SDs dressing inappropriately

[Winosaurus]

I originally posted this on the step-parent board but posting here for traffic.

I know I'm going to get flamed for this but today this has reached a new peak.
My DP has to DDs 12 and 8, they dress so inappropriately I'm sometimes lost for words. They both are wear a full face of make-up and clothes that barely cover their bodies and I'm really struggling with this for several reasons.

1. People look at them constantly when we go out because of how revealing their clothes are and I'm worried it'll attract the wrong attention and potentially put them in danger - particularly as 12yo is getting older.
2. My DD7 now wants to copy them which is causing issues and uncomfortable conversations to come up as I obviously won't let her dress this way but I also don't want to be critical of SDs or their mother for allowing them to dress this way (she buys most of their clothes)
3. I honestly find it embarrassing. When we are out as a group/family people automatically assume I'm their mum and I've had women in particular make remarks about how they are dressed.

I've talked to DP about this and pointed out not only the inappropriateness of their overall looks but also how it could put them in danger. He agrees with me and will occasionally ask SD8 to remove her make-up but overall he doesn't seem to see how wrong it is. I am not being mean about the girls, they are lovely but it's getting to the point where it's making me uncomfortable to be on outings with them when they have their bottom cheeks hanging out of their shorts or transparent crop-tops on. How can I get my partner to see it objectively?

It sounds like you have a really great balance there MammaTJ.

She has enough freedom to be herself but she's still treated like a child.

I couldn't agree more with you about boundaries making children feel safe.

I still remember what it was like facing peer pressure as a teenager and being relieved that I wasn't allowed to do certain things.

I believe it can make it easier to say no and make better choices for themselves when they have do's and don't's in place.

Get a grip. No eight year should or need stop wear make up on a regular basis. The op is right to be concerned about age appropriate wear and appearance.

Of course you're worried, OP. I would be, too.

They are 8 and 12 and, by the sounds of it, dress completely inappropriately.

Surely, the father can see the issue here and have a word with the mother?!

Op if I were you I would have a chat to them about playing dress up and get them to look at what other people are wearing.
They are obviously very comfortable in their own skin so bear that in mind during any conversations with them.

I have a dd who is 12. She has tiny shorts, tops etc she's better at make up than me.
We've had open and honest conversations about clothes/men etc so she is well aware of how dressing in a certain way can be perceived by others etc etc.

Clothes don't put you in danger.

What kind of bullshiite is this? If you don't want to be helpful, stay off! Ridiculous to imply that it's ok for an 8yo girl to dress like an 20yo on her way to a club.

OP YANBU to be worried. You need to talk to their mom... very very nicely.

It is total bullshit, isn't it, miss?!

I'm sure all those spouting that nonsense would never allow their young daughters to dress in such attire!!

Ridiculous to imply that it's ok for an 8yo girl to dress like an 20yo on her way to a club.

No-one is saying it looks right, but how exactly is that 8 year old in danger assuming she is pretty much always with an adult and no-on e is really going to mistake an 8 year old for 16!

She might not immediately be in danger but she may well be in the future if she doesn't learn what's appropriate.

madrid Do you have teen dds? If you let your dd dress like a club-hopping 20yo when she is 8, then when she is 16, you suddenly want to put her in less revealing clothes? Well, maybe you are just a more competent mom than me. I have a hard enough time stopping my 17yo, using her own money, to buy whatever she likes.

I haven't read the whole thread due to the stupidity of most of the first page so I'm sorry if I've missed some of what's been said. Anyone saying that clothes don't put you in danger is an idiot. Yes, you can't go around saying a rape victim, for example, 'asked for it' because of how they dressed but allowing a 12 year old and especially an 8 year old to dress much older than their age is risky and like it or not, this will attract unwanted attention, whether the attention is fron somebody genuinely believing that they are older than they are not. I would be interested to know how many of the posters saying that they're clothing and make up is perfectly acceptable allow their own children to dress this way!

I'd love to know how you would dress in Saudi or areas of Pakistan and then report back on 'clothes do not put you in danger'.

'In many stepfamilies the stepparents are important and their views do count. they do not or should not override the parents views!

They absolutely should when the parents are fundamentally failing in their duty of care towards their child. Someone needs to step in.

Do you want them out walking The streets at midnight, dressed like this, because hey, if the parents allow it, it's ok, and if something happens to them, then it's that persons fault and the parents have no responsibility at all to their children? The step mum should say nothing, she can't over ride the parents view it's ok?

If a parent is fundamentally failing a child, be it from allowing them to dress in an overly sexualised way through to letting them miss school when they don't feel like it, or feeding them booze because they want to try it, then someone else needs to step in and say your failing your child and it's not ok. Someone decent. You don't sit back and watch.

