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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:
namechangedforthisreply · 18/09/2017 03:15

Did she not mention your new partner would not be invited?

LemonyCakes · 18/09/2017 03:47

I know mumsnet has a problem with Bridezillas, but I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with the couple opting to not have strangers at their wedding , regardless of whether you are living with him. It is their wedding and you don't have to go.

I also think several posters are jumping on the outrage wagon about 'fake weddings' and 'wedding websites'.

Having a ceremony separate to the actually marriage is really not that unusual. It can be quite difficult to get married abroad due to licensing and different laws, so it's often easier to make it official at a registry office in the UK beforehand.

And a wedding website is an easy way to share information regarding the event and venue with multiple people. Honestly - get in touch with the times, people. You may not like it that the way people interact with each other has moved on, but this is actually a very efficient way to share information.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/09/2017 04:20

I'm curious about the timing. You 'split up' the beginning of the year so January? Are you divorced yet? Or was January the divorce? You have managed to meet someone, move them in and they are your 'partner'?

I'm willing to be that at least some people (exH, BF etc.) think he wasn't met after the split at all. Or at least with really indecent haste.

Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 04:26

Just decide what you want to do. If you don't want to go alone then politely decline.

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/09/2017 04:26

So you are close enough to be put upon to travel abroad for a wedding as a bridesmaid and for her to have you organise her hen but she doesn't respect you enough to trust your choice of partner ? I can understand not inviting a million plus ones to a local wedding BUT if the guest in question is important enough for you to expect her to fly somewhere then they should also warrant a no questions asked plus one.

Phalenopsisgirl · 18/09/2017 04:32

I would simply say you hadn't realised partners were not invited and therefore will have to decline. If she tries to backtrack and offer your partner an invite I;d be honest and say exactly what you said above about him feeling awkward. This is poor form from her, a good dose of the repercussions of being thoughtless towards guests might serve her well. The 'my day my way' attitude seems to have completely overtaken basic etiquette here.

Bumdishcloths · 18/09/2017 05:14

So how long do you have to have been with someone for it to be acceptable to call them a partner? Quite a few posters being dicks here really. 8 months is not an insignificant amount of time. I'd been with my husband less than that when we got married Hmm

Also, I wouldn't want to travel abroad in my own. Especially if I knew there was someone at home who could have come with me if my friend wasn't having such a weird second wedding.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/09/2017 05:17

@Bumdishcloths 8 months is when she split up with her husband. She was married to someone else 8 months ago.

Howlongtilldinner · 18/09/2017 05:36

Wedding website with FAQ's I've heard it all nowHmm

If she is your best mate, and you're arranging her hen do, then surely you are close enough to discuss your plus one issue?

Your ex is probably going and she may not want him to feel awkward?

I'd speak to your friend OP. I'm sure the FAQ's don't extend to loyalties to old partners versus new partnersHmm

hooochycoo · 18/09/2017 08:10

We had a wedding website ! You can make one for free on www.mywedding.com/ and it's really useful to put info that wouldn't fit on invite. ( like suggestions for accomodation so guests don't have to research stuff from scratch, travel help and link to google map, and we put a doodle poll for taxis so folk could pre book them together and save money) just generally helpful stuff .

Don't know why that's so weird!

BadLad · 18/09/2017 08:27

I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

I think the only way this could be bettered is if there was a flow-chart for people to decide if they had a plus one or not.

ShatnersWig · 18/09/2017 08:33

I've been invited to a wedding later this year of someone I have known for 12 years. I have been single 7 years, so my invite (for whole day) is just me.

Although discovered this weekend that someone else has been invited that the couple have only known two years and not as well as me who is single has been given an invite along with his sister (whom they don't know) so that he's got company.

It is what it is.

MyKingdomForBrie · 18/09/2017 11:54

I sent one friend an invite to mine for just her, she simply RSVP'd for herself and her boyfriend! I'd only met him once at the time but I would rather just have an extra person than cause upset so I just said i was glad they could make it.

Maybe give that a try?!

Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 12:19

I also don't get the fuss about the website. It seems fairly common these days. I think for a local wedding it wouldn't be such a big deal but for a foreign wedding it's rude not to invite partners.

honeyroar · 18/09/2017 12:45

I don't particularly get the fuss about the website either. We put three sheets of A4 information in with our invites for guests travelling g from afar - it had a list of local hotels and B&Bs, taxi numbers, directions and directions to our house, where we were having a big BBQ the following day for those who came a long way. A website could do the same thing. Plus I guess brides and grooms can avoid the fallout over who they've missed off the plus one list by explaining online!

I think the fact that they're still friends with the ex will be a factor here. Is he going? They may have said they weren't inviting him to make it nicer for you, then said they weren't inviting your new boyfriend so it didn't feel to him like he'd been totally pushed out...

MrsHathaway · 18/09/2017 13:13

Reasonable FAQs:

Information about nearby hotels, B&Bs, car parks, etc.
Link to the wedding list (means it's not in the invitation).
Guidance about timings on the day.

Unreasonable FAQs:

Cash begging poem.
Detailed instructions regarding guests' clothing and makeup.
Details of the B&G's sex life.

Shadow666 · 18/09/2017 13:24

The last wedding I went to had a cash begging poem on the website under a slideshow of photos of the bride and groom holidaying in New York, standing in their lovely home, the bride holding her designer handbag, etc. I said to my mum that they might have been better off doing Daily Mail Dad faces holding out their empty wallets.

BananaSandwichesEveryDay · 22/09/2017 19:11

I understand that for various reasons people may choose to have a 'second' wedding. A friend needed to have a civil marriage the day before her religious one, as the religious one is not recognised here. I understand that some people choose not to invite children to their wedding , I even understand that some people choose not to invite +1s to their wedding. Not saying either of these would be my choice, but I understand why some people do choose this. However, I don't understand why a bride and groom would think it is for them to decide not to invite +1s based on such an arbitrary choice of date. As a pp said, some couples meet and are married in less than eight months. It sounds as though the op doesn't know many guests other than those who've been invited as a couple, so she's going to feel like a spare part. In my book, above all, a good host wants their guests to feel happy and at ease, not awkward and like the odd one out. Imo, the b and g here are not being good hosts.

TeaAndToast85 · 22/09/2017 19:46

I think it's actually really rude to expect you to come alone, particularly since you organised the hen do!

carefreeeee · 22/09/2017 20:22

Rude not to invite your partner especially as it's abroad. Not really anyone else's business to decide if you've been together long enough. If it was because of your ex being there the bride should have discussed that with you

PurpleMinionMummy · 22/09/2017 20:53

On the basis the other bridesmaid hasn't been with her partner much longer yanbu.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/09/2017 21:33

Sounds quite sensible to me - otherwise you end up with wedding photos like mine, where group shots are full of ex boyfriends and girlfriends that no one remembers.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/09/2017 21:33

That wasn't a dig at your relationship by the way, I do think I would make an exception for my bridesmaids to have their partners there

Sancerresanwine · 22/09/2017 21:38

Pfff. Essentially they haven't invited your fairly recent boyfriend, with whom you happen to live with. They don't want him there. Their choice. Suck it up, buttercup as they say. And I must say you are sounding a wet around the ears not to be able to manage a foreign holiday without him. Passing you a grip.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 22/09/2017 21:53

Personally I'd never, ever go to a wedding abroad. And definitely not a 'blessing'.

We can rarely afford foreign holidays. And if I'm going to fork out money on a flight and a holiday it will be to a destination and date of my choice. Not someone else's.

I can't imagine ever expecting other people to fork out hundreds (or even thousands) of pounds so that I could be the 'star of the show'. It's insane.

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