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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Motoko · 18/09/2017 19:22

Sorry Phelan, the snobby comment was more aimed at the way the OP came across about Primark, although I did want to point out that their clothes aren't necessarily bad quality. Don't feel embarrassed, I should have clarified. Sorry it felt like I was having a go at you. Flowers

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/09/2017 19:45

My dad was a director in a well known national company and he bought a lot of his suits from ebay! Otherwise they came from M&S.

niccyb · 18/09/2017 19:47

I'm not being funny but it's his brothers stag do so he can't exactly NOT go. but did you really need a full wardrobe?? Are u planning to stay at the weight u gained? If not it was a bit of a waste of money.
Is there another reason as to why you don't want him to go perhaps.
If it was your family such would u still same the same.

Bluntness100 · 18/09/2017 19:54

Who buys and looks after his clothes, I wonder

Please some one tell me I didn't just read this and the insinuation is not she buys his clothes and looks after them.

please tell me this everyday sexist shite from the fifties is not being posted on here in 2017.

Anyone? .Shock

RaspberryBeret34 · 18/09/2017 19:55

It depends - if you have to wait a year or 2 extra to ttc dc2 and are struggling month to month then that's a clear no! If it's just be an extra month of saving, giving it's his brothers stag, I'd wave him off cheerfully in the knowledge I'd be able to have a lovely weekend away if the opportunity arose.

Tiredmum100 · 18/09/2017 20:02

I get what you're saying but personally think YABU. I went on a hen this year abroad cost £300, two years ago another hen abroad, although a bit cheaper. My hubby stayed home with our dc. It's his brother. He should go and enjoy himself.

PhelanGood · 18/09/2017 21:46

@bluntness100 how is this sexist! Surely none of you ladies let your hubby choose his own clothes? Most guys haven't a clue. Mine had been wearing the wrong size for nearly a decade before meeting me!

Joking aside
I do actually wonder who buys his clothes, is he a stripper, does he walk round naked? Presumably he has a wardrobe too. It's tight that he's trying to suggest his wife is being decadent by having a set of garbs that fit.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 18/09/2017 23:19

Er when did the OP last post? Hmm

HaveAWeeNap · 18/09/2017 23:51

In response to me just before midnight last night... do I win the thread?

AtSea1979 · 18/09/2017 23:55

YABU. You are using the renovation as an excuse. It's his brother, if he wants to go he should. He's an adult, don't tell him what to do.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 19/09/2017 00:11

Yes weenap you do indeed win and your prize is this Glitterball and Cake and some Gin to wash it down Grin

mathanxiety · 19/09/2017 00:53

Indeed, Ginger, but not everyone loses the baby weight easily. Lots of women are still carrying extra weight when their babies are toddlers, or they have returned to about their pre pregnancy weight only to find it is redistributed and they now have a muffin top that won't budge, a derriere that has increased three sizes or boobs that are bigger and pointing in a different direction, and feet that have permanently expanded. That is still a post pregnancy body issue.

I am sure your dad never had a body that changed after pregnancy, Pyongyang.

It's tight that he's trying to suggest his wife is being decadent by having a set of garbs that fit.
I agree with this Phelan, and I think it is both an indication that he looks down his nose at her job and what it requires or doesn't understand or care what her job requires, and a personal dig at her for still carrying baby weight or for having a changed body shape after pregnancy.

Nobody has the right to have a go at the woman who has brought your baby into the world on the basis that that experience has resulted in a changed body which has required new clothes. It's mean-spirited, and it's a very stinging and controlling criticism, and it is something that can derail a relationship because it is incredibly unfair.

The only person being controlling here is the H. We don't know if he objected to the clothing at the time it was all being bought, but if he didn't speak up at the time he is being very unreasonable for storing up a grudge and using it to argue the tit for tat case that he seems to have made, and if he did object at the time then he was being unreasonable too - it is not an indulgence to buy yourself a new wardrobe when your work demands a level of smartness and your body has changed because of pregnancy.

Terraviva · 19/09/2017 01:39

It's his brother's stag do. Unless he has loads of brothers, or his brother has been married before, YABVU

just5morepeas · 19/09/2017 02:00

yanbu! I can't believe the stick you're getting.

I'm not a big fan of unnecessarily expensive hen and stags. If all they're going to do is get pissed they can do that at home. idgi.

but you know, fair enough, different strokes and all that. But when you've got a family they come first.

