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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my mum will forgive me?

260 replies

McGertie · 20/09/2017 14:44

For eloping abroad without telling her?

Background is been together 10 years, engaged for three. About to adopt (almost finished process) and always said we'd wait til kids were here for wedding. But now that it's come round we just want to be married. Have booked wedding abroad just us & 4 guests (who we're going on this holiday anyway already).

Can't tell my mum as she'll want to come which means DPs dad will want to, id have to invite my dad (knowing he couldn't come) as well as extended family etc. Suddenly turns into this big who-ha we don't want & cant afford. But I feel AWFUL for not telling my mum...

Would you forgive your daughter & understand or would you just be hurt?

OP posts:
InDubiousBattle · 20/09/2017 17:13

Bloody hell not one of those AIBU!

Op- AIBU
Mn- A thousand times yes. And you'll break your mother's heart
Op- you lot are bat crap.

And this time followed by a Flounce!

2017SoFarSoGood · 20/09/2017 17:14

It is totally up to you OP but I will tell you I learned of the DSis's wedding after the fact. Happened when abroad, with one other couple. It totally broke my heart. I would have done anything to be there, watching her marry the love of her life. Anything. I cried then and still well up at the memory, several years after.

AppalachianWalzing · 20/09/2017 17:15

Don't underestimate the devastation this will cause.

To the other siblings, the other friends and definitely to your mother.

My friend nearly did this- for her it was a visa wedding, in that they wouldn't have married when they did but they had a job offer abroad that required them to be married. She was going to do it a bit like you, two friends who happened to be local as witnesses, but had a wobble and invited parents, siblings, one close friend each and the original two witnesses- 15 people who saw the vows and went to the pub after.

My friend loved the day, and is really glad she invited the people she did- I wasn't allowed being my now-husband, who was friends with her in his own right, so they really did keep the numbers small, which actually meant nobody was offended. Everything was v low key and meaningful.

Despite this, Her mother still hasn't fully recovered from only getting two weeks notice, and was quite upset that it was clear they were going to go ahead without them being there or telling them. I know that even now, years later, she sometimes brings up with my friend that she's worried they did something wrong, or something my friend hasn't told them about, that she would plan to marry without wanting them there.

they kept the witnesses as being the local Ines they'd asked, and definitely didn't have bridesmaids/groomsmen, but the registrar referred to the female witness as the 'bridesmaid' and it did hurt- we were always meant to be each other's bridesmaids, and she was mine a few years later. Ive never mentioned it to her but if you do have friends closer than the ones who will be there, while they may not say anything, they may inwardly feel hurt these friends were included, regardless of circumstance.

I think the issue is: you say you don't want a fuss, but you're potentially setting up years of hurt and resentment among the people you love. We got married for us- legal reasons, and because we loved each other and after years together wanted to start a family. We had a wedding for our families- our priority was basically letting people who love us know that we see them as part of the new family we're forming. Im aware weddings can be a production, but the nicest ones I've been to were small, cheap and didn't buy into any of the usual rubbish- they were celebrations of the couple and a message from them inviting those there into the next chapter of their lives.

Think hard about the message you're sending. It's very difficult to take it back afterwards.

2017SoFarSoGood · 20/09/2017 17:15

Did not make it clear - respect her choice to marry abroad - totally okay with that. To have one other couple there? That's the killer. Who. Not how many.

McGertie · 20/09/2017 17:16

Indubious u sucked me back in. I just think some of the responses have been a bit extreme tbh. I know my DP will be hurt, there's no way round that if we're going to do this, but to suggest it'll ruin our relationship forever / prevent her from bonding with grandchildren etc etc just crazy. Hence the bat shit comment.

There's been some helpful advice on here from posters who I feel seem more like my mum or me for which I'm appreciative.

OP posts:
McGertie · 20/09/2017 17:18

DM not DP will be hurt!

OP posts:
AppalachianWalzing · 20/09/2017 17:19

Oh, and you would never have guessed my friends mother would have been upset. She prided herself on her daughter being independent, often spoke about how she hated her own wedding day. The fact she nearly didn't see her own daughters wedding seemed to make her re-evaluate her whole parenting approach. People react v differently, but don't assume because you know your mum you know how she'll react to this. Weddings really do bring out fixed deeply held ideas.

Pibplob · 20/09/2017 17:20

I would be very upset not to see my daughter get married.

justforthisthread101 · 20/09/2017 17:20

I've just sat here ballin my eyes out over some of these responses. Guess I deserve that.

Not looking for sympathy at all, are you!?

Of course you are.

Well, sorry you didn't get the answer you wanted, even though it's quite clear that you don't think your Mum would give you that answer either.

deadringer · 20/09/2017 17:22

I would be a bit hurt if my dd didn't tell me but I would get over it. I wouldn't insist on going to the wedding though, if she eloped I would be delighted tbh.

Cailleach666 · 20/09/2017 17:23

*Don't underestimate the devastation this will cause.

To the other siblings, the other friends and definitely to your mother.*

I learned of the DSis's wedding after the fact. Happened when abroad, with one other couple. It totally broke my heart. I would have done anything to be there, watching her marry the love of her life. Anything. I cried then and still well up at the memory, several years after.

I'm sorry but this is bat shit.

Some people may be upset, but others won't be fussed.
Only you know OP.

I wouldn't be upset if my own kids did this.
OH and I are planning to do the same thing next year.
My parents did not attend my wedding nor my sister's wedding. I didn't go to hers, she didn't come to mine.
We are all still good friends.