In a perfect world Clothes don't put you in danger.

There, I fixed that for you.

And I cannot believe that notanotherNC / madrid2017 (are you the same person?) is saying you are"Someone with no parental responsibility!!" Of course you are, that is simply a fact of life. The expectation that Winosaurus "... should share her home with them, look after them and never, ever have an opinion. She's clearly just there to skivvy, not have a relationship with them. And definitely not, under any circumstances, worry about them." is just stupid, frankly.

I haven't read all the responses, but I'll offer my suggestion.

Buy them some high waisted skinny jeans and a nice pair of trainers to wear when they are at yours. Cropped tops look so much better with high waisted jeans. You can guide them towards ones you approve of. A hoodie of their choice would be better in this weather.

Help them choose more subtle make up- a bit of lip gloss and mascara.

They are clearly into appearances, so help them to tone it down, but to remain stylish and age appropriate. They need guidance and help.

I think people are mistaking clothes putting people in danger and clothes meaning they're asking for it.
If a particular rapist thinks he is entitled to sex with women who he deems are promiscuous he will go for those promiscuously dressed ... this doesn't mean a woman is to be blamed for wearing what she wears but it does mean she is in danger because of it.
We should be able to wear what we want ... but we can't always.

Clothes have all sorts of connotations, of course.

Every outfit says something, or multiple things. Of course.

When girls wear skimpy clothes and lots of make-up, people have an absolute field day with the possible 'messages'. But we make a lot of assumptions about who is making which assumptions.

I genuinely think the biggest danger to young girls in these clothes is from unpleasant judgements, nasty glances, aspersions cast on the mother's ability to be a parent. There is plenty of evidence on this thread that those reactions to those clothes are alive and well.

But where is the evidence for actual, real danger?

It's easy to start a thread with 'Good grief' and then just claim that it's obvious that these clothes are 'dangerous'. But it only seems obvious because we've received and internalised these messages all our lives.

We're told this. We perpetuate it.

There is no evidence for this actual danger.

There is plenty of evidence for the snide judgements and criticisms.

And of course the posters arguing against victim-blaming/clothes-blaming (wherever you want to call it) don't actually dress their kids in the sort of clothes under discussion. Perhaps that's partly a purely aesthetic choice - but it's also because we've all internalised these messages.
But the messages are not genuinely about danger; they are about judging women and insisting that their clothes choices are linked to what happens to them.

It's bullshit.

However I can't understand why my DP (or their mum) is ok with them dressing this way?

She sounds incredibly chavvy. Unfortunately the kids are going the same route.

start a ^post I meant to say

If a particular rapist thinks he is entitled to sex with women he deems to be promiscuous he will go for those dressed promiscuously

Will he? Who is this theoretical rapist? Where are you getting this from?

Is it obvious or is it just age-old DM wisdom?

Did you know that the most common item of clothing for a woman to be wearing when she's raped is jeans? Hardly fits your logic, does it?

there's something really yeeewww about these posts saying clothes don't put you in danger and not criticising the sort of clothes being worn....almost seems to me to be encouraging it, for whatever reason I dont want to guess.....it doesn't come across as right on to me, it comes across pervy and sickening

the beginning of this thread just seemed full of posters saying the clothes don't matter, when we all know of course they do....why would you insist they dont matter, why insist the step mum doesnt try to change how these girls are dressing??

somethings not straight on this thread, its attracting posters who are giving me the creeps

Do you ever analyse or challenge your assumptions though ssd or do you think yewwwww is a reasoned and adequate response?

But where is the evidence for actual, real danger?

I agree with MerchantofVenice. I don't think there's any evidence that a girl dressed in revealing clothes is in any more danger.

But for me it's about why a young girl is dressing that way and the emphasis that she feels the need to place on her looks, to constantly see herself through the eyes of others, which is something most women feel the effect of for most of their adult lives.

Unless you genuinely like that kind of thing it's debilitating and destroys your self-esteem.

posters who are giving me the creeps

What? Posters who want to challenge the idea that girls and women should be shamed in sone weirdly sexual way for their clothes?

Why isn't it good enough to say those clothes won't keep you warm? Those clothes aren't suitable for this weather? Even those clothes don't suit you? A parent can guide on all those grounds.

Why does sexual assault have to be brought into it? That's the bit thats ewwwww.

ssd it's not that at all. It's that MNers are understandably fed up with attitudes that have in the past blamed rape victims due to their clothes.

so we should let young girls go around dressed like that with a full face of make up then, that's okay with you? of course it isn't, and your insistence its fine and its the person looking at them the wrong way who is at fault...that gives me the creeps, why are you wanting to encourage young girls to dress this way?