New man too nice??? Am I being silly or is it sinister,?

[Rejectedwoman]

Posted about a few of my relationship woes. Met a new man 5 weeks ago. We have several mutual friends in common but we had never met before. Get on well. Hes been single 18 months. Is 15+ years older than me. Lives 50miles away but we both drive so.distance not an.issue. Been on two actual dates and met twice more just quickly after work.

Here's the thing. He seems to nice. Now in my defence husband who I am going through separation with I was with a long time. Almost 15 years . I have kids. New man been nowhere near them and will be staying that way for as long as possible. Exh was a heavy drinker, violent at timws, verbally aggressive etc etc so maybe I am.just not used to someone who is nice.

Second date new man gave me a bottle of perfume I had mentioned I like in conversation previously. What I am questioning is his feelings for me. He says if he is with someone Hes with that person and no one else. He doesn't do or want casual stuff which is good as neither do I. Texts me every day as soon as he wakes up and last thing at night before he goes to bed. Rings me once a day too to chat. Just starting to feel like he needs constant contact and attention from me. We haven't slept together as I really don't feel comfortable at the moment being physical with him (recent bad experience with someone who I went to bed with and then dropped me after I developed feelings so I feel quite raw and wary from it) I have explained this and he says he will wait, wants to make.it special for me, wants me to be happy and comfortable. When I ask what would make him happy he says as long as I am.happy he is. He just wants to make me happy and smile. But it's constantly like this. Every day him saying all this. Counting down.the days to seeing me. Constantly saying he wants me/ misses me etc

Am I reading way way too much into this.
Help

Have you blocked him now?

I wouldn't block him, I would certainly ignore and not engage with him but it's better the devil you know. If he gets any more funny ideas especially if he intends on turning up somewhere you don't want him to, it's better you have the heads up. Also not worth risking him trying to contact you in other ways or resort to drastic measures once he realises you've blocked his number.

Yes, keep to a STRICTLY one-way communication. Only. Forever. If he gets nasty (which is one way he could go) you have the evidence.

But DON'T ever EVER reply - EVER AGAIN.

EVER!

EVERRRR!

What??? He asked you about blow jobs? Jesus, what an actual sleazy creep.

He was testing your boundaries throughout - you've had a lucky escape!

He'll still do the odd phishing text - just to gauge your mood/willingness to engage/respond.

I wouldn't even reply out of politeness tbf.

If he attempts to engage you in conversation at any point on Saturday, simple give one word answers.

One thing he said which I though odd at the time but dismissed was when he asked me if I would still give someone a blow job even if I wasn't really in the mood or if they didn't want to return the favour.

what a question. what a bizarre question. This alone was enough to dump his ass.

"Will you suck my dick even if you don't want to and even if I don't feel like doing anything for you?"

"No, I won't. I'm not a prostitute. That is a skilled job set, and you need to pay a professional to get that kind of service. I'm strictly amateur, just doing things for my own fun."

Please make sure that your mutual friends know that he is not to know where you live or anything else about you.

I recommend this, only if you've cut ties and he keeps msging.

'This is the last time. I will respond to you. After this message I have blocked your number'

Done. If you wanted it to be. Anything after that is harassment and you get the police involved.

. He's a wanker cunt. End of conversation.

And make sure your mutual friends are aware so he doesn't hook up with any of them in the future.

Sorry, I meant *wankery cunt.

I have just sat and read the entire thread and just want to say well done for dumping him, what a creep!

One thing he said which I though odd at the time but dismissed was when he asked me if I would still give someone a blow job even if I wasn't really in the mood or if they didn't want to return the favour

WOW! OMFG! So he's not averse to coercive sex then? I agree, that alone would have got him dumped straight away.
You seriously didn't think of the implications in that text?

It's Saturday. Bumping this to see if the OP went out on the day out after all.

I'm amazed how so many people make instant judgements on the relationships of complete strangers.

How do they know what either party is like?

This man could be genuinely ecstatic that he's found someone he can be intimate with and trust.

Could it be that he desperately wants affection and the fact that you're are being cool with him is driving him even more frenzied? (That's just a theory. I couldn't possibly know)

Speaking personally, I'd be horrified if a person I opened up to was presenting my every text to the court of public opinion.

Could it be that he desperately wants affection and the fact that you're are being cool with him is driving him even more frenzied?

And on what planet is that an excuse for trying to make someone feel guilty about wanting to take things more slowly???

Not to mention trying to ascertain if they would still provide sex when they didn't want to?!!!

He can feel as frenzied as he likes, but that does not give him the right to make the OP feel uncomfortable. He cannot claim he doesn't know it is making her uncomfortable, because she has told him.

Or do you by any chance subscribe to the view that women are there to provide sexual relief to any man who decides unilaterally that he wants it from them?

@corythatwas

Thanks for your feedback.

I wasn't trying to tell anyone to do anything. I don't think I'm qualified to give advice.

I was just asking questions.

Is there really a view that "women are there to provide sexual relief to any man who decides unilaterally that he wants it from them?"

I'd prefer it if you didn't accuse me of that, if you don't mind.

I just worry that this poor bloke is being demonised and judged by a peer group of anonymous web surfers that don't know either party and are only hearing from one person's version of events.

ohthis we are going on what op is saying. This man sounds deeply controlling and suffocating, with his constant stream of messages, and expecting the same from op. Not respecting her as a person, and respecting her feelings. This after only 2 dates, noway!

Op is on here as this man is making her feel uncomfortable.

@OhThisbloodyComputer a lot of us just have experience of this type of manipulation and have learned to read the signs and to trust our instincts. And whether he means to be manipulative or not, he is manipulative. And that is not OK.

Most importantly, the OP is uncomfortably and unhappy. She had her own instincts. We were able to validate him. The only question in these circumstances is: does OP want to continue the relationship? She doesn't. End of.

Whether he is a cold-blooded abuser or a poor pathetic man who's "genuinely ecstatic" he's found someone doesn't matter one bit. Neither OP or we are required to "be fair" or "give him a chance" or "hear his side", and the world would be a lot better for women if more people got that through their heads.

Read Gavin deBecker's "The Gift of Fear" and grant OP the right to know her own mind.

Argh validate THEM not him. I have no interest in validating him.

Exactly, op has a right to her feelings, and to end it, if he makes her uncomfortable.i wpd not like that, it would put me right off.

I think judging by op quietness, he's got the message!

Thanks @TiramisuQueenoftheFaeries

I see what you mean now.

But I was trying to allow OP to know her own mind.

I don't have the same understanding of controlling behaviour, as I'm a "poor pathetic man" I guess. (I thank that phrase is a bit harsh, but there you go)

Anyway, I've learned something. What are the main points of The Gift of Fear? I don't think I'll get around to reading it, but it sounds interesting.

(Fear doesn't sound like much of a gift, as far as I can see. I'd keep hold of the receipt)

I think the OP knows her own mind.