To think my mum will forgive me?

[McGertie]

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

You said about your brother videoing the ceremony for your Mum. Would it be possible to set up a Skype or something similar, so you could say to people what is happening and they could still be part of the day, just without them having to go to all the expense?
Then have a party when you get back.
I only mention as it was an idea I considered for family who couldn't make my wedding which ended up not happening.

it does depend - whats your mum like? pretty chilled out? Laid back? If so - then go for it. My mum would have had a heart attack if i got married in secret - she would probably never forgive me and i would never do that to her - but thats my mum - i know what she's like.

I personally would be mortified if my daughter got married without telling me - even if she wanted to marry without me there, i would have like to have known.

ok - I've just read your brother and partner will be there (sorry i am trying to cook at the same time so didn't read the full thread) With this - i must change my mind and say yes - yabu. How would your mum feel when she finds out your brother was there and not her!? Please re-consider OP. You only have one mum! You don't want to look back on wedding pictures one day and be reminded that your mum wasn't there.

If you really don't want her there (and I'm feeling you don't) please at least tell her you're getting married and tell her why she can't come.

You know how your mum will react so what any of us think is a bit irrelevant. I would be hurt but I see that others would not.

BUT But we will still have the big blessing do once we have the kids this may prove to be significantly more difficult than you think. Newly placed children aare notoriously bad at dealing with big family parties so you shouldn;t bank on this happening.

And I see ButtonMoon got there before me - teach me to read the thread first.

Can't you just tell your mum?

My mum was massivley supportive emotionally and practically of DS's adoption. Keeping such a big secret from your mum seems a bit of a poke in the eye if she is simialrly supportive. Though to be fair I may be projecting somewhat there.

MrsjamesAspey def made me feel worse thanks.

Not my intention, the point was her parents were disappointed but didn't cause a fuss, it's her who now finds it hard to live with her decision.

You've asked for opinions don't complain if they're not the answers you obviously want.

If you were my daughter, with your DP of 10 years, I'd be very happy you finally got round to it in whichever way worked for you, and for your sake I'd be pleased that at least one of our family (your DB) could share the day for you.
I'd probably though prefer you telling me of your plans beforehand, however there'd be no danger of me trying to force my presence on you with all the reasons you gave. It's not really a wedding wedding! If it was a massive wedding with loads of guests invited and me excluded then it's different, but in your situation I'd say Godspeed :) (saying that as a mother of a daughter old enough to marry!)

Just do it. You need the wedding you need. It is your wedding and it is nobody else's business.

I got married with just my two brothers as witnesses and nobody else at all. Neither me nor DH are big wedding fans and would never have wanted a big wedding. I would personally not have minded inviting parents but DH really did not want to so I went with that because being married was more important in the grand scheme of things.

My parents were completely fine with it. They gave us a nice present after the fact and wished us well and were happy for us. DH's parents were fucking mental. We met up with them a week or so later and they started sobbing in the car park outside the pub. It was insane. I had to say 'can we all go and cry inside now, please, because it's cold out here'. DD was 18 months and freezing and I was weirded out and it was all completely odd.

You cannot control anyone else's reaction to your wedding. All you can do is have the wedding you want to have and get on with the business of being married, which is actually quite tricky from time to time. Follow your heart, OP.

I'd be massively hurt if it were my kids if I'm being totally honest, especially as other people will be there. Also, my mum passed away a few years ago - she walked me down the aisle and did a speech since my dad isn't in my life, and the photos of videos of that are amongst my most treasured. I certainly didn't expect my mum to pass away so young (she was 61, all other women in her family lived to their 90s) and if I'd gotten married without her I would seriously regret it now.

Is it just costs or do you actually not want her there?

If I was your mum I would be GUTTED!

Also, I suspect you know it's unreasonable since you didn't mention that one of the guests is your brother - no matter how it turned out this way, that will be really hurtful to your mum. I couldn't have understood how hurtful this would be until
I had kids myself but it would crush me to be honest!

It's difficult to understand the enormous amount of love affection you pour into your child. There are often lovely benefits though. A child who didn't marry - no issue. A child who marries but chooses not to invite you. Devastating for a while... some parents would get over it.

Why not have a really simple registry office ceremony, parents and siblings only. Then have your party/ honeymoon with your friends.

You might not be best friends forever - you can't say that about a parent. Unless they're abusive or something?? It's a good way to put distance in a relationship if that's what you feel is needed.

This would make me view my whole relationship with that child differently. Sorry but you did ask!

I wouldn't mind.

My brother did this. I was hurt as I wanted to be there but I got over it sharpish when I saw how happy they were! My mum was absolutely fine with it.

You could tell her but say you aren't having any guests and so that could preempt the guilt when she tries to push. But to be honest I'm not sure why you would rather have 4 other guests there over your parents m.

My mum said she didn't mind if we ran off to get married abroad as long as she could be there!

It's the secrecy I don't like. It's fair enough if you are estranged from a close family member but I couldn't do it to someone with whom I have a loving, close relationship.

My son got married in USA. I was not able to go. I had a good cry on the day but I have never got angry about it.

Have skimmed the thread so apologies if this has already been mentioned but could you call her at the start of the holiday and then stream the ceremony over the internet to the relatives back home?

Congratulations have a wonderful day, its about you and DP your DM will respect your wishes I'm sure, and she doesn't have to worry about an outfit!

The fact her sons girlfriend ranks high enough to attend, and not her, will probably be the worst thing.
I think you are wrong op. Why can't your mum come and keep it secret?? Her coming will not mean the entire family has to.

Could you consider calling her while you're away and telling her you've just been swept away by the romance of the place, and decided that day to do it the next day? She'd feel more involved, could listen in on a phone or live feed and perhaps get the chance to offer to pay for some aspect of it- flowers, champagne, etc.

If you wanted to share the blame, you could suggest that your friends and DP cooked it up and sprang it on you the day before?

Could you scrap the ceremony abroad and have a quick and very small register office wedding before you go? That way your father could come and you could insist on restricting it to immediate family only, with maybe something like an informal restaurant meal afterwards?

I'd tell her early and get her involved in choosing out fit etc and then get DB to record it/FaceTime etc and ask her to arrange family party when we got back.
She might benefit from time to think about it, be hurt but then come through it and wish you a happy day.
But I hate surprises and would like to feel like I had contributed to my child's happy day somehow.

How imminent is the adoption? Are you approved/linked/matched/intros booked? Do the social workers involved know your plans? Not that you need their permission but they would usually advise against planning major life changes if you are very close to bringing your children home.

I've adopted and done intros twice and as amazing as it was to meet our kids, it was easily the two most difficult times of my life. There is no way I could have managed without the support of my family.

You sound as though you know your parents will be upset. Please bear in mind that intros are such an emotionally draining time, even without dealing with the potential fallout of what you're planning. Your new children will have already experienced loss and difficult family relationships, and they need the security of a stable family in order to start making healthy attachments.

Hope it all goes well whatever you decide.