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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a plus one?

150 replies

crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 19:22

Hi there, looking for opinions on the following situation.

I have been asked to be bridesmaid at a friends wedding, we have known each other for about 12 years and she was bridesmaid when I got married. My friend had a very small official wedding ceremony at the end of last year and the upcoming celebration is to confirm the official ceremony and have a wedding do to invite friends and family to.

At the start of this year I split up from my husband and have since met someone new who I now live with in our new home and we are ridiculously happy. My friend was relatively friendly with my ex husband through me and I know they are still in contact over social media etc. It was always a given that we would be each other's bridesmaids and my friend knows about my new partner and the fact we are living together. Just the other day I received the invitation and it was addressed only to me, no plus one. I checked the wedding website and in the q&a section with regards to plus ones it says that if you weren't a couple when they first got married then they can't come.

The wedding is in another country so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner. I know that the other bridesmaids have been invited with their partners, one of which has only been with her partner marginally longer than me and my partner.

Am I being unreasonable to expect as a bridesmaid to receive an invitation for me and my partner? It's not as if he is just some random that I'm casually seeing, we live together. I really don't like the idea of going to the wedding and being on my own as part of the wedding party when all the other bridesmaids will have their partners with them.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to cause a conflict in the run up to the wedding as my friend is also pregnant. But at the same time I'm single handedly organising a very lavish hen do for my friend and feel really upset that she has almost completely discounted my relationship and my partner. I even now feel that if I confronted her and she offered me a plus one, I wouldn't want to put my partner in that position of going along and being invited as an afterthought!

Help I'm at a loss as to what I should do???

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 17/09/2017 20:01

What's unreasonable is people who have some shindig abroad that's not even a real fucking wedding because they are already married and then make a bunch of stupid rules. Not sure why you'd go at all. It's not a wedding, just a party.

00100001 · 17/09/2017 20:02

Was the "if you weren't a couple when we got married" a mistake OP?

00100001 · 17/09/2017 20:04

I'm interested to know how long you've been together with your new partner. And how long the "fractionally longer" couple have been together.

BackieJerkhart · 17/09/2017 20:04

so I would have to drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc all on my own to get there without my partner.

Well you're a big girl, I'm sure you can manage without getting lost for crying out loud! Just like if you were single.

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 20:05

So its not really even a wedding and its abroad? How odd.

When you say the other 'bridesmaid' has been with her partner 'mariginally' longer, whats marginally?

Original poster
crazydoglady17 · 17/09/2017 20:07

No it wasn't a typo, they are already married, so this is essentially a blessing.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 17/09/2017 20:07

I would be upset about this. To me it would feel as though she was only inviting me to be her bridesmaid because I invited her and doesn't think of me as a close friend any more. Different if he were just a boyfriend but I can't imagine choosing someone as a bridesmaid and not inviting their live in partner.
I would probably decline the kind invite to be a bridesmaid and let her choose someone whose happiness she cares about.

2rebecca · 17/09/2017 20:09

If they're already maried it's an expensive jaunt without your partner to share it with. bridesmaids for a blessing is just silly anyway. let her get on with it.

BackieJerkhart · 17/09/2017 20:10

What's unreasonable is people who have some shindig abroad that's not even a real fucking wedding because they are already married and then make a bunch of stupid rules. Not sure why you'd go at all. It's not a wedding, just a party.

This^ a thousand times!! Seems like a cheap way of getting lots of presents and money if you ask me. Save a fortune on not having to have a big church or registry office ceremony feeding lots of people. People will still give you gifts or money because you got married then wait a year and hire a cheap hall, call it the "at home" wedding and people will still feel obliged to buy a gift or give money because you've called it a wedding.

Figgygal · 17/09/2017 20:10

She's dragging people abroad for a non wedding to follow the real thing that happened months ago? And has an FAQ? Best friend id be passing

00100001 · 17/09/2017 20:10

Bloody hell. Then even less reason for him (or anyone) to go

expatinscotland · 17/09/2017 20:11

This isn't even a wedding and they have a website and a destination thingy? C'mon. Just pull out now and go on a holiday of your choosing with your new boyfriend. Make up some story about how something fell through at work and you can no longer get the time off.

