New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

[Rejectedwoman]

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP, I just saw your update when he apologises for making your uncomfortable and validates your feelings.

You say he is 51. Does he have any health problems?

Op, he is too over invested too quickly. That's why you're uncomfortable. Of course he was going to say it was a/ he was never going to say b and defintetly never ever c. He shouldn't have sent that text this morning.

The answer is it is c. And I think you know that.💐

Nope no health problems as far as I am aware. Works, drives, appears physically fit and healthy on the look of things. Not sure why that's relevant

Well, I posted my view that he sounds awful, but as you're planning to meet him again, I'm going to add this, sorry if it's not OK, as it wasn't your original question.

In your OP, you said you'd had a bad experience having sex with your last boyfriend, only to get dumped afterwards. You also said you'd explained this to this bloke and he was understanding about waiting.

Just, if you carry on seeing him... please please please don't share this sort of information.

You barely know him. The only reason you need to give for not having sex after 2 dates is "I don't want to".

If he's a genuinely nice guy, he doesn't need to know why.

If he's not a nice man, you just told that you're vulnerable - and possible told him that you have been prepared to put up with shit before. Have you also mentioned your alcoholic abusive XH?

Your XH and XBF's shitty behaviour was not your fault. But it's a bad idea to share all in early dates - because it will make you look vulnerable - and to the wrong person, potentially easy pickings for more shitty behaviour.

Oh and there's nothing "random" about today's message.

Today is the apology that was missing from yesterday's reply, and the promise to back off - instead of the sly little passive aggressive "my mistake" and in a round about way blaming you for just not getting that it was a joke.

Because he's been thinking about what you said.

No - you told us that you'd backed right off on contact.

This email isn't random at all - this is reeling you in with a different tack because your reduction in contact showed that actually he hadn't got away with his pissy little non apologetic blaming message yesterday

He may or may not be abusive, but he's definitely behaving in very annoying ways!

You don't owe anyone a relationship, whether romantic or friendship.

Have you done the Freedom Programme or work on how to avoid "codependence" OP? If not it might be good.

I will be watching for his reaction and responses when we are out for the day Saturday and I am away from him speaking with other people and so on.

A handful of dates in and you're now taking on the role of forensic psychiatrist. No man is worth this! Why are you so keen to go against your instinct?

Personally, all this would be too suffocating for me but I'm also a very independent person
Me too Expat. It all sounds a bit full on and I can't stand the men with no opinion other than "I'm happy if you're happy". That's a cop out saccharine answer IMHO.

has me as his phone screen saver
Wahhhhh! Oh god no.

would be nice to have a nice message from you waiting for me when I come back to my phone
Fuck off mate.

oi. You went on Facebook before you messaged me
He sounds worse and worse. He has since said his remarks are jokey but don't forget "many a true word said in jest"!

A good rule of thumb is that if you have to teach someone you have only dated a few times how to behave and not be controlling then they aren't worth your time
Totally agree with this U2. It's only been 4 dates FFS!

We often hear how these "nice guys" aren't quite as nice when the woman rejects them. I don't trust these types one bit. When I was 18 (pre internet and texting) I was with a 32 year old who was always "whatever you want I'm happy with" type, who would buy me gifts regularly, but he called me all the names under the sun and caved my car door in with his steel toecaps whilst I was trying to drive away when I ended it with him. Yeah, a real "nice guy"

It seems like you believe you owe him this date. You don't.
You said you would prefer to offer him friendship over nothing, as ghosting isn't nice. But stopping dating someone after two dates wouldn't be ghosting them.
You're being too nice for your own good, it could come across as vulnerability.

I'm getting a vibe (sincere apologies if I've misread) that you somehow feel obliged to give this man a chance to prove himself. You don't! It's only a couple of dates.

If you feel uncomfortable it's fine to say something along the lines "on reflection, I don't think we're well suited but I wish you all the best".

I have a friend who got caught up with a man like this - she felt uncomfortable but wanted to give him a chance. When she decided enough was enough and politely said thanks but no thanks he showed his true colours.