Also, I'd love to know where all these people live/work where you can wear cheepo suits/workwear and no one can tell and it doesn't matter and no one judges you for it - but I wish I lived there too!

HaveAWeeNap · 19/09/2017 06:31

Thanks fluffypink! I never win anything Grin

Nuttynoo · 19/09/2017 06:42

How much did you spend on your new 'fat' wardrobe which I presume is temporary? I work in the city on a 6 figure salary and live in Hobbs clothes but I can afford it, when you can't you buy a few things carefully. I certainly wouldn't have spent hundreds of pounds on a temporary wardrobe. I think you need to live by your own sword. Let him go to his brother's stag do, or return your clothes and expect him to sacrifice too. You cannot be spending hundreds and then begrudge him the same.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 19/09/2017 07:00

How much did you spend on your new 'fat' wardrobe which I presume is temporary?

🚨 🚨🚨 mean girl comment alert !

I wont comment on the rest of your comment as that would bring me to your level Hmm

gingergenius · 19/09/2017 07:18

@mathanxiety yes. I understand the new body shape thing. Got 3 kids myself so read you loud and clear. It was just that some posters were making the assumption that she was newly postpartum and getting up in arms about her just having given birth to a newborn etc which is not the case. It's not a good idea to let fantasy scenarios fuel the argument. Best to stick to the facts as we know them.

StickThatInYourPipe · 19/09/2017 07:46

gingergenius see that is what I am thinking about this thread too. Surely if the child is a toddler the OP would have bought the new wardrobe ages ago!

I don't see how the H is controlling for making a comment that he doesn't spend money on himself or buy himself expensive clothes etc. In my house basic work clothes would come out of the family money, like groceries etc, these are essentials. If I wanted a new dress which cost a little more, I would save up from my weekly spending money, as DP would with something he wanted.

The way I have read all of OPs comments is that she controls the family money, if she wants something she buys it, but if he wants something he has to ask her first and she will say ok if it is for something she approves of. I wouldn't be standing for that if it was my dp!

famousfour · 19/09/2017 08:34

Whilst I also dislike these giant stags, £500 would need to be a very significant part of your disposable income for me to think you were being reasonable. That said if it were a more distant friend (and not his brother) or he was otherwise a spendthrift my answer might be different.

AtHomeDadGlos · 19/09/2017 08:55

Even before my wife and I had a DD I have refused to attend several overseas stag dos. I agree with the OP that £500+ (that probably won't even cover spending money) for a 3/4 night 'weekend' is too much.

Having said that, it is his brother. All you can do is give your DH your opinion and see what he decides.

The clothes issue is a bit of nonsense. You need clothes if your body shape has altered and if you need brands then fair enough. To those posting on here that you can buy clothes in a charity shop...you can, but only if you want to look homeless.

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2017 09:06

The OP is getting a ridiculously hard time here about the clothes....

I can absolutely see where you're coming from, OP - and I fully agree with your view that all these "weekend away" stag parties are over the top, especially when the people invited aren't flush with cash. It just seems to cause unnecessary stress. And if we were talking about Phil from the squash club, or a colleague from work or a friend from university he normally sees once or twice a year, then I could absolutely see where you are coming from.

But it's his brother. The pp above who talked about it as an investment in the family was spot on. Yes - it's irritating if that money could be better spent elsewhere. But the repercussions if you essentially "forbid" him to go will be long lasting and huge. I'd let this one go.

Motoko · 19/09/2017 09:24

To those posting on here that you can buy clothes in a charity shop...you can, but only if you want to look homeless

What rubbish!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 19/09/2017 09:43

To those posting on here that you can buy clothes in a charity shop...you can, but only if you want to look homeless

What a ridiculous thing to say! In a charity shop, you look through the rails and buy things you like and that fit you. You know, just like shopping at any other clothes shop!

They don't give you a pre-packed bag with a miss matched outfit full of holes, either two sizes too small or too big you know! Hmm

LadyinCement · 19/09/2017 09:54

What is the OP going to achieve by "banning" the dh from the stag do? Yes, the money will be saved. But the dh will not be happy. He'll resent the OP. He might be mentioning every time the OP treats herself when he was stopped from doing something he wanted to do.

It is totally different if the dh goes to five stag dos a year or is generally a spendthrift. But for a one-off occasion, unless you are seriously strapped for money, it is mean spirited to say no.

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