MrsHathaway · 17/09/2017 20:12

If it were just a big party locally I'd say YWBU.

But I don't quite get why you can't take DP to the foreign place and have a nice long dirty weekend together with one afternoon/evening apart during which he can doze or sightsee or read or whatever takes his fancy.

It's a bit shit being a +1 to a member of the wedding party unless you have other friends there. The worst weddings I've been to were the ones where DH was best man and I've been a lemon on my own Grin

Andylion · 17/09/2017 20:13

Last thing a couple wants is loads of random friend's ex's in wedding photos in the years to come

Plus ones don't have to be in any wedding photos.

Freddiewinifred10 · 17/09/2017 20:15

I think yanbu to feel as if something as up. If you were just a normal guest ywbu, but you are not. As a bridesmaid who is organising her hen do it is very strange not to want you to bring someone who you live with. I think she either: doesn't like your partner, thinks you cheated on your husband, has asked you ex and it will be awkward, disapproves in some way with the break up/you moving in so quickly, is really anal about rules and can't see that the fact you are a best mate and are organising her hen do means she should loosen up the reins a bit. I'm not sure what you can do, but I know I certainly wouldn't be in the spirit of some lavish hen do you are organising!!

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/09/2017 20:16

If you don't feel able to do all this travelling alone, just tell her you'd love to come but cannot commit to coming alone and because of it and you are reluctantly declining. She is the one creating the situation by not including a +1 regardless of the rights and wrongs or reasons. It's an invitation, not a summons.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 17/09/2017 20:19

Look if she's expecting bridesmaids at a fake wedding, you have bigger problems than this! Why on EARTH did you agree to that nonsense?

Frankly, it sounds as though she's taken the side of your ex. I'd tell her to stick it.

Purplemeddler · 17/09/2017 20:20

It's quite usual overseas to have a civil wedding and then a church wedding, because the church wedding isn't recognised in law. A friend of mine had two weddings, and we just went to the church wedding, which was after the civil wedding, so they were already married.

So having two weddings isn't that weird.

Aljaz from Strictly and Janette Manrara had three weddings!

I would expect to be able to take my partner if I was an adult bridesmaid. But weddings are boring when you don't know people so it's swings and roundabouts really. I think I'd go and take my partner and just get him to have a day sightseeing while I was at the wedding.

RandomUsernameHere · 17/09/2017 20:21

YANBU to expect a plus one, but I don't think there's much you can do about it unfortunately. Do you know any of the other bridesmaids well enough to travel with them? This would save on the cost of the car hire.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2017 20:21

"I dont know what a wedding website is."

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a 'wedding website' is a website they've made for the wedding.

Back to the OP:

I would always invite +1s. I would not invite people to a fake wedding abroad, that misses the point of 'wedding do to invite friends and family to'.

But I'm not getting fake married.

In the grand scheme, not inviting a boyfriend you've had for about 9 months isn't too fakebridezilla-ry. Assuming you are a functional adult who can 'drive to airport, fly and hire a car etc' is reasonable.

So:

  1. Don't go. Lose friend.
  2. Have awkward convo about bringing DP. (I could happily have this convo with my best mate).
  3. Go, and stew over the perceived insult.
  4. Go, and have fun.

The choice is yours.

Freddiewinifred10 · 17/09/2017 20:22

I actually think I wouldn't go, and she is showing she is self absorbed, and isn't thinking about you as her friend.

ourkidmolly · 17/09/2017 20:22

Sorry is it just me that can't get over a 'wedding website' with Q and A???
Wtf is that? Never heard of it.

kittymamma · 17/09/2017 20:23

She's having a hen do for a fake wedding too? This is all rather strange.

I mean... this is just silly... you aren't a bridesmaid, you are a character in the "look at me" show.

lovemylover · 17/09/2017 20:23

I think this is very unreasonable, you should be allowed to take your partner, however long you have been together,
I have never heard anything so ridiculous,if it was me i wouldnt go
I have been to weddings where anyone was allowed to take a plus one,whoever it was,

Brittbugs80 · 17/09/2017 20:26

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that a 'wedding website' is a website they've made for the wedding

Your answer reminded.me of when they explain to Simon in the Inbetweeners film what a boat party is! Grin

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