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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
gingertigercat · 18/09/2017 07:26

Let him go. It's his brother ffs.

If you're that concerned about money maybe agree on a set budget to come from the family money, with the rest being taken from his personal spending money.

MistressPage · 18/09/2017 07:28

What is this ludicrous new thing where Hen and Stag parties have to be a full on expensive holiday abroad? What's wrong with a night out?

Gorgosparta · 18/09/2017 07:32

Have any of you ever stopped to consider that the OP's family don't actually have a lot of money?

Why would we? The op hasnt said that. She has said it will put back some plans for weeks.

And trust me, if it was a case of not having any money for it, the op wouldnt be sneering at primark.

I am sat in a next dress havung a coffee before work. In the past when we have had no money its been primark and thats had to do.

You dont got spending money you dont have and they claim you had to because its an investment in your family.

TheNaze73 · 18/09/2017 07:34

YABVU.

I think you sound quite controlling OP.

Did you actually suggest an alternative stag do, on your agenda to his brother or was that a joke??

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 07:34

If this is real. Then I suspect its sod all to do with money, she just doesn't want him to go, much better to have him go on a nice quiet night out with the brother and then home to bed with her where she knows where he is.

Alternatively itf it is about the money then it's all the money coming in is for her, their child, their home, oh and yes her, and he's allowed fuck all. It's all hers hers hers.

Insecure, selfish or grabby. Hmm

OnionKnight · 18/09/2017 07:35

It's his brother.

I'd be a bit Hmm if my wife said I couldn't attend my brother's stag do.

Outlookmainlyfair · 18/09/2017 07:36

Sorry, you are. It is his brother and it is more than just going out to get pissed.

Taylor22 · 18/09/2017 07:44

If I were him i wouldn't TTC with you again. Why should money be put aside so you can have the pro lodge or staying at home with your baby.
If there's not enough money for one special occasion then I'd say there's not enough for a baby.

I could not live my life with no excursions or treats or just being able to enjoy myself.

SemiNormal · 18/09/2017 07:45

I DON'T think you are in any way unreasonable for buying yourself new clothes. When I had my son I lived in joggers and TShirts for comfort, if that wasn't an option for me then I would have bought expensive clothes that fit me well too - and I say this as someone who lives in charity shop clothes!

I DO think you're being unreasonable about the stag though. The main reason being is that life is so, so short and you only get one of them! Who knows what will happen in the next 10 years, if his brother passed away he'd have some amazing memories of their holiday together - you can't put a price on that. If something did happen and he didn't go he could end up feeling quite resentful, especially if meeting with friends who would reminisce about the fun they had on the stag do. I know my reasoning might sound odd to some people but recently lost a friend and it's really made me think a lot about how short life is and how we need to grab opportunities as and when we can.

MrLovebucket · 18/09/2017 07:49

YABU because it's his brother. Can you imagine if the groom's brother is the only one who's effectively 'not allowed' to go?

YANBU to buy new clothes and shoes (didn't RTFT so not sure why your feet grew and never went back to pre-birth size)

I rarely buy new clothes, I'm one of those dreary people who buy second hand (ebay, charity shops). I have loads of clothes by Desigual, Monsoon, White Stuff, Jane Norman etc. which are in really good condition and cost less than £10 per item but I appreciate not everyone wants to buy second hand.

CheeseCrackersAndWine · 18/09/2017 07:50

I am not a fan of extravagant weekends abroad for hen/stag do's but it's his brother and unless it means you can't pay your bills then YABU. It's his brother and a one off.

I also don't think you were being unreasonable to buy new clothes, but in my opinion the two are unrelated.

Is it the money you have an issue with or is it the stag do? As it seems you just don't want him to go.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 07:56

Interesting first post combined with choice of username.

This thread is perfect DM fodder, perfectly fed by the OP.... Just sayin'...

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/09/2017 07:56

A bit difficult when it's his own brother rather than just a friend. If you genuinely couldn't afford it, or would have to get into debt to pay for it, then I would not think you were BU at all.

Having said that, I do think hen/stag dos have got ridiculously out of hand. If the bride/groom knows for certain that everyone can easily afford it, that's one thing, but too often that's not the case. Just attending a wedding can often be expensive enough, and it's not just the money for hen/stag - often it's days of precious leave, too. Which again is one thing if you're single, and another if you're not and have kids.

