To be upset by this email from sports coach?

[Hayesking]

Dd is 11 and captain of a local football team. It's her first season playing and they are in a tough league playing against boys and basically losing every match they play. She got a lot of stick when they made her captain as she was new to the club

At the weekend she didn't play very well, was tired and not feeling well. The coach was cross with her at half time and she cried not hugely but was clearly upset.

Last night he sent me an email saying if she does it again he will take the captaincy away from her.

AIBU to think fucking hell they are 11??

What, so at 11, you have to have complete mastery of your emotions, and if you feel ill/hormonal/stressed and have a bit of a blub, you are immediately seen as 'not management material'? This thread is an eye-opener to the emotional illiteracy of the UK, really it is. I have lots of friends whose girls play football in other countries, and they do not go in for this shit, either the coach pressure or the mini-adult emotional repression. Weird thread.

Some kids rise to pressure. It isn't wrong tactic necessarily to lean on her. It's not personal; it's about who can do this role best right now.

If she is not leading the others well, I can understand coach wanting to let someone else try the leadership role; her struggle may be affecting others badly.

I would be upset, too, but that doesn't mean coach is in the wrong.

Was he making her cry? Or was he behaving exactly as he always does, and she just happened to well up because she was sickening for something?

This is what I was wondering.

I would definitely be having an honest but kind discussion around captaincy and needing to inspire and motivate through positivity. I think 11 is plenty old enough to understand and shielding them with notions of the unfair coach reduces their ability to learn and build resilience.
It's a game, only a game. If she can't cope with the pressure of l adding a high performing team she might want to consider lasting not to be captain or moving to a less demanding club.

Was he making her cry? Or was he behaving exactly as he always does, and she just happened to well up because she was sickening for something?

I think this is important.

I'm a rugby coach. We have a crier. He takes everything absolutely personally (I'm am 100% not a shouty coach, I only raise my voice during a match to get attention) so for example you say "we're doing really well, but there are some gaps in defence we need to tighten" he will cry . I imagine to everyone watching it looks as though we're berating him.

I think for me context is everything with this.

It might, however, be that your daughter isn't suited to captaincy.

RE: boys vs girls - totally common at U11 and no problem at all. We still play mixed contact rugby at that age.

Thanks all. I did speak to her about it and actually she took it on the chin. She doesn't normally cry!! She feels poorly today so thats probably why.

I agree they should ha E let them play a few matches before choosing the captain it seems an odd choice especially as it's put a few parents backs up.

I've sent a very simple email just saying I've spoken to her and she's taken it on board. Football!!!

Just to clarify, she certainly didn't burst out crying!! She turned away and wiped away tears.

I'm actually going to have a chat and ask if she really wants to be captain. I'm now thinking it would be so much better if she could just relax a bit and concentrate on the game. She's a talented player and in a county development squad but didn't play that well on Sunday.

I've been involved in lots of different sports and this is the first time I've ever come across this at this age!

And... (sorry!!) I've seen a boy player cry in frustration in each and every match they've played so far! They may not have been captain but still!

Gazza cried and it didn't do him any harm.

Good point well made

It is a good point about Gazza crying. What happened after he started crying in that semi final? Gary Lineker put his arm around him and Bobby Robson had a kind word with him. Gazza has always said Bobby Robson was his favourite manager "like a second dad" and no one else got him to play as well as Robson did. A good coach knows how to build players up.

(Not that an Under 11s coach should treat their job like the bloody World Cup, nor parents getting their backs up about who's been made captain )

Sounds a bit odd all round.
It is usual practice for U11s to rotate 'being captain' game by game. It is extremely odd to suggest it is a good role for someone new to the team.
Sending you an e-mail is odd.
I don't understand why the coach didn't phone you and ask if you thought being the captain was too much for her at the moment? The whole "punishing" her angle is ridiculous.
My dd plays U16s and they only had a fixed captain from last season. Then it evolved naturally due the the girl's personality and talking / encouraging both during the game and during the team talks. Up to U14 level it was just someone to go and shake hands with the ref at the start, and call the '3 cheers' at the end.

BackforGood I agree the whole thing is odd. I've reread the email and it's really aggressive. I've showed it to dh and he's really pissed off!! I think having a captain per match is a much, much better idea. I am quite hoping dd will want to give up being captain and I can suggest that as an option.

@RB68

Ive just read your posts and they are absolutely spot on. I think you are right about the infighting. Thanks so much for typing all that.

I've reread the email and it's really aggressive
Who does he think he is? Alex Ferguson giving Wayne Rooney the hairdryer treatment? Maybe he's not suited to 11 year old football.

It basically said that her performance was seriously lacking in all departments and that the results speak for themselves. I think its unfair to put the blame for the defeat on her shoulders.

Maybe he's come down hard because he believes that she Can do Better. He wouldn't bother if she wasn't capable of improvement. That said, Captain for each match sounds like it would suit everyone better.

Move club - this one has a lousy coach anyway.

One of my DDs is about the same age and has played for two high performing (think winning regional championship) clubs in her sport. In neither club was the coaching (driven by current internationals) anything like this. It is positive, supportive, informative and specific. The coaches go out of their way to look after a child who is a having a howler, one time blaming my daughters (frankly awful) performance on the "sticky pitch". At this age winning and losing don't matter overly: what matters is enjoyment and most importantly skills development. Get those right and the results follow.

It basically said that her performance was seriously lacking in all departments and that the results speak for themselves.

I would be looking for another club. IME, girls teams rarely have large squads and would welcome a quality player with open arms.
It sounds like he has no idea how to work with children.

I don't agree they shouldnt be aying against boys, why on earth not they are 11 years of age.

If your daughter is playing bad and she's captaining the team, then I don't blame the coach OP, she needs to inspire the team, be vocal and show enthusiasm and encouragement, if she's not doing this, then she shouldn't be captain.

I coach this age group in grass roots football, being captain is a big issue, because on the pitch you need that level of encouragement and positivity.

I agree that it's unusual to have a specific captain at U11. Our team rotates and my eldest (male) has only had a permanent captain for his team since half way through U14. Also, the crying isn't unusual, I think that all DD'steam, have had good old cries at various times over the season and even the best players have had off days. Sounds like a rubbish coach.

If she's 11 now she will be U12, not 11