 21/09/2017 20:49

I would speak with Anne and say to her that you are dealing with all of you mothers financial affairs. If she is a genuine person she will step away from it with no issues.

If your mother has any form of dementia or possible dementia I think you need to get power of attorney as it could cause problems later on. Explain it to your mum that you don't want anyone taking advantage of her in the future without bringing up Ann's name.

I know of someone that got taken in by scammers and they managed to get power of attorney and her son got kicked out and banned from the house and they have sold up her house from under her. Please be careful