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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Groovee · 18/09/2017 08:36

They are smaller now. I used to need a wide fit but I'm down to a size 5.5 normal fitting. It's a pain as currently none of my shoes fit but I am so fussy, I can't find what I like.

Rachie1973 · 18/09/2017 08:36

I think he should go. I think you're being VU expecting him not to.

kaytee87 · 18/09/2017 08:37

Op taking the clothes and renovations etc aside. Your dh will resent you if he doesn't go on his brothers stag do. It doesn't sound like you're hard up and need that £500 to feed the family or pay the mortgage. In all honesty for the sake of happy family relations I'd let this one slide... it is his brother.

QueSera · 18/09/2017 08:39

You sound a little controlling.
It's all about what benefits you and nothing about him.
Also suggesting he can do something that fits in with your ideals.
Yabu

This.
You sound dreadfully controlling op.
This is a once in a lifetime trip. It's his brother. £500 is pretty standard. My oh just went away with his friends for a weekend jolly, and it cost that. Would i like to have the money instead? Yes. Does our house need a lot of work? Hell yes. But some things are more important than material goods - such as family, friends, bonding, memories and once in a lifetime trips. I am happy he got to go.

If you stop your dp, you would be very unreasonable.
If you stop him, he will rightly resent you forever.

Just tighten your belts in other areas for a while to offset the 'extra' bit that is coming out of household expenses - btw how much is that? Because you said he has his own savings too.

overnightangel · 18/09/2017 08:40

OP YABVU
To be honest it sounds like he could do with going on the stag do for the sake of his own sanity

kaytee87 · 18/09/2017 08:42

lonicera my feet went up half a size after having ds and I now need a wider fit.

Your ligaments soften in pregnancy then the extra weight you're carrying spreads the bones in your feet out. Doesn't happen to everyone obviously but it's quite common.

cottonwoolbrain · 18/09/2017 08:42

FFS I hate my brain sometimes... thought it said £££££ on a sl*g and was about to wade in berating you for your language!!

Thankfully read some of the responses first amd concluded that YANBU

Daisybutton · 18/09/2017 08:42

'But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.'

Give him your blessing to go. Don't let resentment enter your marriage. Ask yourself the real reason you don't want him to go and address those insecurities.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 08:46

My foot went up an entire size after I had DD1 and stayed that way, my ring size increased a size, too.

'I don't know why so many people here think a post pregnancy body can look good in a charity shop ensemble for work, or a Tesco suit. Just because you can get something on and it doesn't fall off doesn't mean you can look presentable in it with your muffin top and your newfound megaboobs. '

Wow, I guess those of us who can't afford Louboutins or Prada have to go round looking like shit all the time then Hmm.

My shape changed, but well, I don't have a muffin top or 'megaboobs' after 3 kids and being closer to 50 than 40 because I work hard at keeping fit.

Luckily I don't hang round a load of jumped up snobby twats who look down on someone for wearing Shock non-designer clothes (does Mountain Hardware count?).

YABU, OP. Give over. It's his brother's stag do. Besides, he might not even be getting pissed, maybe he's indulging in some other vice. Or not.

bananafanana1 · 18/09/2017 08:48

It's his brother. If you have the money he should go. The carpet can wait, memories are more important.

I'd be distraught if my DP made a fuss about me going on my sisters hen do - as I'm sure you would.

Cut corners elsewhere.

HoneyIshrunktheBiscuit · 18/09/2017 08:48

Everyone keeps talking about £500 but the op hasn't stipulated it was that much has she? She said simply several hundred pounds. That could be as little as £200.

kaytee87 · 18/09/2017 08:50

He has his own spending money he could save out of but the current cost is looking at being £500 plus so he'd have to dip into our family money to afford it.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/09/2017 08:50

Thanks for a the foot anatomy updates. I really had no idea. It isn't anything my friends have talked about, and as my feet didn't change I didn't know it was a "thing".

scrabbler3 · 18/09/2017 08:51

You don't want to be known in the family as the awkward devil who refused to let DH attend his brother's stag on cost grounds, having bought a shedload of Boden rather than joining a gym and eating fewer pies. I know this isn't how it is (the ribcage and apron thing resonates with me) but it's how it comes across, as evidenced by many of the replies on here.

Destination stags and hens can be annoying, particularly when many of the invitees have children and mortgages, but when it's a sibling or very close friend every effort should be made to attend I think, unless it's going to put your family at financial risk.

