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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
TheOtherGirl · 18/09/2017 12:40

This is his brother's stag. I cannot believe you would even consider stopping him going. I would hate to be with someone so controlling and with such a rigid set of criteria for life.

Life changes all the time, things move and events are fluid. You can't slap 3 coats of quick-dry varnish on your very narrow rules and regulations and declare them The Law.

Also I would hate to be with someone who would roll over and let themselves be dictated to like this. How can either of you have any real respect for each other.

TalkinBoutNuthin · 18/09/2017 12:42

Hmm, if this was 'AIBU to tell DH what I think we should be spending our money on, and not let him decide what is important for him?' you'd KNOW YABU, but you deliberately framed it the other way.

You're being controlling. He DOES get a say in how joint money is spent you know, the clue is in the word 'joint'.

LoniceraJaponica · 18/09/2017 12:46

"People go abroad for stag/ hens because it probably actually cheaper than doing it in the uk. I can get flights to europe where stuff is cheaper than a train to london."

Or they could just have a night out in the local town which is even cheaper Hmm. Why does it have to be a whole weekend?

Lethaldrizzle · 18/09/2017 12:46

What you spend on clothes is irrelevant. Of course he should go to his brothers stag, that's a life experience he'll never forget!

KinKinCat · 18/09/2017 12:48

If he really wants to go and it's important to him then he should go.

rachrach2 · 18/09/2017 13:36

Bluntness - that's fine as you agree with each other. If we had more disposable income/time off I'm sure we'd spend some apart too but we both agree we enjoy spending our limited time and holiday money doing stuff together. We also both agree that spending £500 on a stag/hen (well, more than £150) is totally extravagant so we don't. Not controlling as we agree and it's meant we both have missed out but I don't mind. I acknowledged it's different for the OP as they disagree and this is the complication.

rookiemere · 18/09/2017 13:38

I get that it's a whole pain in the ass when others choose how to spend your money no matter how much or how little you have don't get me started on the subject of DH and the wedding suit he apparently had to have e.g. Buy himself for his nephews wedding despite not being part of the wedding party but at some point for close family , unless it is genuinely a matter of no school shoes for DCs or taking out loans for a destination wedding, then at some point you just be the bigger person and suck it up.

Your DH wants to go. The family can afford it. Just agree with good grace . You don't need to buy an expensive wedding outfit by the way I've got wonderful occasion outfits from the charity shop - pure silk Monsoon and phase eight - for less than £20

sharklovers · 18/09/2017 13:45

People go abroad for stag/ hens because it probably actually cheaper than doing it in the uk. I can get flights to europe where stuff is cheaper than a train to London

The lads I know go to Europe because the beer's cheaper and the strippers are cheaper/dirtier. They seem to be the key drivers.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 13:52

My dh went away for a one night stag in the uk a couple of months ago and a 2 night, 3 day jolly with his friends in southern France this weekend to celebrate their respective landmark birthdays. Clearly I should have told dh he wasn't allowed to go Grin. That's it for jollies for the rest of the year now because I need him here being chronically ill myself.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 13:59

rookie
Dh has an expensive suit (Givenchy), which comes out for weddings or special occasions and looks great still after 13ish years. It's an investment piece, maybe the same for your dh. These days, he's mostly in the warehouse instead of customer facing so no need for off the peg designer. More m&s washable trousers 50% off in the sale and no jacket. I was flabbergasted that to buy the suit again, we are looking at 4 figures .

rookiemere · 18/09/2017 14:33

mummy - long story short and slightly off main topic. DH has 3 nice suits he rarely wears. Was instructed to buy £150 suit to wear at the wedding. It is suit that he'd never wear again due to colour and felt like an unnecessary expense on top of travel, stupidity expensive wedding hotel and wedding gift.

When I questioned if he could use one of his existing suits I was told by B2b that he wouldn't match for the photos and that we could sell the suit on eBay after the day. Anyway the situation has resolved itself satisfactorily- don't want to go into too much detail as I've already outed myself.

Anyway the point I was trying to make is that despite my general annoyance over the whole thing and the ridiculousness of people dictating what DH should wear but not paying for it, despite all that I had to take a step back and remind myself that a) people can be irrational and thoughtless about their wedding and b) it's DH family so as it doesn't bankrupt us I need to step back and disengage, which I've tried to do.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2017 14:48

I see rookie. I've never heard of men having to get a specific colour. 🕺

rookiemere · 18/09/2017 15:02

And to be fair to the B&G the intention- I think- was good, in that they wanted DH to feel part of things.

But the subtext- certainly to me - was that they think we're loaded so it's no bother for us to spend that on something that will not be used again.

And this I sense is OPs frustration. BIL by having the stag in Barcelona is choosing to spend absolute minimum of £500 if each attendees money.

