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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to spend £££ on stag

498 replies

Theselfishwife · 17/09/2017 22:55

Dh's brother is getting married the stag is currently being organised it's a weekend abroad that will cost £££ and "everyone is going" so he HAS to go as well.

I don't think spending several hundred pounds on a weekend getting pissed is a responsible use of our money being we have to save for a planned house renovation and we are planning on TTC a 2nd child so need to save now for my maternity leave.

His reasoning is that he never spends money on anything "not even expensive clothes" which is at dig at me spending money on new clothes since DC 1 was born, I Put on 2 dress sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe.
Since DC was born I've only spent money on buying clothes because I had nothing to wear because I've had a baby and completely changed shape.

AIBU in saying he should be prioritising his family and our well being (renovating house, holiday etc.) Rather than spending hundreds of pounds on a weekend away getting pissed?

I say the stag isn't important so long as we attend the wedding, he says it is important and he HAS to be there.

Who IBU?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 18/09/2017 10:21

Of course he should go on this stag do. It's his brother. I would hate this level of control in a relationship. There has to be give and take. It's an important occasion and he shouldn't miss it if he wants to go.

astoundedgoat · 18/09/2017 10:22

I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. It is reasonable for her to spend money to smart for work, and she doesn't deserve to be bashed because she decided to spent a couple of hundred pounds on a couple of suits. Why on earth should she have to restrict herself to Tesco so that her husband can blaze through £500+ on a stag weekend???

Appropriate clothes for a professional job is NOT comparable to getting pissed on a weekend and she should not have to a) say what her job is so that we can "decide" if she should wear Primark or not (as suggested by a poster above) or b) plan her work wardrobe around her BIL's holiday choices.

At the same time, if her husband, who also works (I think?) would like to go on a stag weekend, he can make that choice. I think a £££ overseas stag weekend is ridiculously indulgent, but that's just me (and presumably the OP!).

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 10:27

Why on earth should she have to restrict herself to Tesco so that her husband can blaze through £500+ on a stag weekend??

Again no one has said this, they have said if OP gets to spend money on expensive clothing out of the family budget, why is her DH not alllowed to go on his brothers stag do? OP has at no point said they can't afford this so it's not a thing of one of the other!

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 10:34

He was unfair to bring up the clothes. You are being unfair to him by telling him to miss BROTHERS stag do.

You both need to work on your communication and empathy skills. Why bring another child into this type of relationship?

DonutCone · 18/09/2017 10:36

I just can't see past the fact it's his brother. Random uni friend or work mate, you'd have a better case. Not with his own brother. He can't miss that without damaging their relationship.

AccrualIntentions · 18/09/2017 10:36

Appropriate clothes for a professional job is NOT comparable to getting pissed on a weekend

And getting pissed on a weekend is NOT comparable to his brother's stag do. His brother. Not some random acquaintance,, not just a friend, his brother. Just because they will be getting pissed, and it'll be on a weekend doesn't mean that's all it is. The clothes are irrelevant. It is unreasonable to "not allow" her DH to go on his brother's stag do (and to dismiss childless/childfree or single people in the way she did in some follow up posts, but that's a whole other thread).

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 18/09/2017 10:40

IMO, it sounds as though you have probably overspent on new clothes (what would you have done if you didn't have the money for high quality work suits?) I have also had to buy a new wardrobe, having lost 7.5 stone. I have a minimal budget, so have had to make do with what I can afford. I still need to look smart and, in reality, wearing clothes that are clean and fit you well is the best way to do that. Nobody knows or cares where your black trouser suit (for example) came from!

You clearly do have the money available for DH to go on his DB's stag do (he doesn't need the whole £500 from the joint pot does he?), but you aren't a fan of hen & stag dos in general so don't consider it an important enough event to spend joint money on.

So the real question is, why can money only be spent if you personally approve of the reason? Why does DH get no say? I take it he earns money also? Had DH told you that you were not 'allowed' to buy a second expensive suit, would you have been fine with that? No, of course you wouldn't.

shoeaddict83 · 18/09/2017 10:42

its his BROTHER - YABVU

Sorry but clothes do not equate to missing out on this once in a liftime event for his brothers stag. Im sure you can push back painting a room for a few months to recoup the money.