Some families don't make a big deal out of weddings.

Abra1d · 20/09/2017 17:23

My friend's daughter did this and my friend was hurt although she hid it from her daughter and threw her a small party.

ragdoll700 · 20/09/2017 17:25

I've dropped a few hints to my mum that I may just turn up married one day because this is what we plan to do we are together almost 11 years and have two children and cannot afford the big wedding nor do we want it I might add, he already did the big wedding and I really don't want one even if we could afford it I think I'd just go with a more lavish elopment. My mum will be fine about it delighted in fact that I have done what I wanted.

HoorayForBoobies · 20/09/2017 17:25

In the knowledge that most flouncers can't help coming back to read replies...

You've been together TEN YEARS so why the rush now? Why does it have to be done on this holiday? It doesn't. You are deliberately choosing to exclude your mum. I think it's really cruel and maybe one day you'll look at your own kids and understand why this is so hurtful and feel a bit ashamed. You can be rude and call me 'batshit' or whatever but honestly my heart aches for your poor mum.

HolidayTimeAgain · 20/09/2017 17:29

My brother and sil were planning a wedding that was spiralling out of control and not at all what they wanted. They decided to go away and get married abroad just the two of them - we all wished them well. No drama, no big family fall out. We waited to see their wedding pic on facebook - they had two friends living in the same country who met up with them to be witnesses and have dinner. It was lovely.

I think you have had some very harsh responses. Only you know what your relationship with your mother is like. Could you not confide in her before you go and get her to arrange a party for you on your return so that she feels more involved?

HoorayForBoobies · 20/09/2017 17:29

I credit my DM with more sense & level headedness

No you don't - you're not even going to tell her (as you have admitted you're desperate to do) as you are certain she'd insist on coming to the wedding. So it obviously matters a huge amount to her, that you think she'd go abroad at short notice.

And knowing that, not telling her is deliberately cruel.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 20/09/2017 17:30

I know the wedding is about the two of you but I would be really sad to think that the way I'd chosen to handle my wedding had hurt people who love me, when I could have chosen a way that brought them great happiness. I wouldn't be comfortable being so selfish.
I think you need to either have no one there, or if your brother is invited (however inadvertent that was) then parents and your partners siblings should also be invited. Unless you really are so determined to do it in way that is likely to cause hurt/upset.

danslenoir · 20/09/2017 17:34

Depends what kind of relationship you have with your mum.

My mum is an utter narcissist. I told her DH and I were getting married at the local town hall on X date and would she like to fly over (she lives abroad) for it. She said no, but also how could I do this to her, all a mother wants in life is to see her daughter get married and I took that away from her and I'm such a horrible selfish daughter. So yes, it became all about her.

Ended up getting married in the Town Hall, just me, DH, and two friends as witnesses. BLISS!

2017SoFarSoGood · 20/09/2017 17:38

Cailleach666 - this is batshit

Really? It sometimes does boil down to the moment in time, I think. I have siblings whose wedding I did not attend. Obviously there is backstory to this that I shall not share, but heyho, guess you must know better and the OP would be better placed heeding you.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 20/09/2017 17:45

I don't really understand these responses. Confused

I have a tricky family too and all I'd want is to quietly get married to my currently non existent DP without it turning into a ball of string that you invite one person and it unravels into a giant circus.

If you want to get married, you should do it. It's your wedding and you know your family best. Don't compromise the wedding you want for the sake of avoiding a guilt trip.

Congratulations on your adoption Flowers

BigDamnHero · 20/09/2017 17:46

Meh, I don't think I'd be that fussed. Maybe I'll feel differently when my kids are older but I doubt it.

Then again, I'm not big on weddings and all the stress that surrounds them. My brother recently got married and it was lovely and he and my SIL had put loads of thought into making it a great day for their guests. However, if they'd eloped I'd have been just as happy for them.

I think I joked about eloping a couple of times and my mum told me if I wanted to that was absolutely fine (I suspect she has similar views on weddings to me, though).

We didn't elope because DH's brother had already got married in secret so DH didn't dare do that to his parents. We did have a very small wedding, though, with only about 13 guests.

It's your wedding. The most important people are you and your DP.

Justdontknow4321 · 20/09/2017 17:48

If my daughter went and got married and didn't even tell me I'd be crushed.

You also going to have your brother witness it ? But not even tell your mum which I think is massively shitty. All or nothing not just a couple of family members.

It's not your mums fault your dad can't afford it. She's getting excluded for something she can't control.

TidyDancer · 20/09/2017 17:49

I think eloping is hurtful in itself for some people but how you're going about it here possibly has an extra sting in it.

It doesn't matter that your guests would be going on the holiday anyway, what matters is that they are there and who they are will very likely hurt your mum's feelings. You can justify all you want but it will seem like a snub.

And if this happened to me yes I would be devastated. I would get over it in time but I would be very hurt. I would never do this to my mum.

ALittleMop · 20/09/2017 17:50

My mum would have been dreadfully hurt. She'd soldier on but be gutted.

Why not have a quick simple classy registry office wedding with both sets of DPs and these 4 friends and then go for a lovely meal. Wear lovely clothes, have some flowers, not expensive cost less than your holiday abroad, and could be done before you go, make the holiday your honeymoon.

NoFucksImAQueen · 20/09/2017 17:51

My daughter is only 1 but honestly I think I'd be upset purely for the fact you are having guests. They may have been going anyway but they are still going to attending your wedding

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