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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:
danadas · 17/09/2017 20:43

A wedding website with it's own Q&A section. Amazing, I've heard it all now!

OP what does your friend say about you going out alone?

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amd724 · 17/09/2017 20:45

and I don't think the event, or non-wedding as some people have called it, is odd. I'm American, my husband is British. We had a registry wedding in the UK, only my mom came to it as it was 4000 miles away. We're planning a wedding reception in the States for my family, and people at home are calling it our wedding. My friend is Pakistani American, and Muslim. They had a civil ceremony in Pakistan, and then a year later an extravagant wedding in the US and one in Pakistan, even though they were already married. People do this often, its really no big deal. My friend who is Albanian American, same situation. I attended the UK wedding of an Iranian and Iraqi British couple who had a civil ceremony earlier in the year, and then planned a cultural wedding in Iraq and Iran, and then a British one (grooms mother was white British). Still called it a wedding, bride wore white, bridesmaids, etc.

carjacker1985 · 17/09/2017 20:48

Some of your friends and family must be so lucky that you all start nitpicking the specific terminology of their celebrations Hmm

Of course it's a wedding. Legally no, but that was small and now they want the white dress and the bridesmaids and the location and why shouldn't they? You don't know what reason they had for having the small ceremony.

In any event, that doesn't change the fact that the OP is BU expecting a plus one for her new boyfriend of less than nine months when people at the wedding know her ex husband. It's up to the bride and groom who is invited.

happypoobum · 17/09/2017 20:52

I don't understand this at all.

I totally get that some people have very small wedding ceremonies or get married overseas and then have a big party later.

However, this couple got married, and are now having a second wedding abroad? Confused

How can you be bridesmaid if it isn't a wedding? It's just fancy dress really isn't it?

I don't think it's unreasonable not to give you a plus one, and I think it's really strange that you appear to be unable to travel alone. The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner Surely you can get a plane on your own? If you don't want to hire a car just get a taxi/coach/bus/train.

However, I probably wouldn't be going along with this farce anyway.

mustresistwine · 17/09/2017 20:54

They are not BU not to give you a plus one invitation..

BUT you would not BU to decline the invitation & spend your day/evening doing something else!

In my world if someone means enough to you to be a bridesmaid then they mean enough to you that you would accommodate their partner xx

EternalOptimistToo · 17/09/2017 20:54

I'm not sure why this would be an issue for the bride.
As you were with your ex at the time of the wedding, surely, she had planned a +1 for you anyway???
I mean according to the rule that you have to be together at the time of the official wedding to be invited of course...

burnoutbabe · 17/09/2017 20:54

I'd just decline to come, the cost of going alone over sharing costs makes it more expensive. That is the rub when you do overseas (fake) weddings, people can't afford to come.
Very rude, you are living with the man, she is judging your relationship as not serious. Nice from a best mate!

expatinscotland · 17/09/2017 20:55

It's not a wedding, they're already married. It's just a delayed party abroad with a bunch of rules and silliness.

mindutopia · 17/09/2017 20:56

Her wedding, her choice, I think. I think it would be different if you were coming with children and expected to be a bridesmaid (then who would care for your children?). But we didn't invite non-serious partner's to our wedding. If you weren't married or engaged or pretty serious, you didn't get a plus one. It's lovely to extend the option, but not everyone can afford it and if you've been with your partner less than a year or so, which I assume you have, then I think it's not unreasonable. But it's always your choice if you decide not to go.

2cats2many · 17/09/2017 20:58

Wedding website? FAQs??

I don't even know where to begin.

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

burnoutbabe · 17/09/2017 21:02

the main issue is, travelling to an overseas wedding is EXPENSIVE, asking people to give up holidays and spend money to go abroad is cheeky enough as it is, but to say you must come alone is just rude.
Who wants to go abroad for a long weekend or 3-4 days on their own? hang around other couples like a third wheel.
I'd expect everyone to be allowed to bring a friend/recent partner in these circs.