But that doesn't give her the right to query the location or to stop her DH from going, and at least a stag do will bring memories unlike a useless pieces of clothing.

purplecorkheart · 18/09/2017 15:16

It is his brother. I think you are being petty not letting him go.

catgirl1976 · 18/09/2017 15:34

DH doesn't go on destination stag dos and nor I on hens. We both think they are a waste of family money and other things like a family holiday would suffer so I am with you there.

However, it is HIS BROTHER. Not a mate from work or an old friend from uni. This makes it completely different and unless you are going to have to get in debt or not eat if he goes, then he has to go.

Obviously you need clothes that fit. You don't need them to be above Primark standard (trust me - I have a very well paying, professional job and many Primarni items in my work wardrobe) and they are not "an investment in your family". They are just clothes, which you need but have nothing to do with him going on this stag.

Mate from work = "I really don't think we can afford it, I would rather you didn't go"

His brother = "Have a lovely time darling"

YABU entirely because it's his brother. The end.

Somerford · 18/09/2017 15:37

I've suggested they do a small family night out but apparently that's not good enough

Jesus. I'm trying to imagine the frame of mind I'd need to be in to challenge someone about the plans for a hen/stag do which I am involved with, and then to be indignant when they didn't take my instructions. I can't imagine that scenario ever unfolding because it's a fucking absurd thing to do. I hope I've misinterpreted this and you suggested this to your DH rather than to his brother.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2017 16:07

Why are people assuming the house renovation and baby number 2 are all the OP's pet projects and she has dictated to her H that he has to go along with those plans of hers?

cathf · 18/09/2017 16:17

It doesn't really matter if they are the OP's projects, a joint decision or even the OH's pet projects for that matter, Maths.
The fact is, the OP is using them as an excuse to control her OH's spending, and for that, SIBVU.

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 17:10

yeah, they are "planning" on TTC but he can't go to his brother's thing because of saving for maternity leave?

Whether or not he wants another child with the OP, that child isn't a reason to not go to his brother's thing now. The child doesn't exist. They haven't even tried to make it exist. They've just talked about it.

It's a bit like saying "you can never do anything for yourself that cost money because I will ALWAYS have something to spend the money on, and if I don't have anything right now to spend it on, we have to keep it in the bank until I do. You can never, ever have any fun while you are married to me."

Why would anyone say that to their spouse?

Sallystyle · 18/09/2017 17:11

I am not a fan of 'if you have had something I should get something back'

In my marriage sometimes dh needs some new clothes or wants something (and vice versa) and I don't expect that I should get something back too. I don't think the clothes even need to be brought into this conversation.

However, if he can make it work then of course he should go. It doesn't sound like you won't be able to afford to eat and pay your bills so it's a bit mean to make him feel bad about going.

TheOtherGirl · 18/09/2017 17:34

Okay, so you say your new clothes are 'an investment in your family.'

Well, trust me, agreeing with a good grace for your DH to go on his brother's stag is a far, far bigger and more important investment in the future wellbeing of your family. This is a lesson you really need to learn.

Motoko · 18/09/2017 17:36

I've noticed that despite being asked, OP hasn't said how much she spent on the clothes. Remember, she's bought a whole new wardrobe of work and casual clothes, underwear and shoes. Her husband said they were expensive. I'm guessing that she spent more than £500, and that's why she hasn't answered the question. I also wonder how much of it came out of the family money, and how much her own.

She's said that her husband can pay for some of the stag do, but will need to dip into the family money, so it's not going to cost the "family" £500. Even if he needs to use £300 of family money, I don't see how that's going to stop the renovations AND the family holiday.

It's his brother's stag, he should go. I'm another one who thinks these week/end long stag and hen dos abroad are too much, but that's what his brother is having, and they can afford it.

I dislike the snobbery against Primark clothes. They aren't necessarily bad quality. I realised the other day, that some of the tops I bought from Primark are over 11 years old and still going strong.

Appuskidu · 18/09/2017 17:41

I'm wondering what professional job precludes wearing supermarket or Primark clothes!

PhelanGood · 18/09/2017 17:45

Just dipping in to say, I was one of the posters above who said my experience of Primark clothing was not great. I'd rather spend more and get more wear our of stuff. Not sure it was me you were talking about but if so it's rude to dismiss us all as snobs for this view. Speaking for myself, firstly I was simply sharing my own experience. Secondly if I was snobby against it I wouldn't have been there in the first place. Thirdly I said 'with odd exceptions' ie some stuff is alright just not consistently. Fourthly I'm happy to shop for homewares in there, the quality is fine. Dipping back out.

Yours,
Embarrassed over emotional preggo woman

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 18/09/2017 17:53

My DH was a partner in a major City firm. His suits were M&S. you need to look smart and totally professional. Anything more expensive than that is window dressing. If you can afford it and love clothes, fair enough, spend more.

I'm sorry but YABVU. A sibling's stag is important.