I'm even distancing myself from a mummy mate who is being too needy and clingy with her passive aggressive messages about meeting up...

I don't do guilt trips. I just don't. the minute I see one I call it out for what it is.

Saturday isn't a date as such. Myself him and a big group of people are trtravelling together by train to an event and returning back the same afternoon. Won't say what it is as it will out me. We will be seated together there and back but will be loads of people he knows , I know and we both know. More a day out than a date. Tickets, travel and arrangements are made. Have been for several months before I knew him

I hope you enjoy your day out.

Ah, ok. I can understand why you wouldn't want to cancel in that case but do take care.

Saying "I'm happy if you're happy" is putting his happiness on your shoulders. That's quite a weight to bear.

Yeah he sounds way too needy, and is trying to set up an intimacy that doesn't exist yet.
My bf was quite over exited and full on when I met him , and being a suspicious soul, I kept him at arms length at first. He probably would have bought me perfume after the 2nd date and often turned up with flowers. We texted a lot in the early days amd he called me most nights BUT he never never did the "sad face" PA crap, and if I said "I'm going out" or I'm tired, he would text "ok have fun" or "night night" or whatever and that would be it.
I definitely tested him in the early days and watched for signs of controlling behaviour, just because I have bad experiences from the past.

In this case, this guy is telling you what to do. He is trying to guilt you into messages, and crowding you.
Even if he is not abusive, you two are not compatible. Throw him back.

Gosh, this is all some kind of weird test now, instead of tummy flipping as it should be now.
If you can't see this I'm not sure you're ready for dating.

OP, is there any chance he's read this thread, hence the apology?

@IHaveBrilloHair there's no need to slam a woman because stalking her on line, making demands of her, and attempting to blackmail her emotionally doesn't cause her tummy to flip.

Why do you care? Do you demand that your romantic interests text you while they are at work and send them frowning faces if they don't? Check to see when they were last on Facebook and make judgements about whether that's OK?

There's a big difference between "tummy flipping" as you put it, and a feeling deep in the gut that something is just not right.

Look, love.

As my own therapist told me when I was navigating my way out of soup that was life post abusive relationship, wanting to know if behaviour I saw in potential partners was abusive etc:

"It doesn't have to be 'abusive' for you to find behaviour unacceptable. You can choose not to accept certain behaviour because of how you feel or think."

you are not ready for a relationship just now

He is not compatible with you. at all.

Nothing will change that. he's not the person for you.

Go on the thing on Saturday, but make it clear it's as friends only and that there won't be any relationship going forward

Enioy Saturday op. Hopefully you will get much more clarity from actually seeing him again than from analysing his emails/texts. If things still don't seem quite right then it's easy to end it then.
But if you do still like what you see, then you need to make sure he never steps over your boundaries again - one strike and he's out.

@CoyoteCafe

I think what Brill was saying is that in the early stages of dating, one should feel tummy flipping, not be setting the guy up for weird tests

NOT that the stalking behaviour should cause the tummy flipping

As Ellisandra said, this is just 'the cycle of abuse'.

You MUST realise, he's not beginning to understand you! He's drawing away (temporarily) from the whining cloying needy behaviour and going over (temporarily) to gosh yes I see you're right look how decent and understanding I'm being. He ISN'T.

It's JUST part of the cycle. Please trust this is true - the moments where you start to think 'oh he's got it' or 'that was reasonable' it's like when you see people fishing, he reels you in a little bit more, then plays you on the line, then reels you in just a little bit more - please DON'T confuse his suddenly being 'understanding' of your point of view as him changing and 'getting it'. He will NEVER get it, he will always be a risky person to be with. And it is NOT your job to change him.

Cordelia16, yes, that's what I meant!
This early date stage should be all about excitement, tummy flipping, looking forward to the next time, NOT worrying about their odd behaviour.
Sorry if that wasn't clear.

There is a reason why women keep leaving him. There is a reason why he's still single at 51.