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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this email from sports coach?

155 replies

Hayesking · 18/09/2017 07:07

Dd is 11 and captain of a local football team. It's her first season playing and they are in a tough league playing against boys and basically losing every match they play. She got a lot of stick when they made her captain as she was new to the club

At the weekend she didn't play very well, was tired and not feeling well. The coach was cross with her at half time and she cried Blush not hugely but was clearly upset.

Last night he sent me an email saying if she does it again he will take the captaincy away from her.

AIBU to think fucking hell they are 11??

OP posts:
Original poster
Hayesking · 19/09/2017 07:09

Thank you raizel

I think she's been a bit of a disappointment to them Sad she trialled really well and the coach went into overdrive about her talent (in front of other parents which was awful and cringey). I did say at the time she lacked match experience but they didn't listen!

OP posts:
Raizel · 19/09/2017 13:24

Honestly this person sounds like they wrote the book on being a bad coach. From the sounds of it I think he tried to use your daughter to illicit a response from the other players to try and get them to up there games. Actually what it's done is put unfair pressure and expectation on your daughter and made her integration with her team mates very difficult.

I don't know if it's a possibility but could you get her in another team with a better coach?

Also look at the positives the team wanted her because she is very talented that hasn't just changed over night she just needs to be in a better environment that's all.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice but just keep doing what your doing support her and make sure she keeps enjoying it. Like I said maybe look for another team and honestly I really do promise you this coach is a tool there really are some great coaches and teams out there.

Katherine2626 · 19/09/2017 17:31

Bit harsh - it is a game after all!

comedycentral · 19/09/2017 17:34

The coach sounds like an idiot, you may find some information here thecpsu.org.uk/

Ttbb · 19/09/2017 17:55

YANBU-it's not like they're trying out for milwall in a few months time. Some people have no concept of how unimportant they are.

CatOnMyLap · 19/09/2017 18:15

Children do cry sometimes, out of frustration and disappointment. At 11 they haven't grown out of that. My DS (nearly 11) is captain of his team too. The coach is tougher on him than on the others - because he expects him not just to play his best but to get the best out of the others too, particularly when the chips are down and the team is 5-0 down. It's a hard thing for children to learn and my DS struggles with it too sometimes. When they suffer a big loss the goalie sometimes cries, and when that happens the coach and the rest of the team gather round and tell him it wasn't his fault, that he's a great player, and that the loss would have been far worse without the saves he did make. The coach once said he didn't want to see him crying, but not because crying is weak - because he should never be ashamed of his performance. As a result he bounces back quickly - that seems to me a much kinder and more productive way to deal with children and make sure they retain their love of football. Good luck to your DD - I hope she gets her mojo back and scores a hat-trick in the next match!

glitterlips1 · 19/09/2017 18:19

She's 11. I think it is OTT of the coach. People who think it is wrong that an 11 year old cries in the presence of an intimidating coach are heartless.

Mumteadumpty · 19/09/2017 18:29

I'd definitely be looking for a different coach/ team

EllenMP · 19/09/2017 18:30

I don't know why they would even have a captain at 11. That's unnecessary pressure in my opinion, and it would be a very rare 11 year old with the confidence to show any real leadership. Your daughter would not be unreasonable in saying she doesn't want to do it if it's creating stress for her.

The coach sounds like the kind of jerk youth football is trying to get rid of. Unless she is behaving badly in some way - stropping, fouling, dissenting with the ref -- there is no reason to give your players grief. They want to win as much as the coaches do and are doing their best. It's pointless to yell at them for having an off day. All it does is knock their confidence, and they need that confidence to play better next time.

I'm not sure if she is playing on a girls team or a mixed team, but either way if they are getting beaten every week then they are in the wrong league or division. The coach needs to support them through this until they can get in a more suitable division.

As for the coach, I think you should start speak to the club's Club Welfare Officer about him. Every club has a Club Welfare Officer and they are the first person to speak to if you think the coach is acting inappropriately. That includes situations like this -- it doesn't have to rise to the level of abuse. If a coach is just using poor practice you should let them know. Check your club's website for the Child Welfare Officer, or ask the Chairman or Club Secretary who it is. Your daughter's coach should have had FA Level 1 training at minimum and should know better than to act like that.

Can you find a team with a coach with a better attitude? Maybe a team in a girls-only league? I don't think there is that much of a size difference at your daughter's age, but a lot of girls prefer playing in a girls only league, because who wants to carry the weight of expectation for your entire gender when you are just trying to have fun playing footie on a Sunday morning.

But to answer your specific question, no you are not being unreasonable. I've been a footie mum for 12 years. I run a small football club myself and sit on the committee of another much larger club. I am a Welfare Officer, too. And this coach is out of order.

JacquesHammer · 19/09/2017 19:00

I don't know why they would even have a captain at 11. That's unnecessary pressure in my opinion, and it would be a very rare 11 year old with the confidence to show any real leadership

We have captains. They're usually the kids that play the sport seriously and have a good concept of the game. They tend to have enough confidence to do coin toss/hand shake etc etc. Its more an honorary role rather than high pressured for us though. It tends to be given to a kid in top class who is moving on so he gets his last year as "rugby captain".

