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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:

BackforGood · 17/09/2017 20:26

Putting aside the ridiculousness of having a big party abroad with bridesmaid s etc., when it isn't even a wedding.........

I do think YABU. I wouldn't expect an invitaton for someone I'd just been seeing a few months, from somone who didn't have a strong relationship with them. As someone else said, at a local wedding you would invite them t the evening, but can't really do that with a "wedding" not abroad.

NewPapaGuinea · 17/09/2017 20:28

I'd book for the both if you and just leave your partner to do his own thing during this fake wedding. I'd also ask the bride if he can come. If she's that good a friend you should be able to have that conversation. If it's a no, the you'll just have to respect that decision, but at least you'll be able to have the rest of the time with him.

carjacker1985 · 17/09/2017 20:28

Lots of people have wedding websites these days they are very common and quite useful- they have details on local places to stay and links to where they are registered etc. It's basically all the info that used to be on an invite, but on a website instead. Really nothing that outrageous.

OP- I'm not surprised they are giving everyone a plus one as this is just a celebration blessing as they're already married. Either accept it or don't go, if they haven't invited him there isn't much else you can do about it.

JoJoSM2 · 17/09/2017 20:28

So you split up with your husband a few months ago and have since moved in with a new bloke. There are a couple of problems with having him at the wedding:
A. He's a random to the bride and groom and it's a very fresh relationship for you
B. Presumably a lot of people there know you and your ex-husband so it would make it extremely awkward for you to turn up with the new guy.

I understand that you're jealous about other girls bringing their +1's but I think you're being very unreasonable expecting to have your new guy there. If you don't want to travel on your own, go with one of the other bridesmaids or something.

5rivers7hills · 17/09/2017 20:28

She's being a cow.

You can't expect your bridesmaid to travel to a different country, on her own and pay for a hotel room, on her own - when she has a perfectly nice partner.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 17/09/2017 20:29

I wouldn't go, not just because of the partner thing but because it is abroad which is a big ask if you don't want to go alone.They are already married and the whole thing sounds awful ridiculous.

Doramaybe · 17/09/2017 20:30

Maybe a compromise might be that DP could be invited to the evening part but not the full gig.

He will not be with you for most of the day anyway if your are Bridesmaid.

Otherwise, either go alone and fume, or throw the bridesmaid's dress at the bride and flounce out.

It's not a marriage ceremony anyway, just a party.

There really isn't any other way is there.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2017 20:31

"Sorry is it just me that can't get over a 'wedding website' with Q and A???"

They are having an extra do so all their family and friends can come and then holding it abroad with specific rules about who can have +1. I don't think self awareness is a strength of theirs.

With all these wedding nutter threads I take the view that as long as they have been clear with people, then they can do what they want. Guests should just not go.

Can't get much clearer than a FAQ section on a website :-)

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/09/2017 20:32

So they were married last year but now she is going abroad for a blessing AND having a hen?? And she has a website with a q&a section?? Not a hope would I travel for that shit alone, I might go with my partner IF I wanted to make a holiday of it but otherwise there is no way I would travel for her made up event alone

notangelinajolie · 17/09/2017 20:33

So it's not a wedding - it's a some kind of fake wierd wedding holiday/ceremony abroad that has it's own web site and you and all the other bridesmades are required to attend to pay homage to your best friend and her husband who got married ages ago and they can't invite your partner because it's in the rules that you haven't been seeing him for the required length of time? Sod that for a game of soldiers. Your friend sounds barking and ever so slightly precious. Use the money it was going to cost you and book something else for you and your partner.

MaudAndOtherPoems · 17/09/2017 20:34

This makes me feel very old.

This wedding isn't actually a wedding because they're already married, yet it's so grand that it has bridesmaids and its own website. Inevitably, it's abroad. Oh my. If your partner isn't invited, why go? It's too far, too costly, and sounds like a pain.

carjacker1985 · 17/09/2017 20:34

For god's sake they are hardly the first people in the history of the world to have an official private ceremony then a big party for friends and family later. Some people on here are very mean.

