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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:

MirriVan · 17/09/2017 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadMags · 17/09/2017 21:38

Well they've made it clear, haven't they?

It's not their fault you've rushed into living with someone within a few months!

Don't go if you're not happy about it. But, tbh, if you as an adult can't catch a flight and drive a car alone, you've bigger problems than attending a non-wedding!

ourkidmolly · 17/09/2017 21:38

I dunno maybe I mix with luddites or summat? I've been to three weddings in the last 6 months including a var var smart one in Blenheim and no one has had a specific website with QAndA. Live and learn.

MaidOfStars · 17/09/2017 21:38

I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner
I can't see a problem here.

I don't think your friend is massively unreasonable. But I don't think it unreasonable for you and new beau to make a bit of a holiday out of it.

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/09/2017 21:59

Guests have to go to considerable time, effort and money to attend this non-wedding.

No, they don't have to; they're choosing to.

Whitecurrants · 17/09/2017 23:04

I’m also boggling at the idea of a wedding website with FAQs. But given that this is apparently a thing now, surely if you’re organising the hen do you must be speaking to her regularly so can ask her without relying on said FAQs?

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rightnowimpissed · 17/09/2017 23:16

I would absolutely NOT go she's been rude and it's a fake wedding in a foreign country which will cost a fortune and you'll not be happy without you partner to accompany you so for me it's a no brainier, go somewhere together instead and leave her to it.

Jakeyboy1 · 17/09/2017 23:20

My best friend asked my eldest daughter to be bridesmaid. My youngest wasn't invited. People and weddings are v strange.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/09/2017 23:20

FrancisCrawford Fair enough, it's late

rightnowimpissed How has she been rude?

rightnowimpissed · 17/09/2017 23:24

My DH never gets invited to his families weddings and it does piss him off, he has two sisters who do so his whole family get invited and not him! People can be really rude and insensitive about weddings.

Shell4429 · 17/09/2017 23:26

I wouldn't go. If you do and don't take your OH it will niggle for years. So tell her you don't want to come on your own. If she doesn't then say you can bring him, tell her you're not coming.

rightnowimpissed · 17/09/2017 23:27

WhatToDoAboutThis2017Well like op said she knows all about her OH and hasn't included him in the invite.
TBH I've never know anyone to not put done plus on on invitations so I find that weird, it not what's done round here

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/09/2017 23:32

rightnowimpissed She knows of him, yes, but it doesn't appear that she has actually met him.

Likelihood is she doesn't want random people she doesn't know at her wedding, which is absolutely fair enough and isn't at all rude.

We didn't give anyone a plus one at our wedding; we wanted to share our day with people we loved.

As it turned out, there were only two people who had a partner neither DH nor I had ever met, so it was only their two partners that weren't invited. They were fine with it, and several years later, neither of them are even with them anymore.

Which means we thankfully don't have any random people on our wedding photos

brittabot · 17/09/2017 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rightnowimpissed · 17/09/2017 23:43

WhatToDoAboutThis2017
Two of my bridesmaids had their plus ones with them and are not now with them but, they were not in any pictures, only the wedding party and closest friends and family, they didn't feature in my day but I'm sure the girls felt a little more comfortable having a significant person to sit with, talk to, carry their purses etc through a long day.
Would never have even thought of not including a plus one for people so.

CraftyYankee · 17/09/2017 23:44

Is the (non) wedding in Maui?

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/09/2017 00:03

rightnowimpissed It was your wedding, so it was absolutely your right to do that, just as it was mine to do as I liked and the OPs friend to do as she likes.

The two people whose partners weren't invited weren't uncomfortable at all, as a lot of their family were there. It wasn't as if they didn't know anyone else.

rightnowimpissed · 18/09/2017 00:09

WhatToDoAboutThis2017Look that's your opinion but you should remember everyone is different and where I live it doesn't happen so I still feel it's rude and so does OP so....

HiJenny35 · 18/09/2017 00:17

He's not invited.
You've only been with him 8 months pretty sure you can manage going on your own.
Yabu to expect people to want this very new boyfriend along just because you have decided to move in with him. Let it go, it's their choice.

notangelinajolie · 18/09/2017 00:35

What the eff is a wedding site with rules?

Solution. I'm assuming your friend isn't paying for your flights and accomodation? I don't see why your DP can't fly out with you and book you both into a nice hotel. I'm thinking friend doesn't control immmigration? The actual fake ceremony and festivities afterwards would only take a few hours - go and do your bit and then the rest of the time you can spend with your new partner. Sorted.

I have to say this all sounds a bit silly.

BadLad · 18/09/2017 00:54

Bridesmugs

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/09/2017 01:37

rightnowimpissed It seems pretty unlikely that you live in a place where it just "doesn't happen". You may never have come across it in your circle of family and friends, but that doesn't mean nobody in your area has never done it.

MadamePomfrey · 18/09/2017 01:54

My opinion is the couple have set thier limits at people who were together when they got married!! This is thier choice it's thier wedding!! You are also with in your rights to not go!! However you have been friends a long time surely you can just talk to her calmly about it all!

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