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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 06:30

A Tesco suit is really not at all professional, if she is in a high flying job then she would be expected to wear real suits, but then again if she were in a high flying job she wouldn't begrudge her husband a few hundred quid for a weekend away.

Agreed.

My brother is a stingy arse. He's in a traditional profession and brags that he earns 200k all in yet he wears m&s washable trousers and ties and doesn't own a suit jacket.

I have no issue with you buying nice clothes for work. But please don't say they are absolutely essential. They are essential to make you feel nice and valued. In the same way that your dh wants to go on the stag do to feel nice and valued. Different people, different drives.

Yabvu.

Brittbugs80 · 18/09/2017 06:33

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

Of course he has to go, it's his brother, it's his family.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave

If he was doing it every weekend then fair enough. This is one stag weekend.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe

Fair enough you needed new clothes. You didn't have to buy expensive clothes though.

Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear

How much are you spending on clothes and how often are you buying them? Will the same happen again after the second is born, will you go out and spend on clothes and buy a whole new wardrobe because nothing fits?

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

Do you honestly feel your families well being is being compromised by a stag weekend? Does this stage weekend mean that your family won't be able to take a holiday or renovate the house at all or is it a case you can't holiday until next year and the house renovation may be extended by a month or two?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there

The stag is his brother. He should be there. It's probably a big thing for him to see his brother getting Married and wants to share this with him. His family don't become obsolete because he has a family with you.

Who IBU

You are unless there's a drip feed coming about how you are destitute, are struggling to pay bills etc.

And it's true, I've seen posters on here being told to ltb and get a divorce for their husbands doing a lot less than you telling your DH he can only spend money on things that benefit the family.

Failbydefault · 18/09/2017 06:36

Aside from all the arguments about who spends family money on what, and difference in opinion on what constitutes acceptable spending, how long, realistically, will it take you to re-save the £500 to renovate the room? Are they other ways you and your DH could cut back to recoup this expense more quickly. It sounds like the worst thing that could happen if your DH goes on the stag is that there is a delay in the renovations. Is this worth creating drama and resentment in your marriage?

Dancinggoat · 18/09/2017 06:38

Your reason for him not going maybe is what is your priority and may be not his.

Memories are important too.

It's his brother.

You sound like you expected us to all agree with you.

Brittbugs80 · 18/09/2017 06:39

I had nothing to wear but maternity clothes so I bought new clothes to wear as nothing fitted, it was a necessity I've tried to buy as capsule a wardrobe as I can buy I literally expanded so have had to have new shoes, underwear, casual and work clothes

I'm struggling with this. I really am. I changed shape after baby, but for the first few weeks, actually longer, I still work my maternity clothes then brought things I needed as and when, new bras were the first then a pair of jeans then a couple of tops. I certainly didn't go out and buy a ton of new clothes and then sub categories of clothes such as work and casual like you seem to have done. And again, I'm guessing this will be repeated after child two?

You just sound a bit controlling to be honest.

WomblingThree · 18/09/2017 06:40

Hang on, why are people discussing Louboutins and fancy watches. The OP's "high end capsule wardrobe" came from Next and M&S ffs. OP, YABVU to imagine that Next comes from a higher end sweatshop factory than bloody Primark!

Justdontknow4321 · 18/09/2017 06:44

Pretty much every reply for 7 whole pages have said yabu.

Take notice.

You sound extremely controlling, just because you think abroad stags are a waste of money doesn't mean he does. Telling them to arrange something cheaper as well, shocking.

You both can clearly afford it as you need 'high end' clothes for your job which as your being so cagey about how much you spent must of been at least over £500! so must be earning a good wage and you have already said your partner works hard so for god sake let him enjoy himself.
Oh, and your wardrobe isn't a family investment for god sake.

There is no way I would miss a sisters stag do, and if my partner said I couldn't go I would be livid and I would still go. End off. It's not putting you in financial hardship so stop being a bloody nag and let your partner enjoy his brothers stag do.

Yabu
Yabu
Yabu

And just once more as you don't seem to get it.

YABU

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 06:46

Blimey, I hope this isn't real, one of the more selfish and unreasonable threads I've seen.

Yes sweetie, he should miss his brothers stag do, it's all about you. Why should he have any enjoyment in his life, even as a one off. Fuck that, right.

Next thread by the op, my husband has met someone else and left me,,,it was so out the blue. He says I'm selfish and controlling, and he just couldn't take it anymore. I even made him miss his brothers stag do.

Enjoy you're whole new wardrobe. You're so lucky, most of us had babies and couldn't afford to do that.

Oh and it's not the money is it, you just don't want him to go.

Brittbugs80 · 18/09/2017 06:46

and I will wear those clothes for the next few years

Until planned number two arrives and you need to replace your while wardrobe again.

The more I read, the worse you sound!

