Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Sallystyle · 19/09/2017 06:14

OP, what are you doing?

It should not be this difficult so early on. It's bullshit that the FB message was tongue in cheek. He is covering up. No one in their right mind would make that comment as a joke. He wasn't joking, the thought clearly crossed his mind that you should not have gone on FB before messaging him. He has shown you what he is already. Im sure he will be fine now, for a while, but it will come back out again.

This isn't going to end well for you. A decent non controlling man would not need it pointing out to him that he is acting shitty. He just wouldn't do it in the first place.

Gently, you are being a fool Thanks Don't see how it goes. It's not worth it. Find someone who isn't controlling instead of trying to teach this one how to behave. Your text isn't going to change it long term.

Sallystyle · 19/09/2017 06:18

See how it goes op, if it starts again, than end it.

Assuming he doesn't start later on down the line when OP has been with him for a while. It will be much harder to leave him further down the line, especially if she makes a commitment to him.

A good rule of thumb is that if you have to teach someone you have only dated a few times how to behave and not be controlling then they aren't worth your time.

Runningyogabooze · 19/09/2017 06:24

Sounds a bit much tbh.

I'd watch out. You're vulnerable and it sounds like he knows that.

pictish · 19/09/2017 06:45

I agree that he sounds needy, overbearing and annoying and that your instincts are serving you well here. Who would say, "Oi - you went on facebook before you messaged me." for any reason except to dominate? It's not messing about and it's not a joke, there's no humour in that - he sent that message because he meant it. "I'm your priority now."

Whoever said, "My dh says women are never happy" or whatever bullshit it was...no one cares what your dh thinks and he's wrong anyway. Being wary of an intense man who is making you feel uncomfortable is nothing to do with being hard to please, it's about having the autonomy to make your own mind up about people. OP doesn't like how he's going about things and she's not obliged to be flattered by gifts, constant attention and demands on her time after five weeks and a handful of dates. Not every woman is desperate for a man you know!

keeponworking · 19/09/2017 06:46

OP you're already being sucked in to the (what will be an ever ongoing saga) of trying to figure him out, trying to explain to him why what he's said was wrong, trying to get him to understand).

I can tell you now. You're. Wasting. Your. Time.

Couple of years if you were still with him? You'll be trying to justify that you weren't giving some bloke the eye in the pub whilst he physically intimidates you in the kitchen. Or you'll be out shopping with him and he'll make sexually inappropriate suggestions or touch you sexually and you'll let it go so as not to make a scene.

Seriously, ALL his responses are about one person - who? HIM. Not you. It's how he feels (apparently, even now, YOU'RE responsible for his feelings), what he wants, how you should accept the way he communicates - you are actually just wasting time and emotional energy on this hideous man who has abuser written all over them. For your own sake OP those of us who've been in this situation, bin him off NOW - before he weedles his way into your life and you then have a life of constantly trying to please him, anticipate what he wants, meet HIS needs, whilst you turn into a downbeaten shadow.

Overly dramatic? No. Sadly, reality. He's love bombing you and starting the cycle of abuse: manipulation/put you off kilter, be really nice, manipulation/put you off kilter, be very nice, manipulation/put you off kilter, be very nice..... and repeat.

StevieNicksMirage · 19/09/2017 06:56

How old is he?

Youcanstayundermyumbrella · 19/09/2017 07:01

OP, I like nice men. My DH is very nice, sometimes even too nice (over ten years in). But in a 'whatever you want' way that drives me mad when I'd like a decision rather than anything more sinister.

But this man is not being very nice to you. As many have already said, it's not about what he's doing but how you're feeling about it that matters. Especially coming from what was clearly a traumatic previous relationship, I worry that you feel you should be grateful for the sort of attention that you actually dislike, regardless of his intentions.

I get that it might feel like things so far have been too minor to end it, and you want to give it a chance after your text, but please ultimately think that what you deserve isn't someone who wants to dictate how you feel but someone who makes you feel good without trying.

VanillaSugar · 19/09/2017 07:06

"IF" we like a other we'll see each other again......

He's putting the element of doubt in your head. He's making you think that he may dump you so that you feel insecure and want him.

I had a brief relationship with a guy like this when I was coming out of an abusive relationship. At first you like the cottonwool attention but it gets boring after a while. I dumped the fuy and he cried on the phone for an hour.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 19/09/2017 07:16

StevieNicks- He is 51

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 19/09/2017 07:21

Same age as my own Wuss Boy.... does he sound a bit like Sean Connery?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/09/2017 07:29

51!!!!! Sounds very childish for a man that age, thought he was a lot younger.

Joey7t8 · 19/09/2017 07:31

This clingy OTT stuff is all very typical 'nice guy' behaviour. In his head, he's expecting a reward for all the gifts and compliments he's showering you with: reciprocal love and sex.

From what you write, it doesn't really sound like you fancy him that much anyway, to be honest. I'd end it right now, it's already sounding he starts getting angry that you're not keeping your side of the contract that he has in his head.

I'd say it's quite a good thing that you live 50 miles away.

Ellisandra · 19/09/2017 07:40

Go read his reply again.
Look for the apology for making you feel uncomfortable.
You won't find it.

He sounds fucking awful.

fedupandnogin · 19/09/2017 07:45

I was with someone like this. He was over 60!

Ellisandra · 19/09/2017 07:46

Your message to him has told him that even though you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour, you're prepared to put up with it. There are loads of women that would have just ended it. Be very careful that you have already told him that yes, you're prepared to still date him despite this shit.

