SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

Of course YANBU to want your SDs to dress appropriately for their age. The clothes you wear and the way you present yourself matters hugely.

Seriously scared that people like TheSparrowhawk exist and I hope to God that this person does not have daughters. How willfully ignorant can you get?? Of course it brings unwanted attention that an EIGHT YEAR OLD little girl and a 12 year old does not know how to deal with. Encouraging overtly sexualised behaviour in young children borders on abusive. In fact one sign of abuse is sexualised behaviour in a child at a young age.

Also, school uniforms are NOT sexualised. They might be if they consist of a mini-skirt, open blouse with a bra and fishnet stockings. There is nothing remotely sexual about a normal school uniform and you are hugely warped if you think that.

A full face of makeup, foundation, lipstick on an 8 year old is wrong and very weird let alone the bum cheeks hanging out and transparent tops. I don't know how to make your OH see it though.. what is wrong with him?! Yaddnbu OP!

Peadophiles are attracted to children dressed inappropriately like this, not so much because they find it attractive, but because it is a clear signal that they have low self-esteem/poor boundaries/parents who are not trying to protect them/parents who do not care/parents who won't notice when they are groomed etc.

Children dressed like this send a message that they are good targets. If you are ok with that because "clothes don't make you vulnerable" then you need some serious training and possibly a slap.

This is the point:

Girls should have a childhood. Experimenting with clothes and makeup may be part of that. Trussing up like a lycra clad chicken is NOT part of childhood. Those clothes, that makeup and all that goes with it are limiting and restricting.

Do you have concerns about what else is going on in these children's lives? Is the clothing and make-up a visual signal of other aspects of care being lacking for these children?

You're getting a lot of grief here, but anyone with any sense would see alarm bells all over the place.

There is absolutely no way allow a daughter of mine to be potentially influenced by them.

I suggest that this difference of opinion with respect to how serious an issue this is reflects a major philosophical gulf, and you're essentially incompatible.

i think the question is not so much "why would an 8 year old want to go out with a face full of makeup and her bum hanging out" but why would a grown woman want to go out like that?

She is a young kid. She doesn't know she's doing anything other than copying her SSs. Her SSs are in turn copying their peers who are in turn copying popstars. Who are wearing what they are wearing because their producers have told them they won't sell records otherwise.

It's all kinds of fucked up and OP just wants her little girl to grow up liking herself for herself not for what she looks like.

So to that end, YANBU OP.

Totally agree with existential moment. It's not the girls being seen as sexual, it's them being seen as easy targets because what kind of parent would let them go out like that. The type of parent who either doesn't care or is too stupid to see that it makes their kids more vulnerable.

YANBU
It's highly inappropriate for them to have their bum cheeks hanging out and to be wearing so much make up.

Any responsible parent would recognise this.

If their mother thinks it's okay, there is no point in talking to her.

It's ridiculous.

YANBU OP and I'm sorry you're getting so much grief over it. existentialmoment and IfyouseeRitaMoreno have put it more eloquently than I can.

OP - YANBU!!

I despair of some of the responses on this thread- esp Sparrow.

You need to get their father on. Pars and, as another poster said, have a fun shopping trip for clothes for them to wear at your house

Those people saying things like 'clothes don't put you in danger' are just being ridiculous. Of course, if we lived in a perfect world, clothes wouldn't put you in danger. I agree that girls/women SHOULD be allowed to wear whatever they want without any risk to them. But, we do NOT live in a perfect world. Realistically, having young girls wearing very revealing clothes and a lot of make up may well result in them getting the wrong sort of attention, that girls at the age don't want, and which could potentially put them in danger. Such an awkward situation to be in, I understand that it must also be a little embarrassing as you don't want people to think that it is you being irresponsible and allowing the young girls to dress like this. I suppose the only thing you can really do is continue to raise this issue with your partner, as raising it with the mother could result in some tension between you. Good luck!

So amongst the claptrap, there have been some good suggestions about how you could proceed OP. Are you ready to tackle DH, what's your plan?

Clothes don't put you in danger.

Total fucking horseshit.

I grew up in an area of London where I was harrassed on the streets pretty much every fucking time I left the house if they could see I had long blond hair.

If I dressed like a boy in jeans and a hood up they'd leave me alone.

If I wore a skirt or revealing clothes (which I rarely did) the level of harassment wnet up loads.

Walking around in jeans doesn't stop teens being harrassed, I can vouch for that. But the more revealing your clothes the more hassle you get, defninitely.

I'd struggle with that for a fourth reason (and for the very reason that goes through my head when I see young girls dressed this way): what on earth is going on/what is wrong in their head and in their character that means they have to derive some positive attention from dressing like a caricature of a hooker?

I looked older when I was a young teen.

I was allowed to stay with an older cousin (18 yr old) and when I was nearly 14 she took me to a club. I was dressed like an 18 yr old and had full make up on. In my head I just wanted to dance. Invariably at some point in the evening I attracted the attention of a man who I had a few dances with. At chucking out time he approached me and quite forcefully tried to get me to go home with him. Thank god my cousin's bf appeared and chased him off. I was terrified.

Moral of the tale is that although i 'looked the part' and was very cocky and confident, under it all I was just a child who was massively out of her depth.

My DM allowed me to dress older, wear heels etc and I wasn't ready for it but it wasn't 'cool' to say so.

It's not just about putting them in danger from others. It's about the dangerous attitude it promotes-

Girls must appear sexy etc and everything that goes along with that sex=love etc. Self worth related to looks.

A lot of people on this thread look incredibly foolish.

Too busy posting things you think you will get a gold star for that you missed the actual point as it went whooshing over your head.

I agree with everything you have said Existential.

YANBU OP but I don't have any wise words I'm afraid. Your DP sees them as his cute little girls but teenage boys and paedophiles will see them rather differently.

Op - have you and/or DP tried offering a shopping trip so that they get to keep some clothes at your house and you both get to see what they like/dislike? Winters coming and it could be suggested as a 'we just wanted to get you a few bits in for winter'. Just a thought.

you are giving me weird vibes TheSparrowhawk and I dont like it

Indeed ssd.

I don't like it either.

What you wear has a massive effect on how people perceive you and react to you in so many situations whether you're an 8 year old in make-up and adult-type clothes or going for a job interview in jeans and a t-shirt

This thread is Mumsnet gobshite. No clothes don't cause rape. But an 8 yo wearing "sexy" or revealing clothing is going to be attracting attention they simply aren't ready for physically or mentally. Nobody is victim blaming and I bet the majority of people scoffing at the OP do not have 8 or 12 yo kids wearing this kind of stuff. FFS.

You may not be able to do more than say your piece and step away OP as I suspect if their mum endorses it you will only encourage them further by telling them not to but get DH on board and choose your words carefully.