To think my mum will forgive me?

[McGertie]

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

I couldn't do this to my mum. I know she would have put a brave face on it but that she would have been very hurt.

Btw I say this as someone who eloped but we didn't have anyone and we told people beforehand

I have a tricky family too and all I'd want is to quietly get married to my -currently non existent DP without it turning into a ball of string that you invite one person and it unravels into a giant circus.

But that's not what she's saying! What she's saying is she doesn't want to put her Dad under pressure to come when he can't afford it and she would miss him if he wasn't there. She absolutely has not said "I don't want my family there."

If you really want to do it that way then...

Don't tell them & swear friends in attendance to secrecy and just have a small ceremony when you get home...
Soon though, just in case!

Sound simple to me 😊

We did exactly this and got married on holiday with a few friends. The only difference is we told our families first to make sure they were ok with it

My mum was mostly fine with it, she knew I never wanted a big wedding and would have hated it and fortunately my sister had already been married with all the trimmings, which my mum actually found very stressful.

In the end she knew that it was either us getting married this way or not bothering, because the big wedding just wasn't for us

OP, I don't often post but this has moved me to reply. Mum of a 19 yr old daughter and 20 yr old son here. I would be extremely hurt for all the reasons given by others posters. I'm in the forget but not forgive camp.

Not sure why you posted really, it was bound to end up upsetting you.

Of course it will affect your relationship going forward!

You really are naive to think it won't.
And I say that as someone who had a very small wedding, didn't cost much, and I'm not fussed about big weddings and all the pomp!

Why do you want to hurt her so much?

Your poor Mum! I would be absolutely heart broken. I hope you find the compassion to change your plan as once it is done it can't be undone if your Mum is as hurt as I would be.

If you want to get married, you should do it. It's your wedding and you know your family best. Don't compromise the wedding you want for the sake of avoiding a guilt trip

Just be prepared for the emotional consequences it can have on others afterwards thats all. And again thats the bit I dont get the wedding you want bit...I wouldnt want to have got married without my Mum there (my Dad was dead). But having your Mum there doesnt seem to be as important to others so we are all different.

I take it your "batshit" comment was aimed at me. That's nice your mother is level headed. Because there are mothers out there, mine included, who would react like this. So don't be so eager to write off my comments as batshit just because it seems so alien to you. Lucky you. I don't know your mother. I said it as a possibility, not a given. No need to flounce.

I did it. There might be a few cats bum mouths but they get over it. 11 years on who remembers the weddings, only the happy couple and we have no regrets.

Say, it was the spur of the moment. You just decided. It's the planning that seems to upset people.

you can't pretend it's spur of the moment - a destination holiday exchange of vows that's legal obviously has to be planned, doesn't pass the sniff test.

Why would you want your wedding to hurt anyone, especially your DM? I've made some selfish decisions across the years - not attending family weddings I should've made more of an effort for, forgetting birthdays, not bothering to call when I should, I've lived to regret a few of them.

I think the adoption will help sell it. Say you've decided that you want to be married before lo arrives but want to save all your money for your new family not splash on big wedding. I personally would confide in the parents that you wish to do this and suggest a meal out to celebrate on your return. Explain that it won't be big thing abroad.
Then if they really really want to come (discourage this) say only the parents and their partners are invited (at their own expense). Or even just your direct parents, no partners (I know someone who did this/didn't want her step dad).

It really depends on the relationship between you, OP. Only you have an understanding of how that is.

I think if either of my dds (both in their 20s) spontaneously got married while abroad and told me later, I'd be sad I hadn't been there, but I'd celebrate with them when they got back. If however, they actually planned it beforehand and didn't confide in me this wouldn't happen I'd be really upset. We are all very close though.

My own dominating, narcissistic, toxic mother was a total nightmare before and during my first wedding. She wasn't invited to my second wedding and is still livid ten years later. We have absolutely no relationship though.

