To be pissed off with marrieds who don't work complaining they are tired?!

[sloeginforever]

I know everything is relative and everyone has their own problems...but I am sick of hearing mums of school age children, who have partners, who don't work, complaining they are tired and have so much to do!

I am a single mum, I work full time. I get up at 5:30, deliver three children to different schools about ten miles in total, then drive to work, work a full day, collect same children, go home, cook everyday, clean the house, wash all the clothes.

I've got one friend in particular who is a stay at home mum. She texts me all day moaning about how tired she is, since they went back to school there is just so much to do, and getting it all clean before they get home is soooo hard. She's so stressed by it all. Her husband works, takes the children to school, cooks...

I have absolutely no issues with life choices as a stay at home mum. I'm not jealous and I don't have issues with them not being in full time work or anything. But just stop telling me how hard your bloody life is!!

And don't even start me on the married, childless woman at work who just got a dog and is soooo exhausted.

Rant over.

Per se even

Context is everything.

To those saying she may have a hidden illness ... if that were the case why not tell your friend who is clearly very busy and tired, Why complain to them without the full story? I find that weird and unlikely!.

Anna. You clearly don't get what it is to have a chronic hidden illness. It creeps up on you. I didn't know how ill I was until I started collapsing in the rubble when we were having our house remodelled. I knew I was incrdibly tired in pregnancy and post partum. I slept when the baby slept. When the baby got to almost 3, she stopped sleeping and that was when my ME/CFS became apparent.

To the poster, who said they were always tired, it is possible you have much milder chronic fatigue than me. I got diagnosed privately as I was too ill to continue the barage of NHS tests and appointments.

Why is it a competition? It's fine to say you feel tired even if you don't have kids or don't work. I remember feeling tired before I had kids and before I had a proper job. People with pets to look after can feel tired. Getting up early with pets, taking them for long walks, training them, all of that can lead to tiredness too. Perhaps she is sounding off because she considers you a friend and confidante. Would you prefer it if your friends trod on eggshells around you?

Yanbu Op - shit expands to fill the space provided, to put it crudely

Smug married and fat arse

Yep, I'm guilty as charged. I'm also tired because my husband's snoring wound me up AGAIN last night. Just like the night before. So I decamped to the spare room and started the fall asleep process all over again.

First job, lay there until the adrenaline leaves my body. This takes an hour. Or more because I'm wound up over being wound up.

Then fall asleep feeling aggrieved that I'm in the spare room yet again. By now it will easily be 1am.

Wake up with stiff neck because the spare bed isn't as good as our bed.

Wake up around 4am and crawl back into our bed because by now he should have stopped snoring and I want to be in our warm comfy bed.

Get back to sleep or not get back to sleep. Feel wound up by this. THE EFFECT IS CUMULATIVE.

Oh, and today I start the job search treadmill. No doubt I'll be tired tonight though. Yeah, that's right. So my husband falls asleep before me AND STARTS SNORING. And so the process repeats.

Envy my life if you want to. Go, I dare ya.

(Just thought I'd get in on the competitive tiredness that's going on in this thread.)

i would text said friend back and state, if you tired now, try bloody working and looking after children and home.

I think yes and no. You can be pissed off and you can moan about it but honestly everyone has their own problems and you cannot judge until you have lived in someone else's shoes for at least a week. Some people appear to have easy lives (or in fact do) but so what? It doesn't make the reality of your life better or worse.
As a parent I have stayed at home, worked full time and part time. Each has its own set of crap and joys, and I have at times been exhausted and also had it very easy. I am a little pissed off that quite a few women always feel the need to play this competitive martyr game - you work part time and am tired well I work full time and have an evening job or yes you work full time but you have a cleaner and a nanny so I do more than you even though I'm at home. Does it really matter?

I don't see why you speak of her as a friend tbh. I'd feel very hurt if someone I considered a friend was bitching about me on mumsnet.

But of course it's a ridiculous excuse for not texting you, she has plenty of time to text.

Maybe the friendship has run its course? It certainly seems like she's being very selfish and could be offering you more support.

OP - tbh I was very much with you until you referred to "smug marrieds" who are "sitting on their fat arses". Come on!

Ask yourself this - given the choice, would you actually want to be married to your friend's husband? Would you want to be mother to her children? Would you want to BE her? I presume the answer to all the above would be a resounding "No!", in which case, this is a pointless discussion.

You say your friend has the "perfect" marriage and life when the simple fact is, it's only perfect for HER (if it even is "perfect" which I doubt). In any case, it is the particular life she has created.

I am a SAHM and all my DC are in school and I fully admit it's a great life on balance. I have a cleaner twice a week and no money worries. My kids all have their moments, but don't they all? I still have days / weeks when I feel tired though. My DH is very much of the "provider" mentality, yet quite high-maintenance in other ways. For instance, he has just been on a five-day charity expedition which I found quite stressful as it was a dangerous one. Now he's on a "business" car racing event. This is how he carries on - so if I don't have to listen at great length about his hobbies / activities, I have to absorb all his offloading about work-related stress. This has been ongoing for years as he's a workaholic and extremely full-on. So my life may look "perfect" to many, but, if I am absolutely honest, I doubt everyone could cope with my DH.

Also, when he's away, I just give the kids more simple food. There's less shopping, cooking and laundry. When he's around, I need to make more effort and factor him in. On the plus side, I don't have to work and I know he's always there for us, which is why we're still together, but this is not "smug". Relationships are about compromise. How can you possibly compare your life to someone else's?

What's with the constant pissing contest regarding who feels more tired?! Totally irrelevant with everyone having completely different circumstances, health issues, commitments ect.