RB68 · 18/09/2017 08:55

I think he needs to go as brother but you need to discuss and agree the amount he can have from joint funds and its not for the whole amount. He needs to sacrifice himself as well as it being a joint thing. Am afraid I agree with the clothes thing - a necessity if spend within reason - my clothes come from around 150 vouchers a yr so I am not in the designer camp BUT I do see the need for him to go on his brothers do. His brother is being a bit of an idiot having such an expensive do but I find this with young and singles - no appreciation for the family life stuff and lots of talk about being under the thumb which doesn't help

sharklovers · 18/09/2017 08:59

It'll be £500 worth of booze and lap dances but he'll have a great time! There's no way he can miss his own brother's stag.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 09:01

I'd be furious if my husband spent that much on a weekend without the family

Really? See I'm the opposite, I'd be furious if my husband dared to attempt to tell me what I could and could not do and what I could and could not spend money on. Really furious. As in LT CONTROLLING B type furious. As well as utterly gobsmacked that I had ever got involved with someone who would do that. I'm all grown up and can make my own decisions now you see.

You'd hate us, I go on trips with friends often. He's currently on a golfing holiday. We also are renovating and we budget to both enjoy our lives and do what we need to do. For us it's about balance.

But then neither of us control the other.....

ReanimatedSGB · 18/09/2017 09:06

This is the sort of controlling attitude that ends marriages, OP. Something as important as a sibling's pre-wedding party being spoiled by a whining spouse insisting that money be spent on fancy wallpaper and cushions instead is not going to be forgotten. If you carry on insisting that you are the only one who gets to make all the decisions, your partner will, sooner or later, have had enough and will dump you.
BTW, who's the higher earner? I know all money should be family money, etc, but if he's the one earning more and you are spending more on yourself but trying to forbid him to spend anything on himself, he's going to percieve you as greedy and selfish as well as controlling.

MarcelineTheVampire · 18/09/2017 09:10

OP I think you have been getting a harsh time but do think it's the tone and subsequent posts rather than the original AIBU question.

I hate the new trend of going abroad and spending a fortune on stag/hen doos and so does my DP. However, for DP brother he made an exception - it cost in excess of £500, I was quite pregnant at the time (saving for maternity), we had just bought a house (which needed decorating) but it was his brother and I would never have made an objection to him going- however much it riled me.

OP YANBU to be annoyed but YWBU to stop him going!!

flownthecoopkiwi · 18/09/2017 09:13

He should go. You obviously have different priorities as well as some shared family ones. I buy clothes and shoes, not expensive ones, while my DH will spend £1k on a new camera or gadgets. Different priorities and different spending habits but they are both important to our happiness.

Not sure I would call either an 'investment for the family' though...

Might rebrand my Mulberry handbag as that though, 'ooh, I bought it for the FAMILY so I'm taken SERIOUSLY as work'. Ha!

Sayyouwill · 18/09/2017 09:15

@Theselfishwife I trust you sold a lot of your old clothes? That would make sense to me as every penny counts and it was a necessity for you to buy a whole new wardrobe. I managed to make a few hundred selling my wardrobe when this happened to me.

Never, ever, would I expect my DH to miss his brothers stag do. I think you're being incredibly selfish. It obviously means a lot to him and his brother, but doesnt mean anything to you therefore he is wrong. Let the poor man have a bit of fun.

Gazelda · 18/09/2017 09:17

If it were to put you in real financial hardship, then I'd say you have a point.
But it appears that by going, the cost will put your decoration plans back by a few months. So YABU.
Do you want to be known as the wife who stopped her husband from going on his brothers stag?
Do you want your husband to resent you for spending any money in a way that he sees is frivolous?

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:25

@CosyFires Only on MN would it be acceptable for a man to spend £500+ on a stag but rip into a woman who spent money on cloths she NEEDED after having a baby

This.

Dipping into family funds for an overpriced jolly is totally the same as having clothes that fit for the workplace. Hmm

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 09:27

It's not a 'jolly', it's his brother's stag do. And it's not as if the family is going to be on porridge and baked beans kipping on the floor as a result of it, it just means a new carpet and some furnishings have to wait a few months.

ToesInWater · 18/09/2017 09:32

YABU and you sound pretty controlling, it's his brother not some random.

I totally agree that the whole Hen/Stag thing has got ridiculous but the idea of your DH having to tell his brother that he had to miss his stag do because his wife didn't want him to spend the money would be totally humiliating. Only other option would be to lie which really isn't a nice choice to give him.