And your snobby comments and primarni are pretty crap too. I shop in primarni, next, ted banker and louboutin so a whole range and i can tell you most people dont know the fucking difference unless they ask about something im wearing. Im the only one who knows and i buy them for me and because i like them not because i HAVE to wear 'decent' clothes for work (utter bollocks) . Alot of people are surprised when i say my outfit was £20 off boohoo or primark because it looks so nice.
I think you are out of order saying he cant go on a stag for his bro when you think decorating room is more important. Unless you are living in squallor with exposed electrical cables, no floorboards and mould in the walls so the room desperately needs sorting for your family then i think a family stag far trumps a new lick of paint and fluffier new carpet.

Londoncheapo · 18/09/2017 10:43

Hmmm, I dunno. I am old enough to remember when people had a stag/hen NIGHT. It wasn't a whole overseas trip that everyone had to find time for, find childcare for, pay a fortune for. When did things start to get so over the top?

BuckinhamL · 18/09/2017 10:48

I do understand where you're coming from - I wish this insistence on expensive stag weekends would just f* off. My brother-in-law had a foreign stag do, and when I looked into it I realised it was going to cost over £400 just for flights and accommodation, never mind activities, drink, food, etc. I was gutted to say no but had to turn it down as I just didn't have the money.

I found out later my sister wasn't happy with the best men for organising something so expensive (she had a hen day/night locally).

cathf · 18/09/2017 10:59

To the posters saying they don't agree with stag weekends - that's not the point though, is it?
Unless they are saying that their partners can only partake of activities they approve of.
Which is controlling, is it not?

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 11:14

@cathf I don't think "controlling" is quite the right word. Short sighted is more my thought.

It really works out best if our spouse's family likes us and thinks we are reasonable. The OPer is going to look like an absolute witch if she follows through. It's not strategic.

And trying to put another person in a little box that is all about us, how we want the house, when we want another child, and our clothing without giving them a bit a space to do what they want just erodes the relationship. After this, why would he want to stay married to her? To have more children with her?

It's her brother, he wants to go, he's a grown up. Yes, I'd find it annoying, too. It's not a hill to die on, though.

KarateKitten · 18/09/2017 11:19

Whether or not people think a stag/hen should be only an evening do and have become rediculous, people actually do have bloody brilliant times on foreign hen and stag do's. It's a bloody holiday, with your friends! If I could afford it I'd be there if it was people I liked, and wouldn't be going on and on about what a hen or stag should or shouldn't be.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 11:20

It's not a hill to die on, though

What does this mean?? I'm so confused as OP said this earlier. I thought it was a typo lol

cathf · 18/09/2017 11:23

It's not not a fight worth ruining your relationship over

Allthewaves · 18/09/2017 11:24

It's his brothers stag. If he wants to go he should go. How would u feel if he told you to take two months less maternity because he thought it would be better if you went back to work

scottishdiem · 18/09/2017 11:25

Etymology
Possibly an allusion to the Battle of Hamburger Hill or to the general idea of capturing/holding ground in a battle no matter what the cost.

Noun
hill to die on (plural hills to die on)

An issue to pursue with wholehearted conviction and/or single-minded focus, with little or no regard to the cost

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/09/2017 11:25

Thank you cathf

redemptionsongs · 18/09/2017 11:32

a hill to die on means it's not worth fighting to the death over. Pick your battles sort of thing. Not a place for a last stand!

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 18/09/2017 11:34

Yabu, it's his brothers stag of course he should go! You sound quite controlling.

TyneTease · 18/09/2017 11:39

The OP's partner sounds under a fair amount of pressure to deal with the current life he has AND the future life OP is mapping out - house renovations, another baby, maternity leave savings retirement plans, college fund for 2+ children, bigger house in 5 years Fair enough, it's a marriage and a shared responsibility but jeez, give the guy a weekend off...

cathf · 18/09/2017 12:18

I really do think if this was reversed, people would be telling the PP to LTB.
Are some posters completely unable to see anything from any point of view other thank the woman is always right??

araiwa · 18/09/2017 12:29

People go abroad for stag/ hens because it probably actually cheaper than doing it in the uk. I can get flights to europe where stuff is cheaper than a train to london.

flumpybear · 18/09/2017 12:32

It's his brother - of wouldn't quibble because I'd want to go if it was my sister or best friend because I don't have a sister

CoyoteCafe · 18/09/2017 12:39

@Are some posters completely unable to see anything from any point of view other thank the woman is always right??

I think that most people think she should back off, so your comment doesn't make sense.

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