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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this email from sports coach?

155 replies

Hayesking · 18/09/2017 07:07

Dd is 11 and captain of a local football team. It's her first season playing and they are in a tough league playing against boys and basically losing every match they play. She got a lot of stick when they made her captain as she was new to the club

At the weekend she didn't play very well, was tired and not feeling well. The coach was cross with her at half time and she cried Blush not hugely but was clearly upset.

Last night he sent me an email saying if she does it again he will take the captaincy away from her.

AIBU to think fucking hell they are 11??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hayesking · 20/09/2017 09:42

lljkk sorry if you are trying to be helpful but I don't even know where to start.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hayesking · 20/09/2017 09:43

update - she's been dropped from the match at the weekend - ok fair enough, she's going to go anyway and support from the sidelines. Hopefully after this it will be business as normal.

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/09/2017 09:49

I think it's one of those moments when I realise how little I have in common with MNers, so you're absolutely right, there is no point in me responding to this or most MN threads.

Good luck with, er, whatever you might achieve.

JacquesHammer · 20/09/2017 12:19

Glad mine don't do much sport if this horrid 'man up' mentality is prevalent

It really isn't. Sports coaching is - just like most other management roles - about finding the right way to manage each of your players.

I have roughly 20 who turn up to my sessions. Some of them respond better to chivvying along (I refuse to use any such "man up" type terms as its appallingly sexist) - even when upset THEY deal with things better when the coach is brisk and doesn't make a big deal of it. I have others who (quite literally!) need the odd hug and a much more gentle style of coaching.

I'm not saying that the coach in question didn't get it wrong. He might be a twat, he might have made a genuine mistake and simply handled a situation wrong. It certainly isn't the norm IME.

Sweetpea55 · 21/09/2017 15:38

The coach sounds an idiot,, Of course she cried she's 11 for christs sake.,,She doesnt need bullying,,Id be telling him to poke it,,

Purplemeddler · 21/09/2017 15:55

Gosh there are a lot of harsh comments on here.

The DD is ELEVEN! She's not 18!

No coach should be talking to an 11 year old in a way that makes them cry.

My ds played football and it ended badly. I don't know what it is about football that arouses such arseholery from certain coaches/parents/players. He now does athletics and the attitude is so different and so refreshing. Same with cricket.

The captaincy was rotated in my son's team although admittedly he was younger, he stopped playing when he was coming up to 10.

Purplemeddler · 21/09/2017 16:03

As for the coach, I think you should start speak to the club's Club Welfare Officer about him. Every club has a Club Welfare Officer and they are the first person to speak to if you think the coach is acting inappropriately

Sadly at my son's club the club welfare officer was absolutely useless. As was the chair of the club. Thank goodness for current players that the welfare officer is no longer there, though who knows if the current welfare officer is any better.

I am now welfare officer of my running club and have gone through several training courses and it now shocks me even more how awful our welfare officer was.

But the OP might have more luck. But it might be that the only option is to find another club (or sport).

NYC23 · 21/09/2017 22:38

OP - does the coach have a "senior" to report to? Coukd it be worth asking to talk to the head of the club or head coach or someone? Perhaps trying to speak to them on their own may be good?

SirGawain · 21/09/2017 22:46

These are kids.
This is a game.
The coaches are volunteers.
The referees are human.
This is not the World Cup,

hmcAsWas · 22/09/2017 07:08

"The coaches are volunteers"

Quite, but being a volunteer doesn't preclude him from being crap and ill suited to the role Confused

BackforGood · 22/09/2017 17:23

NYC23 - all FA registered Youth teams should have a Welfare Officer at the club who would be the first port of call for this conversation.

NYC23 · 22/09/2017 17:37

Ok BackForGood - I don't know much about football but we had an issue once with a coach and spoke directly to the head of the youth section who dealt with it swiftly and efficiently. I didn't know if that would be an option for the OP?

Original poster
Hayesking · 27/09/2017 07:06

Hi all just an update.

His treatment of dd has got worse, the director of the club is now involved. Thank god. He was horrified by the email. We are just trying to decide what to do next. It's complicated as she loves the team, loves football and its the best team in the area in terms of facilities etc. Last night he took the piss out of her speech with braces so I now fucking hate him. Situation is ongoing according to the director and they will report back at end of week. Not sure whether to mention braces incident to them. Dd told me matter of factly about it but clearly didn't think it was very kind. What makes people such wankers??

OP posts:
greyfriarskitty · 27/09/2017 07:14

Do report the additional incident about the braces. They need to know everything anyway, but more importantly that’s got nothing to do with sport and performance and everything to do with him not being an appropriate person to work with her.

I suspect him of being deeply sexist and unable to deal with a girl who is better than most of the boys. I also suspect that he has enjoyed seeing her fail. Good luck.

DressedCrab · 27/09/2017 07:18

The coach is a bully and should be sacked.

Headofthehive55 · 27/09/2017 07:23

Dropped from the match?
IT doesn't have to be like that.
We play everybody. Even in positions they aren't best in. It's about enjoyment.

Headofthehive55 · 27/09/2017 07:25

We rotate the captain - they get it for being well behaved at training that week.

Original poster
Hayesking · 27/09/2017 07:29

I have a friend whose dd plays for a team near Amsterdam. They don't have a captain OR a fixed position until they are 16! And the Dutch aren't too shabby at women's football!

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/09/2017 07:43

They do have turns at other positions otherwise you don't grow.
Sometimes it's not the best formation, but it's giving the kids chance to try a different position.

Original poster
Hayesking · 27/09/2017 07:44

I've had a genius idea.

I am going to "suggest" that the coach announfces after the next match that Hayes dd has had a brilliant idea. She has said that there should be a rolling captain that he will choose for each match.

So he doesn't get any kudos for it and dd gets out looking not bad.

And they should have a rolling captain anyway!!

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 27/09/2017 07:47

Of course you need to give them enough information to solve the issue! How are you expecting any kind of resolution if you deliberately hold back vital information?

Taking the piss out of her speech with braves is very, very, telling.

You'll be doing your daughter a great disservice by not telling those in charge what is actually happening and somehow expecting them to glean the truth through telepathy and vague clues.

If you actually want this sorting out properly, you need to behave accordingly.

I was completely with you right up until your last post, and now I'm rather irritated! Can't see why you'd decide to shield a man who appears to be deliberately being cruel to your child. Whilst getting other people involved at the same time. How odd.

ferrier · 27/09/2017 07:53

Glad others are getting involved now.
Hopefully the coach will be removed and receive some additional training before being allowed to coach again.

Original poster
Hayesking · 27/09/2017 09:36

Don't worry well I have reported it this morning!

OP posts:
PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 27/09/2017 10:04

I'm used to clubs with a separate (paid) coach and (volunteer) manager, which seems better! It means there are two people who know the team and the coach can focus on skills and technique while the manager can focus more on teamwork, emotions etc.

It doesn't sound good though, I know I'd hate that. Does your DD have good support from the rest of her team? That's the most important thing. I did a year with a coach that none of us liked (different sport), but we'd all bolster each other.

WellThisIsShit · 27/09/2017 10:14

Sorry hay I leaked out 'ruddy nora not another day already' morning grumpiness into my post

Glad you shared his rubbish behaviour though :)

Whatever happens he needs to know that a great grown man bullying little girls is unacceptable and doesn't slip through the net.

Also think your idea about rotating captaincy coming from DD is a great idea.