I am aghast at the number of posters saying this is nice.Confused

His reply to you gave me the shudders. Mind you, I didn't like your "excuses on a plate" message to him, sorry. Now he knows he can dump his shit on you then claim "only joking babes, where's your sense of humour?"

flippinada · 19/09/2017 07:51

He sounds awful. Childish and unpleasant.

Look, aside from anything else, you've only been on two dates. You don't owe him anything! At this stage, it should be fun and lovely - not angsty and hard work. And you certainly shouldn't need to be setting boundaries for him FGS.

It's up to you of course but please listen to what people are saying and take it on board.

ferrier · 19/09/2017 08:07

Fwiw I'd go much more by what he's like in person than how he comes across in writing. It is really difficult to banter in writing.
I would have liked an apology but I wouldn't read a huge amount into a lack of one if when you meet up he still floats your boat.
I would still be very wary though and certainly wouldn't be giving out an address yet.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/09/2017 08:10

Your message to him has told him that even though you feel uncomfortable with his behaviour, you're prepared to put up with it.

^ this.

Why?
Sounds like you are letting him condition you. He will just find new ways, or tone it down but still be the same.

Whatever gave him the idea that coming across like a stalking needy bunny boiler was a good idea for "messing about" ?

He blames his behaviour on you! Saying you have behaved in ways or said things that made him think you liked that side of him.

Seriously, you dont need to date. And you dont need to date THIS man, surely?

ijustwantfiveminutespeace · 19/09/2017 08:21

Enjoy the attention just be wary and see how it goes. Not all 'nice' guys are fruit loops.
You are used to someone being horrible to you, so this is all alien to you. There are nice genuine caring guys out there.
Ask your friends who know him what they think!
Good luck x

corythatwas · 19/09/2017 08:31

invisiblecats Mon 18-Sep-17 21:48:36
"This is all part of getting to know more about each other.

Still telling you what to think."

This is precisely what I was thinking. He deals with you having a different opinion by writing it into his narrative of your being a couple with a future.

But you've only met the man 4 times! It is far too early for him to make any assumptions about the two of you at all: you still are (or should be) in the process of making your mind up about you and whether it goes any further is your call as much as his. What he is trying to insinuate here is that there is no making-minds up about it, because this is going to happen, inevitably. No inevitable about it, you scarcely know the man, you owe him nothing.

SweetLuck · 19/09/2017 08:52

It would be perfectly fine to text him 'I have been thinking about it, and our senses of humour are just too different for us to be compatible'

I know you said in your text or email that you could handle A or B, but it is fine to change your mind. You don't need a reason to finish with someone other than not wanting to see them anymore.

Original poster
Rejectedwoman · 19/09/2017 09:07

Been reading all replies. In fact I have read them all several times. Seriously thinking about telling him it's too soon for me and I would rather keep it as a friendship . I know you will all say I don't even need to tell him that but I don't think anyone finds it particularly nice to be ghosted and no reason be given. I have definitely taken a step back in my communication with him. May equally keep it that way and see if he backs off, keeps the same intensity or becomes even more clingy. This will give me a little more insight too. Definitely not dismissing all that has been said here. It's been a great help. Some of the posts I have found myself nodding too thinking oh yes I did.notice that or no I hadn't reconsidered that.

He talks openly about his friends, family, job, his daughter. Anything I have asked him he has quite willingly discussed with me although I am fully aware it could all be complete rubbish or at the very least his take on things . Same goes for any of us in life. But what I am saying is he SEEMS quite an open book . Take a step back and watch and wait possibly. At some point when I have a conversation with him I may raise the point that in all he said it was quite telling there was no sorry I have made you uncomfortable that wasn't my intention from him. I do wonder if he's just a bit clumsy / awkward around women. He said he's only had about 4 relationships in his life. Again this could be rubbish and the key is why they ended. He said the first one they were late teens and grew apart . Two others cheated on him including mother of his child. Last one she was separating and they had a joint account where they were both putting money away to buy somewhere together and in the end she decided to give her marriage another go as she had kids with the guy. Anyway, lots to think about.

OP posts:
paddlenorapaddle · 19/09/2017 09:08

Read the book the gift of fear gavin de beer then tell us what you think no relationship should make you feel uncomfortable. I personally read this as you know this niceness is a facade and it's unnerving you years of being with an alcoholic may have conditioned you to constantly question yourself but you're hear alarm bells for a reason

LittleWingSoul · 19/09/2017 09:11

He was never going to admit to either B or C though was he, which is why he defended how hilarious option A was and how silly you are for not getting his brilliant sense of humour.

I think if you liked him enough you wouldn't need to ask MN for help, and least of all a blow by blow account of messages. And actually, you wouldn't have even had to lay anything on the line for him either.

He sounds like a total creep.

You are worth so much more than this OP!

Odoreida · 19/09/2017 09:17

Whatever someone said about not being able to trust mutual friends is also a good point. There's a guy in my wider circle of friends who people have known since university. Because people like him and enjoy his company, he is forever being set up with women whom he bombards with love, restaurants, cooking and extravagant public facebook compliments. He is totally unsuited to being in a relationship at the moment (he admits his mental problems) and the relationships always break down dramatically, with the woman suffering. It's not about him meeting 'the right woman', it's about him dealing with his own social and mental problems first.

OP, I also agree that this man does not seem to be your intellectual/social equal from what you've written here and what you've transcribed from his messages. I would slip silently away.