Iheartjordanknight · 17/09/2017 21:03

I went to a non wedding with a website last year. It was crap, just a cheap version of a wedding

LuluJakey1 · 17/09/2017 21:08

What a fuss for two people who are already married months ago. Wedding abroad, wedding website, FAQs, FFS. Just don't go. Waste of money.

iamyourequal · 17/09/2017 21:09

*Freddiewinifred10

I actually think I wouldn't go, and she is showing she is self absorbed, and isn't thinking about you as her friend*
I agree with this completely. Your friend is being miserable not inviting your partner. I would tell her how hurt you are by this. if she doesn't see sense I would be ending the friendship.

Only1scoop · 17/09/2017 21:11

Bloody hell what a show for a couple who are already married

How many other Bridesmugs are there?

Why on earth are you organising a bloody hen do for someone already wed?

Am I missing something obvious?

AtSea1979 · 17/09/2017 21:12

As others have said, why don't you go with DP and he has a nice time relaxing whilst you're at the wedding for a few hours.

EllaHen · 17/09/2017 21:14

They have given you the perfect reason to pull out. Take it. Wink

honeyroar · 17/09/2017 21:15

Ok legally it's not their wedding, but they're seeming like they're considering it their real wedding - they just have their reasons, I expect OP knows the reason.

So setting aside whether it's real or not (because it doesn't break matter!) you have to decide whether you want to go or not. Could you go with your new boyfriend and have a holiday, but leave him to his own devices for the say, or be a big girl and go on your own, or just don't go and risk the friendship.

I can see why a couple who liked your ex would find it awkward having your new boyfriend at their wedding, I can also see why you're upset he's not invited.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2017 21:16

I think it's mean and it's all to do with your ex. As it's abroad you're qutie entitled not to want to go without your partner. And you can't actually ask for an invitation for him so just say you can't go if you don't want to go alone. But I agree it would be quite boring for your partner as presumably he won't know many people.

JennyWoodentop · 17/09/2017 21:19

I go to lots of events, including a wedding recently, on my own as my husband is away a lot. I decide if it's worth it to me to travel alone, organise things, spend the money etc.

Something like this I would probably only want to go to if he came too and we made a holiday of it. Otherwise it's taking annual leave and a lot of money away from the family holiday budget and I would prioritise the ability to have a nice holiday with my family over attending an expensive party on my own. I might feel differently if it was a very good friend, but that good a friend would invite my husband........... I get that the dynamics are different here with a newer relationship, but I wouldn't want to go alone and I'd be annoyed if I'd agreed to be a bridesmaid without realising my partner wasn't invited.

Absolutely it's up to the bride and groom who they invite, but did the OP know when she agreed to be bridesmaid she'd be on her own? You can back out of going as a guest without much drama, but not going if you're a bridesmaid is on a whole different level. Maybe OP wasn't explicitly told her partner wouldn't be invited but wrongly assumed he would be. I'm not surprised she's unhappy.

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 21:20

So, with it not being a wedding and instead a blessing that's abroad, that requires people to pay themselves and has a website with a FAQ section (to avoid embarrassment of having to actually talk to people about their rules I'm guessing) I have to ask

Is there a present list too?

BoomBoomBoomBoooom · 17/09/2017 21:23

YABU!

How can you even say partner when you had a husband 8 months ago?

If your friend lives abroad then I'm guessing hasn't met your "partner", why would she want a stranger at her wedding? It's a celebration for her friends and family not random men her friends are shagging.

Plenty of people manage to get the airport, fly and hire a car on their own - it is not that difficult.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 17/09/2017 21:27

YABVU. You've only been with this guy a few months, and I'll bet your friend hasn't even met him.

DH and I didn't invite anyone to our wedding that we hadn't met; we didn't want randoms on our wedding photos and I suspect your friend doesn't either!

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