New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

[Rejectedwoman]

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

Oh I had one like this aged 51. Turned out he had nothing in his life apart from work and adult children who he didn't see much so all his attention was on me. He was a shift worker and on his days off he would drive around aimlessly waiting for me to finish work. If I was doing something with friends he would text me saying he was in the area sounding all forlorn and making me feel guilty for not spending time with him. It ended badly.

Sorry alarm bells for me op.

I think the bottom line here is that he makes you feel uncomfortable. You don't need any more reason than that to call things off. It's ok to say no!

I honestly can't understand reading all this why you would continue seeing him. You sound a bit vulnerable and you're in dangerous territory.

He's controlling, needy and has made you feel uncomfortable. You're negotiating with him to behave better essentially. At best you're considering just being friends.

Why? Several people have said this is how their abusive dps started off. Mine did too and 2 years on is still popping up to harrass me every now and again despite me blocking him every which way I can.

It's very dangerous what you're doing because by trying to put in some boundaries, you get a feeling of being assertive and in control. You aren't. He'll adapt for a little and those more annoying aspects might lie low. But you'll invest more time and energy in this and over time those behaviours will be back. A sorted 50 something guy has enough of a life that they don't need constant contact.

He is not worth the risk. Surely even friendship is unattractive with someone so clingy?

Have some time on your own and enjoy your own company.

I went on a date with someone like this a couple weeks ago, he seemed lovely but after our date he kept messaging me non stop begging me to message him back, telling me how much he loved chatting to me and planing outperform future. This was a huge red flag for me after my last relationship (see post above), I decided to tell him that I didn't feel a spark but I was happy to be friends, this was a huge mistake, the messages continued and when I didn't answer he would try and make me feel guilty by telling me how he had no one else to talk too. He then kept on about meeting up and telling me how I would change my mind if I got to know him better. He spoke to me as if we had known each other for years (creepy). In the end I sent him a message telling him he was way too pushy and I didn't want any kind of relationship with him, I then blocked him.

This guy is 51, he's old enough to know better, he's playing a game with you, making you feel guilty for not responding to him, making you feel sorry for him. You owe him nothing, tell him to back off and then block him. Seriously this is likely to end badly if you continue. Listen to the wisdom of MN.

I thought at the time your text message was quite weak (sorry)

Its not ever a good idea (as a pp said) to put "excuses on a plate" for people. Giving a multiple choice to people of why they are behaving in such a way - when it might not be any of them and who's going to admit to that either - does make you appear vulnerable somehow.

Rejected, why do you feel like the best you deserve is a relationship you have to talk yourself into? You deserve so much more than this.

Read your title back to yourself op

That tells you everything you are questioning yourself

Of course being in a relationship will bring up questions but you are not in a relationship and you are asking are you being silly

No you are not you are acknowledging that something is making you uneasy and trying to find the answer and that answer will keep shifting (and already has) that really is all you need to listen to that message the uneasy feeling and if you get that move on best not to stay as friends he is alrwady manipulating you

After a few dates you should be feeling great, excited, giddy with lust not anxious and having these long drawn out text conversations about boundaries, being told how to make him happy and being questioned as to why you are not doing so this has nothing to do with him only having four relationships it's to do with him be manipulative

op there is someone out there that will make you feel that way and there is no reason why that can't be a really nice great guy

He doesn't get you, and you (quite fairly) don't get him.

Square peg, round hole.

Op you are a two dimensional mirror to him, he will never see you as you.

You will become his vessel to pour his personality into, he will react badly if you deviate from his expectations.

As his mirror vessel he will seek to control you as you are an object that he will try to create.

To him You are simply not a person in your own right, you are his and not in a nice way of being partners, he is not going to change.

Why are you contemplating further relationship exploration with him?

I agree you gave him the script and didn't allow him to show you his true self in seeing how he took your text

It should have been, I'm not happy with the sex talk, it's not me and although we have discussed it, it's a concern.

Added to this you send me a message saying 'Oi, you were on FB before texting me' Policing my phone use, or managing how I spend my free time is not on.

You utterly wimped out and are clamouring for the next date when actually everything you are talking about here is demanding that you stop for a second and smell the roses. Gather yourself and work out what you really feel about the way this is headed.

This relationship is a dead duck. Sorry.

Oh and absolutely the mutual friends thing? counts for NOTHING!!

every single victim of abuse who has ever walked will tell you that 'all their friends thought they were amazing'

You are going to have trouble with this guy.

