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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
PhelanGood · 18/09/2017 09:35

Bless you OP... I think some posters are being very harsh on you to be honest. Firstly your husband is being a knob trying to compare you buying clothes you need to time to himself with the lads! Harsh! Who buys and looks after his clothes, I wonder..

You don't sound like a controlling bitch at all, just genuinely worried, nobody here knows you or your husband, what he's like when he's drunk, if he's good at keeping in touch when away, or whatever. Stags are notorious for booze, drugs, strippers and many men have an attitude of what goes on tour stays on tour... not a nice atmosphere, though it sounds like you trust him and this isn't an issue at all, which makes you less controlling than many women imo! But it's his brother's, he really needs to go or he will never be forgiven and you will, fairly or not, get a reputation as controlling :( and we all need time away to let our hair down. Do you get much time to yourself? It sounds like your life is packed but not a lot of it is much fun, and if he never gives you a break and now is expecting this - well I'd be resentful.

Most of us would probably not be over the moon if our other halves were to go away on expensive holidays boozing while we were left holding the baby, for any reason. Though personally I'd appreciate the time to myself 😉 I would ask that he kept in touch though at least a phone call each day, and kept the drinking to a minimum, I don't see it as massively responsible when parents go on a bender, there are a lot of risks, especially in an unfamiliar place - I was lucky my mum wasn't a drinker.
However even though I'd personally hate it, and silently worry, I'd grin and bear it in this case and in fact just make the best of it....get some friends over n have a girly night in. And he will owe you a sunny weekend away with the girls, make damn sure you take it.

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:39

It's not a 'jolly', it's his brother's stag do.

Its still a drinking weekend. I know its his brother but honestly Stag/Hen do's have gotten totally out of control and overpriced. I routinely hear young colleagues and young friends of my children worrying about affording these overpriced jollies. Where for a regular holiday they would simply say 'no', for these events they feel obliged and even go into debt for them. Its materialism gone batshit.

The point is also he isn't paying for it out of his spending money, its money they have jointly saved for renovations (which may be carpets or it may be plumbing - we don't know). It isn't 'his' money to spend that way. To compare a drinking weekend with having clothes for work is not a fair comparison.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 09:44

C8H10N4O2 Actually the OP said it would be paid for with his spending money but would need to dip into the family savings to make up some.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/09/2017 09:46

A stag do is a jolly Hmm

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 09:47

It is his brother though. I have put on weight and I didn't buy a whole new wardrobe. Just a few pairs of jeans and teeshirts and I got smart work clothes from EBay

I think you are being a misery.

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 09:49

Eamonn Grin you are naughty. Grin

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:50

@StickThatInYourPipe ah yes I have misread that bit. So part of its coming from family money, part from his. Honestly my view on overpriced stags remains the same and comparing a stag do with buy clothes for work is ridiculous. If he can do it without dipping into family money then its simply a matter of agreeing an absence between them but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 09:52

Just because you would t want to do it, don't approve if hens and stags and possibly don't like his brother, doesn't mean you are right.

I am an unsociable arse a lot of the time but I can appreciate that is my choice and not other people's. You sound joyless. Like a Fun Hoover sucking the joy out of life.

Is there something else going in here? Are you worried about DH cheating or taking drugs or something?

C8H10N4O2 · 18/09/2017 09:52

I have put on weight and I didn't buy a whole new wardrobe. Just a few pairs of jeans and teeshirts and I got smart work clothes from EBay

Well take a housepoint then.
I lost weight due to pregnancy and still had to replace most of my work clothes as my body shape had changed and none of my fitted clothes fitted. But totally, the OP should make do with SH clothes to finance a drinking weekend for which, at time of returning to work, she probably didn't even know the budget

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 09:58

DH has a mate who has a fabulous villa overseas. He spends one week a year with him in the villa. We rarely go on holiday as dd has a chronic illness needing care and attention most of the time.

I 'let' him go because I realise life can be hard and everyone needs a break. It prob costs about a grand as is long-haul. I could use that money for other things but DH de-stressing and not being a grumpy withdrawn arse is worth that money. If I had a mate with a villa I would expect to be allowed to go with his blessing too.

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 10:02

Ttbb how do you know she is in a high flying job? She hasn't actually said what she does just made snobby remarks. Her high end may be my blue collar. Hope it isn't HR or managing people!