SusanTheGentle · 17/09/2017 20:35

I think the couple are being ridiculous over the whole thing: such an uneccessary fuss and bollocks for something that's not even the actual wedding.

You're quite right to be annoyed about it, it's just babyish of them to excluding people like this and writing PA notes on their website about it; when you are close enough to be inviting someone to be your bridesmaid, even for a fake wedding, you should be close enough to take stuff like changed partners and similar into account.

However. The only sensible thing to do here is to take the moral high ground and go to the wedding without your partner, not mention it and not make a fuss, and then see how it goes. If they're still being twats, quietly and drama-free withdraw from the friendship slowly. Anything else is just creating drama which is never productive.

I do quite like the idea of taking your partner and having a little holiday after though, simply because otherwise it's such an expensive thing to do - might as well make the most of it. And whilst I am mostly anti-drama, I am open to allowing other people to draw their own conclusions if they see you with your chap and then realise he's not invited.

Fitzsimmons · 17/09/2017 20:35

I think she is being rude. When I got engaged my bridesmaid was with one bloke. By the time the wedding came round she was with a different bloke. He was of course invited to the wedding and he sat at the top table as part of the wedding party. I don't understand people that impose these ridiculous rules on others, I just wanted everyone to feel comfortable and have a great time.

Ambonsai · 17/09/2017 20:35

The fact that they have addressed this issue in the "Wedding website with Q & A" (WTF!!) means they know it's a tricky situation, they don't want to discuss it with you, cowards.

As a bridesmaid, you're part of the wedding party, of course you should have a plus one, whether they know him or not.
Yanbu
But as people have said, do you know if your ex is invited?

SusanTheGentle · 17/09/2017 20:36

@carjacker1985 No carjacker they're not - but they are creating a huge fuss around it in a way that most people don't.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2017 20:36

"For god's sake they are hardly the first people in the history of the world to have an official private ceremony then a big party for friends and family later."

Indeed, great idea. But to then have it abroad? Expecting bridesmaid not to bring a partner? Do you really not see the source of amusement/irritation.

SusanTheGentle · 17/09/2017 20:37

I just wanted everyone to feel comfortable and have a great time

Quite - all this faffing over not inviting the person your bridesmaid lives with and addressing it only by an FAQ on a website is shitty hosting.

MaudAndOtherPoems · 17/09/2017 20:37

Yes, of course they're entitled to have a party and to make it as lavish as they like, but who has bridesmaids at a party that isn't a wedding?

carjacker1985 · 17/09/2017 20:38

Isn't any wedding, by default, 'creating a fuss'? To different degrees, sure, but Mumsnet sure do like condemning anyone who considers themselves above a registry office and a packet of peanuts.

And like any wedding- it's an invite, not a summons. If she's that good a friend either ask her outright, go and get on with it, or don't go. Those are the only options, the type of wedding the friend is happening doesn't change any of that.

FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carjacker1985 · 17/09/2017 20:39

It's not like OP has spoken to her friend- just read the FAQ (which is aimed at everyone, not just her!) and assumed that's the end of it.

missiondecision · 17/09/2017 20:40

I'm glad I'm very married already. These new wedding dramas sound ridiculously self absorbed.

Amd724 · 17/09/2017 20:41

I wouldn't be offended. I've been the partner in this situation. My now husband was invited to a wedding of friends (of almost 10 years), and I was his new girlfriend/partner of about 5 months. I wasn't expecting to be invited to the wedding or any part of it. She was nice enough to ask me to come along to the evening part, which I thought was good enough. It makes perfect sense. If she has to deal with catering, and she's been married for the last 8 months, and you have this new partner of maybe 6-7 months, she wouldn't have been planning on inviting this new partner when she was initially planning this event. I wouldn't find any offence at all, and just realise its one of those things. She also doesn't know this person very well.

And, I must add, without prejudice, that she must not see you and your new partner as more than a new quick relationship after you and your ex h split. I'm unsure why you'd expect otherwise?

C0untDucku1a · 17/09/2017 20:42

Why cant you both go, book a room together and him just entertain himself at the 'wedding' then meet after? She doesnt run immigration. She cant stop him being in the country

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