This is so similar to how an emotionally abusive ex of mine started out. It was utter love-bombing, texts throughout the day when I was at work and follow-up texts of "why no reply?", "something's wrong", "what's up?" when I didn't reply instantly. He demanded constant attention and it was so overwhelming I couldn't see the wood for the trees and tell him to fuck off. He was significantly older than me too and I was a bit clueless and for a variety of reasons had not had a relationship/date for quite some time so I was flattered by the attention.

This will escalate, believe me. Soon he will ruin any nights out you have without him, he'll be texting constantly, might just happen to be passing the pub and drop in etc. Then he won't want you going out with your friends, he'll say that male friends will always have ulterior motives and that female friends will either be on the pull themselves and thus a bad influence, or that a group of women will inevitably attract male attention. He'll make it so bloody unpleasant for you to have a night out without him that you just don't bother.

And what's this 'I'm happy as long as you're happy' shit? Has he no sense of self or self-worth? That is utter bollocks coming from anyone. He should not depend on anyone for his own happiness, much less someone he hardly knows.

This guy is telling and showing you who he is, op. The alarm bells and red flags are plentiful. Heed them.

Absolutely agree with PP about the mutual friends thing being no guarantee. Plenty of abusive men are experts at convincing others of their "niceness".

By saying he thought you found it funny, he is saying that it is your fualt he made you feel uncomfortable.

Please trust your gut feeling....and get out of this relationship...it is not going to get any better. He sounds controlling and manipulative, don't invest any more emotional energy in this man. Life is too short.

Well it's def not C.

It's C.

I personally did not see anything wrong with the reply, though there should have been an apology from him. The rest of his behaviour would be far too much for me, especially him expecting communication back on that level. Mabey if he behaves now, he might try the same stunts again later on. If you have only been on a few dates, and its causing you this much hassle, than call it a day, and tell him its not working for you, sorry. You don't even have to be friends with him.

It sounds as though he is moving from 0 to 60 in a few seconds flat, whilst you are getting to know him and suss him out. Tbh I would not be happy with how he is behaving and would definitely pull righ,t back or end it.

I see you having to manage his behaviour and that is not good, especially so early on.

Agree with Aeroflotgirl it is exhausting managing someone else's behaviour. Sometimes we have to do it with family members or acquaintances ( i'm talking low level stuff here ) but with a partner? No OP I wouldn't.

Rejected reading your posts has made me go cold. I am working through something quite traumatic at the moment, had a tough time because of someone similar, and everything you have posted that he has said and done, is ringing alarm bells off the scale here.

I don't really want to share online for various reasons, but please feel free to pm me if you like.

Some people may just say that I am so untrusting and wary of everyone now, but I rather someone think I am rude and off than go through being manipulated, abused and victimised again. You seem vulnerable due to your separation and recent break up, some people feed on this. If alarm bells are ringing now..... please please take note of them. They are ringing for a reason.

I have randomly had a message from him this morning saying he spent last night think about what I said to him and he is sorry for making me uncomfortable and in future he will take into account the fact I have a home and family to run as well as my own life and not add to that pressure by expecting to me always be available. And he realises his comments were inappropriate and he shouldn't have made them. I Am going to scale contact right back and watch and wait. Not convinced this situation is right. I will be watching for his reaction and responses when we are out for the day Saturday and I am away from him speaking with other people and so on. This will be the clearest indicator I think. Thanks for everyone's replies. Xx

Your gut is telling you that you're uncomfortable with his behaviour and you must listen to your instinct. He is being WAY too full on so early on. I too am married to one of the good guys as people upthread have said, but I'd still be perturbed by his actions.

Re the text you sent, it was extremely well written, but on reflection perhaps he was never going to admit to being insecure or needy, and was always going to say it was all an innocent joke to save face and salvage the situation? I can't see how anyone would admit to being controlling and insecure.

It all sounds negative imo and I'd walk away. Someone shouldn't make you feel like this only a couple of dates in.

why on earth are you going on a date when you are sitting there watching how he reacts to questions

You really shouldn't be even thinking this way

If you don't think this situation is right, end it!

OP: in all he said it was quite telling there was no sorry I have made you uncomfortable that wasn't my intention from him

Bingo.

That was what I was looking for and that was what was missing. He either does not get it or he does not want to. Either way, it is not good. He does not HEAR you, the flesh and blood you with your own personality and wants and desires, as opposed to someone to project onto or worse, control. It is like someone who does not take no for an answer. The lack of respect for your boundaries. Those are all red flags.

I am also not a fan of your last email with 3 reasons. Why give him a roadmap to your thoughts? If he was manipulative, you have given him the blueprint to your mind. But you have and even whilst he is trying his best to bring you over to his side, he still does not say the one thing that you want to hear. This is bad.