Some people have no concept of how unimportant they are

Comments like that make volunteering totally worthwhile you know Grin

Original poster
Hayesking · 19/09/2017 19:59

She's a good captain. She's polite, confident, helpful, loud when she needs to be. She came back from training buzzing. I couldn't really bear to talk to him to be honest.

OP posts:
monstiebags · 19/09/2017 20:17

she's 11 - she shouldn't be crying. Sport is a tough world even at amateur level - it is abut winning in th end and all the effort and grit that that takes. It isn't for everyone - certainly not my cup of tea but I do admire those with the sort of personality who can do it.

Original poster
Hayesking · 19/09/2017 20:41

she's 11 - she shouldn't be crying. Sport is a tough world even at amateur level

Hmm

I think it's time to say I competed for gb when younger. I've been involved with sport at a high level for 40 years. The occasional blub is fine. Look at Ronaldo! Sport should absolutely not be emotionally tough at 11, unless you want kids to give up at 14. We are trying to produce athletes who start to peak in their late teens, not at 12

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 19/09/2017 22:25

YANBU-it's not like they're trying out for milwall in a few months time

Ouch! I know the OP said dd had an off game & the result was a 12-nil drubbing, but they're not that bad.

BackforGood · 19/09/2017 23:30

Grin Prophet

Kerala2712 · 19/09/2017 23:41

Yanbu. He is not a good coach. She is 11 ffs. I am sure you have had experience of good and bad coaches, so you know the difference. You know this is wrong, and are seeking us to confirm it- well it is wrong. Sounds like thecwhole team dynamic is intolerant and s bit toxic. That's the adults fault, not the kids'- is there a reason you can't move her elsewhere?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 19/09/2017 23:52

Yanbu. My youngest plays in an under 8's team and some of the coaches (and parents) don't seem to realise that while they are playing competitive sport they are little kids and it should be fun. It's not the champions league.

hmcAsWas · 20/09/2017 00:07

Apologies - just read your first post only OP (and nothing else - its late!)

Coach sounds horribly insensitive. My dd (15) and ds (13) both play football and both are blessed with great coaches who understand that the best results are achieved by supporting and encouraging rather than threatening and criticising.

Also, are there really no other teams your dd could join (in preference to this team) which choose to play in leagues consisting of other girls teams? My dd has been playing in her team since Y5 and has always been in a league with plenty of other girls teams to play against. We don't live in a sprawling metropolis either - we're South Coast. Girls football is growing in popularity - there ought to be some girls leagues locally? Have you double checked?

Its hugely demoralising to be in the 'wrong' league and be heavily defeated week after week - which seems to be the scenario for your dd's current team......?

Theladyinthebath · 20/09/2017 00:31

if anyone made my11 year old boy upset id be livid. Glad mine don't do much sport if this horrid 'man up' mentality is prevalent

lljkk · 20/09/2017 04:33

"I competed for gb when younger. I've been involved with sport at a high level for 40 years."

Ah. You can't know what things are like for us talentless, then.
You've probably had overall very excellent coaching & elite sport experiences.
This might be a Welcome to the Real World moment.
Perhaps good thing if you're in a position to improve that world (but that's doubtful or you wouldn't be sharing on MN).

Original poster
Hayesking · 20/09/2017 07:22

Ah. You can't know what things are like for us talentless, then.
You've probably had overall very excellent coaching & elite sport experiences.
This might be a Welcome to the Real World moment.

That's a fairly chippy and mean comment. I spent about 5 years at grassroots level in the 80s, so yeah, don't worry I have plenty of experience of non elite coaching. It's because of that that I feel it's important to improve what we have now. Most sports have dragged themselves out of those dark days. Sadly I wasn't a footballer so certainly don't feel qualified to coach my dd!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hayesking · 20/09/2017 07:23

prophet GrinGrin

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 20/09/2017 07:46

Woman's ice hockey is on the up and up and the women/girls iv met are bloody brilliant.

lljkk · 20/09/2017 09:40

You must have been good, though, nobody had to find a way to say you weren't making the grade.

mumindoghouse · 20/09/2017 09:41

I'm shocked at the number of people who think the manager's threat was acceptable.
Both my sons have been through this sort of football and the managers do get overly caught up in winning etc. All give their time for free so we've always tried to be supportive. But as amateurs they don't always get the balance right.

It becomes a question of degree. DS2 had the misfortune to be picked by one such manager. Every week manager insisted on a formation that didn't work, harangued the 11 year olds for being useless and time and again they lost. DS2 started to hate football and wanted to leave mid season. We don't encourage quitting and didn't agree for the longest time. But in the end enough was enough.

To be fair the club chairman offered to change teams for him as both boys had played since kindergarten and were good sports on the pitch etc. Sadly, though, DS2 had had enough.

So I think manager is being unreasonable. That said DS1 was captain, then had it taken away and was far happier without it!