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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

578 replies

Rejectedwoman · 18/09/2017 16:04

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:43

I have a daughter who has Autism, do you think it could be tgat or Aspergers,not able to read social cues and feelings properly, just a thought.

Logans · 18/09/2017 21:45

Ok, his response sounds a bit more positive.

And may I add OP that you're doing an excellent job of being the woman who will not be messed with! Smile

Now I've read that I think maybe just proceed with caution?

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:47

What did you expect him to say?

Would you say to someone that they'd been on Facebook before talking to you as a joke? Where's the funny bit?

And constantly badger someone to send you messages and male them feel guilty when they don't (oh but it's all a joke so OK, right?).

Would you ever treat someone the way He's been treating you - seriously or as a joke?

No? Why not?

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:48

This is all part of getting to know more about each other.

Still telling you what to think.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:49

See how it goes op, if it starts again, than end it.

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:50

I don't think his response is positive at all.
My manipulative ex was good at saying he wanted to listen to me and do whatever I wanted. He was great at talking about feelings and emotions and saying the right thing when needed. Didn't stop his desire to control and own me. Just made it harder to see him for what he really was.

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 21:53

This man basically says he thinks emotional blackmail is just a joke. How is it funny?

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 21:55

I think it is, basically it is up to op to what she think is best.

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 21:57

This is all part of getting to know more about each other

There is something really patronising about this.

invisiblecats · 18/09/2017 22:04

Aeroflotgirl of course - but if you haven't spent many years with someone who pulls exactly this kind of manipulative bullshit you might not recognise the signs.

This man's behaviour has domestic abuse written all over him. He's dangerous - emotionally and probably financially as a minimum if not physically.

I get that if you've not been through it you might not see it but believe me the signs are loud and clear.

He's treated the OP very badly for 5 weeks in. What has he done to change that? Nothing. She gave him a get out and he took it.

Where's his apology for emotionally blackmailing the OP / making her feel bad?! It should be in that text - seriously, where is it?

JustWonderingZ · 18/09/2017 22:06

As my DH says in these instances: "There is no pleasing a woman". And he is right. Why do we have to overthink everything?

Haven't RTFT, but your new man sounds lovely and respectful. Appreciate it for what it is and do not worry about things which aren't there.

SweetLuck · 18/09/2017 22:08

There is no pleasing a woman

Massive pile of bollocks right there.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 22:13

invisible, no I haven't, I met DH when I was 21, we have been together since, so not much experience of dating. He was never like this man, he did tell me he loved me after a month, I said I did not feel the same, it's too soon, he was fine, we got to know each other and there was a spark.

I do hope op date, was just overzealous with his feelings, but it is the expecting her to feel the same, and expecting her to message her, and the Facebook thing which would put me off. His response to her message, I felt was fine, I guess it's up to her to weigh that all up and see what to do.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/09/2017 22:14

Op should know that if he starts that again, to call it a day with him.

ChasedByBees · 18/09/2017 22:15

Too clingy and I wasn't loving his latest reply. Be careful OP. 😕

Justaboy · 18/09/2017 22:16

OP do you know much about any previous relationships he's had and how they ended at all?.

DJBaggySmalls · 18/09/2017 22:20

All his behaviours are red flags for coercive behaviours later on, especially too much too soon.
Its not nice, its not love at first sight, he's trying to get you to down your defenses. He says he loves you but does he ever talk about his life - family, work or hobbies, or are they in a separate compartment?

From the way you talk about him, ask yourself if you actually like him. Would you have him as a friend?
If you suggested to him to meet up as just friends for 6 months and then see how it goes, how would he react?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2017 22:28

This man's behaviour has domestic abuse written all over him. He's dangerous - emotionally and probably financially as a minimum if not physical

Erm .... ok Hmm

Poor OP

Gannicusthemannicus · 18/09/2017 22:32

Everything in that reply places the blame on you for how he is acting. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and that is exactly the sort of message that sets my alarm bells off.

toconclude · 18/09/2017 22:49

Just: "As my DH says in these instances: "There is no pleasing a woman". And he is right. Why do we have to overthink everything? "

Your "DH" sounds like a cock. And you sound like you have just accepted it.

More fool you.

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 18/09/2017 22:52

Given that mutual friends have vouched for him, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt over a bunch of MNetters who see red flags in everything and shout LTB over the tiniest thing. Yes, unfortunately too many women recognise the signs, but there are men out there who are a bit socially inept, who are just trying to date someone they like and getting it a bit wrong. I don't see anything wrong with his latest message and you have clearly spelled out your feelings to him. I'd see how it goes, seeing as you like him.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 18/09/2017 23:35

As someone else said at this point you should be walking in the clouds excited

Not having to set boundaries of course he is going to tell you what you want to hear

Is it really worth all the angst just because in some ways he is nicer than the guy you saw before. There are many nice men around don't hang on to one just becuase he is nice in some ways than another you have known

misssmilla1 · 19/09/2017 00:10

I'd be wary of mutual friends vouching for someone, tbh, unless they've actually been in a relationship with that person or one of their friends have.

People can seem quite normal / middle of the road to friends, and totally different in a relationship.

PaintingByNumbers · 19/09/2017 05:38

"My mistake" !!!!
What a sly dig

Seriously, op, he just sounds a manipulative dickhead. Bet he is a sulker. He'd be on my "ditch after one message" list. None of those messages are remotely good and your instincts are screaming at you (henc e this thread)

I'm interested in you. Why do you override your instincts?

Squeegle · 19/09/2017 06:09

The biggest red flag is that you are posting on here. Trust your own instincts. I don't know if he's sinister but he would annoy the hell out of me; the facebook stalking thing is far too annoying and instrusive. See how it goes, but don't be afraid to get out of it if it's not working for you. You never need to be told to get in touch with someone Smile. If you want to you will do...

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