LordPercy · 18/09/2017 06:48

I love these AIBU

OP - IAIBU
Consensus - YES
OP- But/no I'm not/flounce (any selection of these)

You sound hard work OP and very ME ME ME Hmm

thenewaveragebear1983 · 18/09/2017 06:50

He's going to go anyway. The question is if he's going to go with your blessing, or go off with you in a rage, moan about you all weekend, and you'll only find out when all the lads call you 'thumb' at your dh's bro's wedding. (As in, 'under the....')

I've been left behind many times when Dh has gone on stag dos. We were one of the first to get married and Dh went to Vegas, so unfortunately that means lots of reciprocating.

Your Dh really should go to his bro's stag and YABU.

Therealslimshady1 · 18/09/2017 06:55

Well, what I want to know is: What sort of job requires you to spend £££ on clothes, yet does not give you the salary to spend £££ on clothes?

Your DH should go, it is his brother, and you spend money on yourself too

PetalMettle · 18/09/2017 06:58

I'm going to go against the grain here....

Of course I'm not. It's his brother, he has to go, unless it would literally mean you stealing money to buy the tickets.
I hate destination weddings/stags but when it's family you have to suck it up.
There's been some awful comments to the OP though re her size.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 18/09/2017 06:59

It's his brother . He has to go really . Imagine the decades of silent family resentment if you prevent him from going ! Sorry but you have to let this one slide

user1499333856 · 18/09/2017 06:59

My husband is a high earner and that seemingly entitles him to a new suit every 5 months, and replacement brogues when he likes. Briefcases, designer glasses, socks, multiple shirts. It runs to hundreds and hundreds each year. Up to a point he needs them but after a while it's also vanity.

Likewise, I also have a professional role but the difference is: I make do. After I had kids I had no clothes whatsoever. I made do. You can decide how to spend your money and give thought to the entire family budget - because your DHs brother's stag do needs to come out of the family budget. Because it's the right thing to do, because you are meant to want him to be happy and not look like a prick in front of everyone.

What's the point of your very important professional job if you can't afford for the family to participate in these kind of one off, special events? What are you working for exactly?

Your renovations might need to take a bit longer but that's infinitely better than having a miserable husband who you've embarrassed. And if this was on the other foot, and it was him telling you that you couldn't go then there would be all sorts of cries of abuse and control.

If you want a good marriage then you should unclench a little.

SnowiestMountain · 18/09/2017 07:03

OP you're digging a bigger hole every time you post. Perhaps just accept YABU, let him go and move on.

BR62Y · 18/09/2017 07:05

Yabu: it is his brother. If it were me I would be going whether you liked it or not.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 07:09

yeah I agree the size bashing has been awful. That's why I wondered if it was a troll as it's one of those issues that's going to bring out the 'you should've tried harder to lose the baby weight' commenters and the dangle of the DH implying the same, and the comments about cheap clothes looking bad.

I do agree with math, there are certain more expensive high street brands that are much better at hiding mum-tums and big bottoms. My hips never moved back in - I'm the same size now, but not the same shape.

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 07:12

user1499333856 and maybe you should talk to your H about reining himself in so you can buy nice things rather than telling other women they should skimp on themselves?

Happydoingitjusttheonce · 18/09/2017 07:14

OP it sounds like there's no slack in your plan. Baby no 1, back to work, do up house, save for baby no 2, have baby no 2, back to work...

If you both work in professional jobs then you need to also be enjoying the fruits of that a little along the way or resentment will breed. Is he as wedded to the timetable as you are?

CosyFires · 18/09/2017 07:14

Have any of you ever stopped to consider that the OP's family don't actually have a lot of money? We're poor and usually shop in primary, Asda and matalan, so we consider places like next, m&s, river island etc high end and expensive.. Maybe the OP does too.

You can't compare buying new clothes after your body has changed shape after childbirth to a piss up abroad.

Ragwort · 18/09/2017 07:21

As others have said, you sound totally controlling - project managing your life so that you schedule in planning to conceive and when to buy a new carpet Hmm - lighten up - you obviously enjoy your new clothes, let your DH enjoy a weekend away.

Cosy - although I agree with you (and personally only ever shop in charity shops) from the tone of the Op's posts I assume she thinks shopping in Next & M & S is really rather ordinary.

WomblingThree · 18/09/2017 07:22

No, but you don't have to pretend that new clothes are "an investment in your family" either 🙄

AccrualIntentions · 18/09/2017 07:24

@CosyFires That seems unlikely though, given that the OP says her job makes wearing clothes from Primark or Asda unacceptable.

I'm a higher rate taxpayer in a professional job where I could absolutely wear a Tesco suit and still be taken seriously. I don't, because I don't want to, but I could. I have dresses from Primark though.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 07:25

StickThatInYourPipe be real. A Tesco suit is really not at all professional, if she is in a high flying job then she would be expected to wear real suits, but then again if she were in a high flying job she wouldn't begrudge her husband a few hundred quid for a weekend away

Yeah that was my point.