Appuskidu · 18/09/2017 07:59

How much was your new wardrobe?

44PumpLane · 18/09/2017 08:03

YANBU to buy yourself new clothes- body shape changes post pregnancy and when I go back to work I will also have to buy new clothing so I feel good about how I look post twins.

My wardrobe will no doubt be furnished with Primark, Asda, M&S and perhaps Dorothy Perkins. I work in a management role in a professional job. I couldn't justify a large spend on clothing for myself because I prioritise holidays, that's my personal choice.
I do agree though that when your body shape changes so dramatically sometimes it's nicer to have nicer things to make you feel good about yourself- there is nothing wrong with that.

However YWBVU to stop your DH going on his DBs stag if your DH wants to go.
Assuming it's a one time only deal, and if everyone is going he will miss out on a crucial chance to bond with his DB and the rest of the wedding party.
When you attend a stag or hen do it can really make the wedding itself truly amazing, catching up with people, sharing in jokes, mentions in the speeches etc.

If you are trying to save for potentially TTC and house renovations I don't think it would be the end of the world for those to be pushed back a few months.

You need to let your DH know you think he should go as otherwise I suspect this could cause resentment (regardless of whether he goes or not)!

Ifonlylifewasimple · 18/09/2017 08:07

YABU its his brother and a one off.

Are you jealous of him having this weekend away, free from responsibilities and simply having fun?

Life is about balance. Of course you need to save for big things like a house renovation but 'living life' shouldn't be put on hold to achieve it, it will just breed resentment. I experienced this a lot with my ex, he was all about long-term saving and pension pots, and eventually I found him so boring it destroyed us.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 08:12

But no one has said he should have gone at the expense of OP getting new clothes etc, just that it is unfair to spend lots of money on clothes and then say no to DH spending money on a stag do.

If they couldn't afford it, she a- would have said this and b - would maybe not have been in the position to spend lots on clothing, thus being forced into the cheaper supermarkets / Primark / charity shops.

It doesn't sound like he spends money on himself very often, and OP has not come back to say oh he gambles/drinks excessively/buy anything for himself ever. To begrudge him £500 for his brothers stag do just suggests to me that OP sees all 'family money' as her own to decide what to spend it on.

rachrach2 · 18/09/2017 08:13

£500 is ridiculous - if someone wants a £500 stag they should be totally understanding of those who don't want to spend that much money on it! I'd be furious if my husband spent that much on a weekend without the family. It's hard though if your husband feels that's perfectly acceptable.

Also, my sister didn't come to my hen do (we are very close), and I had no hard feelings and totally understood (it wasn't a money thing, she was just tired from her 4 month old so I said to her I didn't mind if it was just too much for her to come and she was grateful).

Softkittysillykitty · 18/09/2017 08:21

This has got to be a reverse. It is isn't it OP.

dontslouchdarling · 18/09/2017 08:21

What Jacks11 said.

He should fund it put if his own spending money. You should also buy clothes out of yours. Any dipping into the family pot should be discussed including how the money spent from it can be replenished and in what time frame (i.e. he pays a bit extra into the family pot to cover it over the next few months).

But unless you are going to be unable to buy essentials if he goes or he makes a habit out of it I can't see why you'd want to stop him. It's a one off.

5rivers7hills · 18/09/2017 08:21

£500 isn't much to spend on a stag do really in the grand scheme of things if you can afford it.

Which this guy can, his wife just doesn't think he should spend any money ever on himself.

if I were your DH I'd be delaying TTC with you so we could have a bit more spare cash to do occasional fun things.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/09/2017 08:23

"body shape changes post pregnancy"

It isn't a given that everyone's does though.

I am intrigued about shoe size though. Is it quite common to change foot size during and after pregnancy? This never happened to me.

I'm on the fence about the OP's original question. It is unfair for the husband not to attend his brother's stag, but I also think it is unfair for him to have an expensive stag do in the first place.

Groovee · 18/09/2017 08:26

This is one situation which I think you just need to suck up. It's a one off!

Groovee · 18/09/2017 08:27

@LoniceraJaponica my feet swelled in my pregnancy with Ds. I had quite bad swelling with him compared to my swelling in pre-eclampsia with Dd.

I have lost 4st and my size 6's no longer fit! 😳

LoniceraJaponica · 18/09/2017 08:29

Sounds painful. So are your feet smaller or larger now?