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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 19:29

I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

I dont know what a wedding website is. But do mean when they got engaged?

Tbh i think its fair enough. Its their wedding they have decided partners that have only been together for so long can come.

PuppyMonkey · 17/09/2017 19:36

Sounds like that "if you weren't a couple when we got engaged" line is directed at, uh-hum, a few niche guests. Wink

Winosaurus · 17/09/2017 19:37

YABU. In my friendship group unless you're married or engaged then generally partners only get an evening do invite... seeing as it's abroad this isn't an option so I don't think they're BU to not invite him if they don't know him. And to be clear I've been bridesmaid 6 times and my partners were only ever invited to the evening.
I know you'd like him there but it's their choice

CantThinkOfAUserNameNotTaken · 17/09/2017 19:40

If she's still friendly with your ex do you think he could be invited? It would definitely be a reason your dp wouldn't be invited.

It's up to them what they choose, if you've only got together this year has she and her df met them yet? What about the other couple? Could they be closer?

Are all your friends getting plus one or could you travel with others. I'm surprised she didn't mention to you in advance. I didn't invite a friends DP, I'd never met them and they'd only been dating six months but they were quite a volatile couple.

Mushroomburger17 · 17/09/2017 19:41

What a stupid blanket rule. Everyone's circumstances are different. Makes them sound like dicks.

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 19:43

I don't think you can reallly ask for a plus one. People invite who they want to their weddings. I do understand why you're upset though

greendale17 · 17/09/2017 19:44

Winosaurus- what about long term partners? I have 2 friends in long term 10yrs + relationships and their partners have always been treated the same as married couples

Gizlotsmum · 17/09/2017 19:44

It wouldn't be so bad if one of the other bridesmaids didn't have a similar length of time partner going.

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 19:47

Sounds like that "if you weren't a couple when we got engaged" line is directed at, uh-hum, a few niche guests

That's what I thought, especially as she's friends with your ex husband.

Is your ex husband going?

I'm guessing they've made it quite clear your new partner isn't invited, if you wanted to, you could check, if not, it looks like you are going alone.

Could your new partner not drive you to the airport this end so you are not alone and get a taxi from the other side to the hotel?

Are none of the wedding party getting the same flight as you?

Or book into a hotel with your new partner, go out together, you attend the wedding then go back to your hotel and you and new partner have a few days there together?

indigox · 17/09/2017 19:47

YABU, if you've been in a relationship for less time than their marriage then it doesn't exactly scream serious.

PinkHeart5913 · 17/09/2017 19:48

So you've only been with your new partner 9 months at the very most, it's not like your friend is ignoring a partner of years now that would be weird. Living together or not it's still a very new relationship you have

I think no plus ones if you weren't a couple when they engaged is fair enough tbh

Go to the wedding without a plus one and have a good time? Why would you even consider asking for a plus one?

Ttbb · 17/09/2017 19:50

It's their wedding so it's their choice. Stop being so entitled.

LogicalPsycho · 17/09/2017 19:51

I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner

Given that information, then either your Ex and his plus One? are invited, or they just don't like your partner.
I'd probably try and find out which one before making the trip, tbh.

bigbluedustbin · 17/09/2017 19:54

Yabu and there's nothing 'to do'. Your partner isn't invited and you are going to have to deal with it. You can't ask for an invitation for him and you can't not go.

You'll manage travelling and one event without your partner. It's not hard and it's not like you know nobody.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/09/2017 19:55

No one wants very new boyfriends at the wedding. He's important to you but he's a random to her.

lunar1 · 17/09/2017 19:55

Maybe they did their numbers when they first got engaged and have planned around that number.

Mittens1969 · 17/09/2017 19:57

I think it's very likely that your ex has been invited and that's why your new partner hasn't been. I can understand why you're not happy about that but it is their choice and understandable in view of the history.

Mushroomburger17 · 17/09/2017 19:59

She's not some distant cousin twice removed; it's her best mate. I would definitely invite my mate's man, especially if I thought enough of her to be a bridesmaid. If it was a random cousin or work mate then they may be told no partners, but not my best mate as I would be thinking of her feelings and enjoyment and not just myself.

NancyJoan · 17/09/2017 19:59

You don't want to go on your own, but you also don't want your DP to be invited as an add-on and feel like he was an after thought. What do you want, then? Would you rather not go at all? And lose your friend for good?

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 17/09/2017 20:00

I think it's a bit mean of them. If all the other bridesmaids have a plus one, it would be thoughtful of them to let you take one too. I think this applies particularly if your ex is going - unless they are expecting you to pair up with him for the day? Which would be extremely tactless of them. I think I'd clarify the situation and then decide whether you want to go or not.

00100001 · 17/09/2017 20:00

You can't have known your current partner very long. And so she probably doesn't really know him and probably doesn't want him there. Or to pay for him. I know I wouldn't.

It will be very boring for your partner too. You will be busy a lot of the time helping out and he'll be on his own abroad with people being (presumably) barely knows. Sounds like a shit time.

You can spend the weekend apart. He'll have a great time. You'll have a great time. Every body is happy.

You can go to the next wedding with him in tow.

scrabbler3 · 17/09/2017 20:00

She may think that you moved in together too quickly and that it won't last.

I don't necessarily agree but I can imagine that some will believe that, and regard him as a casual boyfriend.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/09/2017 20:00

So a wedding that's not really a wedding because they are already married has a frequently asked questions section on a website.

I'm not sure I would be fussed about a plus one because I couldn't be arsed to attend

MyDcAreMarvel · 17/09/2017 20:01

No it's when they first got married this is not even the wedding.
I just would not go to a fake wedding op.

Winosaurus · 17/09/2017 20:01

greendale we're only 30 so no one is in that position - my friends all got married after 4-5yrs of dating.
I suppose though a decade with someone would be classed as serious enough but the OP has only been with her DP a few months.
Last thing a couple wants is loads of random friend's ex's in wedding photos in the years to come

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