If your relationship with your DM is fairly good, couldn't you just tell her what you are going to do, explain what you've explained to us on here, and just talk to her. You run the risk of her 'guilting' you into letting her come, but if you're prepared for that...maybe you'll be able to stand firm and just explain again that you'd then also feel obliged to include all those other people...and you just don't want that, what does she think you should do etc.

But as I said, it does depend on what kind of relationship you have/want with her.

If it was me, I'd prefer it if I knew and understood your reasons (which are fair enough!) I'd forgive and I'd be happy for you but I'd expect a party on your return!! can't congratulations by the way!

I think I could get over it as a mum, I would have a pang of sadness and then make the best of it.

However- I wouldn't do it, as seeing my mum and gran so happy on my wedding day is one of my abiding memories of the day. They just talk about it as a really special day, no pressure, not a big thing, just a very lovely and special event we shared together. I did want to elope, I was so in love I kind of didn't care if anyone else was there, but seeing them I knew I'd done the right thing in having a small family wedding.

She will learn to live with it- I'd rather my children were up front, told me the truth and Skyped me in/made me feel part of it, having said that, I'd offer to fly anywhere in the world to see them get married. I think most mums would!

I got married in vegas with just me & DH. My lovely mum was absolutely fine about it & just wanted me to be happy. My stepdad did tell me when we got back that my mum only had an hours sleep the night we got married as she was thinking about me

My mother & father in law though now that's a completely different story, they were & continue to be a nightmare about it & bring it up at every opportunity!

I don't regret my decision to get married alone but then maybe that's because my mum was so understanding if she wasn't it probably would have been a whole different story .

I'd forgive yes, but be absolutely heartbroken.

My DB got married in Oz as part of the holiday of a lifetime. Dad was terminally ill by then, and couldn't have managed to get the 600 yards to the local church. SIL was in the same boat, with the aunt who'd raised her. So they told everybody first, got a semipro crew to shoot the day, and ran off about 2 dozen copies. Wistful joy rather than disappointment.

justforthisthread101

But that's not what she's saying! What she's saying is she doesn't want to put her Dad under pressure to come when he can't afford it and she would miss him if he wasn't there. She absolutely has not said "I don't want my family there."

The OP did say that she'd want just her mum there, but she'd be guilt tripped into having her stepdad, then she couldn't leave her dad out, but he wouldn't be able to afford it and would feel bad. Also if her stepdad was going her siblings would be put out that they weren't invited so it's just a massive stress and not what the OP wants. This is similar to how things would snowball in my family so it's easier to just go away and have a quiet wedding, rather than trying to come up with a workable small guest list.

I'd be upset. Why not tell her? You could ask her to host a party for when you get back and she may then decide not to come?

My mum forgave me! We got married just us and paid for witnesses. We'd been together 10 years and have 2 children and another on the way. She wasn't remotely surprised by it and said although she'd of loved to have been there, she completely gets why we did it that way. My Dad was happy and reckons weddings are a waste of money 😂

OP, if your dream wedding is abroad with people you've already planned to go with, do it. I can't see the logic in people saying you should get married in the UK just to please others when that clearly isn't the day you want!

I adore my mum, we're really close and have a great relationship. But if I wanted to get married abroad with just friends it wouldn't even cross my mind that it would be an issue, my mum would absolutely support me in having the day I wanted. But neither her nor I are bothered by weddings or tradition. I'd find it really odd if she felt some kind of entitlement over my life in the way that many posters' mothers seem to on here.

Only you know your Mum and how she's likely to react. Might your Dad/step-dad have feelings on the subject too?

Just on the point of 'a big party once the kids have arrived' -a gathering like this isn't recommended for newly placed children. It was two years before my adopted daughter was able to cope with even a simple and small, very low key birthday party. Just thought that might help you to plan things a bit!

I'm sorry all the replies weren't what you wanted, but they're truthful.

I hope I wouldn't guilt-trip you but if I wasn't invited but your sibling was then I would be very, very hurt. And then both of you to keep it from me...

Think 20 years into the future. Would you not be upset?