PhelanGood · 18/09/2017 10:03

Exactly @C8H10N4O2 - expensive work clothes from a quality brand are a worthwhile and sensible investment that could save money in the long run, as well as allowing her to look smart and feel confident in her job. Primarni would likely fall apart after a few washes (in my experience) and second hand is hit n miss, there's no guarantee they'll have what you need in your size, in perfect condition.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 10:04

Gosh, then a wedding's a jolly, too. Any event where there might be, Heaven forbid! Let me grab my pearls!, drinking is a 'jolly'. I'm the first person who finds weddings a waste of time - why spend money when you can elope to the registry? and stag/hen do's abroad a complete waste. I hardly drink these days, either, as it's harder for me to tolerate as I age. But other people value this kind of shit, I see, and it's his brother, not some random colleague. And it's not causing the family undue hardship. We decline such invitations as going would mean no money for heating or kid's stuff, but this is a new carpet and some furnishings being put off for a few months.

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 10:05

She needs expensive clothes because she is a funny shape and only expensive clothes fit her?Confused

My experience is high end clothes tend to be for thinner, fitter people. Cheaper clothes are for the fat commoners.

JigglyTuff · 18/09/2017 10:06

I actually think this is one of those occasions when you have to accept that sometimes fun stuff comes before dull things. It's his brother's stag do. Yes, it's annoying that it's expensive but that's life.

I'm another one whose feet got bigger and never went back again after pregnancy. And I only put on 1.5 stone and lost it within the year.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 10:06

Primark clothes don't fall apart any faster than other clothes. Just an excuse to spunk more money up a wall on clothes. See? Some people think spending any more money than necessary on clothes is a waste. Others think spending it on weekends away with your siblings is a waste. Horse for courses.

BellyDancer124 · 18/09/2017 10:09

I'm totally missing the point of the thread here.. but I can't get my head around Next/M+S being considered by OP as expensive or high end?? I wish Next was high end because I'd be walking around dressed like a supermodel if so Grin

Oh and YABVU OPConfused

everythingsucks · 18/09/2017 10:11

Thanks C8H. I'll take the housepoint.

And in return have this Biscuit

greendale17 · 18/09/2017 10:11

"If this was a woman posting her DH wouldn't allow her to go on her sisters hen party, but he spent £££ on clothes MN would be screaming LTB and financial abuse"

^This

YABU

ALittleMop · 18/09/2017 10:13

You've had a tirade OP

You are being unreasonable
£500 (and the rest I would bet) is still not that much. Yep its a jolly, yep its an expense you hadn't factored in. But in as much as stag dos and hen dos and indeed weddings are overhyped and expect too much of their guests - we all need a little fun in our lives, it's his brother, he needs to go and you need to be at one with it.

However, I would say if he is sniping at you for buying new clothes that is equally joyless behaviour and also bordering on the controlling

Perhaps you both also need a bit of fun together?

PhelanGood · 18/09/2017 10:15

@expatinscotland - we will have to agree to differ on this! With the odd exception I've found Primark clothes terrible quality. Zips break easily, seams snap more easily, they often lose their shape after washing and they don't seem cut very well on the whole. This is my experience anyway

flownthecoopkiwi · 18/09/2017 10:16

on their death beds, your DH will smile at the thought of his brothers stag do and the memories. He's unlikely to be thinking about the carpet.

expatinscotland · 18/09/2017 10:18

I have Primark clothes I've been wearing often for years and clothes from high end shops that fell apart months later. As for them being an investment when you're planning to have another child and your shaped changed drastically after the previous one, it would strike me as a false economy to spend above the minimum necessary.

DO3271 · 18/09/2017 10:19

OP: Am I being unreasonable?
Most posters: Yes.
OP: No I'm not!!

Why post here if you just want people to side with you? You are being unfair. This is his brother and he's goibf to look like a twat when he says 'sorry, can't go, I'm not allowed'. Have your opinion by all means, say he has to curb spending elsewhere for a while, help him find a way and work with him. You're not his mother.

cathf · 18/09/2017 10:21

OP: My DH says I can't go on my sister's hen weekend, because we need to spend the money on decorating the house. We d have the money, but it would put our decorating plans back a few months. He, on the other hand, has lost weight and just spent £££s on a complete new wardrobe for himself.

NM: How controlling, leave him OP. You have every right to spend FAMILY MONEY they way you want to spend it. If he doesn't let you, that's financial abuse.