OP, you really have no idea how 'tired' your friend is. She obviously feels like she can commiserate with you from time to time. For the record, I am not a single mum, but I was raised by one and thoroughly appreciate it is a tough job. That said, my day is far longer than how you have described yours, I also have B12 and have to push past exhaustion regularly.

I wouldn't however suggest I was more 'tired' than anyone else, as it is all relative.

Ive got three kids under 5 and am a sahm. Dd1 has just started reception, dd2 doesn't start her 15 hours at preschool until January and Ds is 7 months. Also have my teenage stepson here 4 nights a week. Yep, I'm exhausted. I don't think yabu though. I find it exhausting as I have to get up around 5.30 to get all the kids ready for the school run (I don't drive so we walk) after the school run we often have a playgroup for the younger 2, then I need to fit in the mountains of housework that comes with three young children, a teen and a dog. All the while keeping the little ones occupied. If all the kids where at school, yeah, I do think things would be pretty easy tbh. I think sometimes people who are moaning about their life a lot are clearly not very happy with it and that's a shame. I find mine tiring but I wouldn't change things

I agree it's about choices. Some people love to complicate their life's and then complain about it being shit.

-lots of children very close in age

• choosing to have yet another child with a partner that's already shown themselves to be useless
• lots of pets
• lots of after school activities for their DC
• private school fees they can't afford

-live in a tiny one bed flat, but choose to have 4 DC

We all make choices!

I have no time for competitive tiredness, either be friends or don't. All this resentment can't be good for your MH.

It's amazing how you can fill your time when you are not working.

I did a stint at being the homemaker and used to spend days cooking meals for my spaniel. Literally days. I found that exhausting!

Worth it though, the dear thing ate better than most humans.

You know you dont have to be friends with these people. Indeed it sounds like you're more frenemies than friend's with all the bitching you've done. You could just text back and say "I'm tired too, maybe theres something going round!" Otherwise you enter into a competitive busy conversation which is so silly. Surround yourself with likeminded people, if you feel you are a hardworking single mum, then make friends that are like you and know where you are coming from. Your married friends are not going to throw you a pity party and by wallowing/ranting you are only making yourself feel bad.

Of course yanbu

Your life is much harder by any measure.

The trouble is it's the fashion these days to be super busy and really tired. Everyone says they are no matter what they actually do.

You also don't know what goes on behind closed doors. A nightmare partner, a child with special needs, anxiety issues, elderly relatives, disabled siblings - none of them are more difficult than leaving a job to go home. I think you are being a bit mean.

If you want people to see how terribly busy you are post it on social media. These other busy people may feel the need to justify themselves to those who judge!

They key point you've made is that it is indeed all relative. If I had to do everything you did in one day after a week I would be sick with exhaustion. With just one baby and anxiety I find doing the supermarket shop exhausting! Your friend is probably genuinely tired. But as are you.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Your 'friend' aside, you can't possibly know what is happening in every other persons life.
There are probably a fair few unmarried/married folk out there with no kids at all/with kids for instance who work full time and have an incredibly exhausting time looking after elderly parents. It's more common than you think and can be all consuming and very, very tiring. They may not advertise the fact either.
I worked with a lady in her 40's who worked full time, was single and had no children (and often picked up the slack from parents who needed to leave early for childcare related issues). What most of the office were unaware of was that she then went to her elderly mums house after work and cared for her all night (sleeping in an armchair) and every weekend. Her mum lived an hour away so a drive was involved both ways.
She was totally wiped out for most of the time. She did this for 7 years until her mum died.

I suspect your friend is feeling a bit lonely and worthless stuck in the house doing unskilled labour, and so she is reaching out to you to try and convince her own self that she is relevant and important. Our modern society places a lot of value on being busy and having people depend on us, and so I suspect she is feeling a bit shut away. It is still ludicrously self indulgent to play this game with you knowing that you are clearly more busy and have more to do than her, but she is probably lobbying to convince you she isn't a lazy nobody. I know what you do is knackering but I would rather be knackered and have a job than feel irrelevant as a SAHM (as she seems to).

Have you tried subtly ignoring her texts until the end of the day and then changing the subject?

Haven't read past page 1 but I'm a sahm and my children are both at school and I am always exhausted. I'm running around getting the kids ready for school then school runs and cleaning, washing, shopping, food prep, homework, clubs and activities.

I have an interview next month and just said to my husband last night that I don't know how I will manage being. Even more tired and having to do all shopping and cleaning etc in the evenings. It seems crazy but I will hopefully find out next month!

I agree that there could be stuff going on that you don't know about.
On the face of it I live the life of Riley.
Youngest has just started school full-time and I frequently get asked what are you going to do now all kids are at school?
Well I am shattered so catching up on rest but no I wouldn't announce this to a friend by text.
I have a dh who works but that is all he does due to illness. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in years due to night feeding the youngest who thankfully no longer wakes.
Now I have health issues which I don't really discuss with anyone but suffice to say I struggle to sleep.
I also have 3 kids at 3 different schools. Two of them have hidden continence issues and one another long term issue.
I work very part time and study.
So on the face of it by life is a ball but it really isn't.

I can understand that there would be circumstances in which a SAHM with school-age kids would be tired (if kids are shit sleepers, you have elderly relatives you care for whilst kids are at school etc). But it sounds like your friend is being pretty insensitive complaining about how tired she is to you when you clearly have a lot on your plate. I'd just stop responding to the comments on how tired she is.

YANBU at all. I am SAHM and get tired. Often, I know its because I am bored NOT tired, but its not OK to say you are bored but it is OK to say you are tired, which is a bit stupid. Not fair to dump on friends though. Get new friends or take to drink or cake like the rest of us (although that is properly tiring and doesn't help with all the things you have to do). Keep on muddling on ...