To be upset by this email from sports coach?

[Hayesking]

Dd is 11 and captain of a local football team. It's her first season playing and they are in a tough league playing against boys and basically losing every match they play. She got a lot of stick when they made her captain as she was new to the club

At the weekend she didn't play very well, was tired and not feeling well. The coach was cross with her at half time and she cried not hugely but was clearly upset.

Last night he sent me an email saying if she does it again he will take the captaincy away from her.

AIBU to think fucking hell they are 11??

[SandyY2K]

It doesn't sound like the captain role is suited to her. I think you need to find a way to let her know.

Start by asking if she actually wants to be the team captain. Maybe she would be better stepping down.

[AuntieStella]

Was he making her cry? Or was he behaving exactly as he always does, and she just happened to well up because she was sickening for something?

What does your DD say about how the match went?
What are her football ambitions?

If she doesn't want to be in the competitive game, then finding a recreational club might be the right thing. But if she wants to remain with the competitive game, how can she learn from this to improve her skills?

[fluffygreenmonsterhoody]

OP I'm appalled at this. She's eleven ffs.

This example is exactly why coaches of every other sport despair of football coaches.

[EhWhatPardon]

Girls can play in a mixed team until U16 now.

I really think the coach could have worded that better. My niece who plays at under 15 is a ball of hormones and often have a cry at half time if she's frustrated or unwell. But so do some of the lads.

You need clarification on what he doesn't want to see again and take it from there.

[notacooldad]

I'm surprised a newcomer was made captain.
In the sports that my lads have been involved with the captaincy is decided on the players attitude, their strengths and weakness and how they interact with the rest of the team. Even with the younger teams ( under 10s - not football) a good attitude is paramount.

I'm not sure how they would know her qualities if she is new to them and I'm no telling surprised she got some stick, with human nature being the way it is.

I don't see the problem playing with boys at this age, they do in ice hockey and that is often a much more physical and faster game.

Getting back to your AIBU, fucking hell, they are 11.
To be honest I think you are.

[ujerneyson]

Although they can still play mixed at that age the differences in strength do start to become apparent at around U11 / U12. If they're playing a mixed league then unless they're a real elite team as in under contract to a professional club in most cases they'll struggle against a higher division boys team. Is there not a girls league that they can play in? My DD plays in one and the standard is extremely high? Before anyone jumps on me, I'm not saying for a moment that girls and boys should play together but the differences in strength and speed do start to open up at about this age.

[CalmanOnSpeeddial]

She doesn't have to be captain if she doesn't want to be. She can carry on playing at a competitive level without taking on that additional role.

I do think it depends on whether this is a one off caused by her being poorly and emotionally fragile or a symptom of a deeper mismatch between the demands of the coach and what's right for her. I'd have a gentle chat with her about what she thinks and wants, and perhaps respond to the coach explaining that she was ill that day.

[ujerneyson]

I'll add that DD's team are county champions and haven't lost a game in the league for 2 seasons, and we often have friendliest against some pretty good boys teams and they do struggle

[PurpleMinionMummy]

She needs a new team.

[Kazzyhoward]

Bursting out crying is not acceptable behaviour for a captain of a team, whatever the age. As captain, she's the leader and needs to inspire and motivate by example. Bursting out crying isn't appropriate as it will just further damage team morale etc. Perhaps her becoming captain was a step too far too soon.

[Raizel]

I hate this sort of nonsense and it's why our standard of football is so poor when compared to the rest of the world. At that age it's not supposed to be about winning or losing it's about enjoyment, finding your position, learning to understand the game, gaining confidence and learning new skills.

I've coached football and basketball at these ages and what your describing is a very very poor coach. I would find another team very quickly as well.

He made your daughter captain, turned her into a scapegoat for everything going wrong then threatens to take the captaincy off her! Wow!!! Just wow!!! I would have some strong words for him!

[NotBadConsidering]

Bursting out crying is not acceptable behaviour for a captain of a team

So an 11 year old girl is supposed to take a coach being cross with her on the chin just because she's captain?

Treating children like that is more likely to damage team morale than her crying. And which is more likely: that this builds character and she rises from the challenge, or she decides she doesn't love the game any more and gives up because it's not about enjoyment any more?

This sort of coaching isn't character building, it's character destroying.

[RB68]

With regard to the league - as girsl physically their development is behind boys at this stage - they tend to be smaller, lighter and less strong (not that they aren't capable of being as strong but they tend not to be trained as hard physically)

In terms of performance the issue is its not a mixed team and they are not playing against mixed teams its pitting M/F and this needs to be supported better by the coach.

In terms of reactions on the pitch he needs to take into account human emotions, this is where passion comes from and he then needs to use that to drive performance. Frankly I think he is showing his weakness as a coach here. Being competitive isn't about being as hard as nails but about taking emotion and turning it into passion and drive for what you are doing.

I would also try and coach daughter myself , but then I have coaching experience, but with regard to self confidence and emotional control rather than the game itself.

I would maybe agree she needs to think about letting someone else take the captaincy in the longer term. I would chat to coach and agree a number of things 1. letting him know about illness, 2. Thinking longer term re captaincy 3. I am bolshy so would also mention using the emotion to create some passion rather than to bully her with

[RB68]

ps dropping the captaincy is about supporting her emotionally in the long term - its alot of pressure for such a young child to hold for a whole season - a taste and development will help her understand what is required and letting someone else take the pressure would be good too. I suspect she was given it to avoid in fighting with older team members rather than anything to do with how marvelous she was which again shows coaching weakness ( although could be wrong as no idea about your daughter etc)

[HangingRock]

If it was the crying he meant, just say "Sorry about that she was coming down with something so was feeling a bit fragile. Sure she'll be fine once she's well again."

[Lucyccfc]

The coach is a knob. Tell him to go and look at the Football Associations ethos for kids football and the Respect campaign.

This is a good read for those who think the coach is right.

www.zani.co.uk/zani-sport/item/2806-grassroots-football-a-decade-in-the-eye-of-the-storm

[BigSandyBalls2015]

Find another team. My DDs have played football since U10s (now under 18s) and none of the coaches have behaved like that. There are bound to be tears and playing under par some days.

[Lucyccfc]

Kazzyhoward. She will never learn to inspire and motivate unless she has a role model to learn from. A coach that makes kids cry is not s role model.

My link is especially aimed at people with your views.

[NotBadConsidering]

First result from googling "girls quit sport"

www.momsteam.com/successful-parenting/youth-sports-parenting-basics/parenting-girls/sports-dropout-rate-for-girls-six

[happypoobum]

I wouldn't tell DD about the email yet. I would ask her how she felt about playing for the team and about being captain.

The coach sounds like a knobhead.

Are there no other options for her?

[DoctorTwo]

The coach is an utter cock. If she was my DD we'd be finding a new team.

[HangingRock]

I think it depends how he behaved towards her. If he had a massive go at her then take her out. If he was just a bit irritated/telling her to up her game but she was feeling sensitive due to being unwell but would have coped fine with it normally then that's different.

[AnnIeAnoniMouse]

Maybe he made her Captain because he's already promoted & demoted the rest of the team.

He sounds like a complete cock. My reply to him would be terse.

[Viviennemary]

The coach hasn't handled this well IMHO. It would have been better to wait and see before making her Captain before she had even played any games. But this kind of defeat can happen in boys teams as well. My son played for a team that lost 21-0. There's always next week. Absolutely no point in crying over a football match.