Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

[grimmm]

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

Reading other people's comments it seems you might be the one fearing being hurt. It sounds as if he's left you with little self-confidence to face the future.

You need to confide in someone in RL

SORRY!!! wrong THREAD

He is cray cray and probably a nasty piece of work too

You know him do you? No thought not.

Not everyone works in a law office you know.

No but the job you describe us very few and far between.

Obviously the OP doesn't work in an industry where socialising with colleagues is shocking, so turning things around to attack her because some guy couldn't handle rejection is pretty appalling.

Yes you can socialise with colleagues. Many people do. I have in the past. I don't go out and get hammered.

You seem to think it's the guys fault. Well as the OP hasn't told us what she said to him, I guess you were there as you seem to think he is completely to blame.

I'm really curious now Bananas to know what job you do...

I'm guessing film/tv industry

I don't start from a point of assuming any woman who receives a negative reaction from a man she's just rejected is a lying liar who must have committed some heinous secret sin, because it's not possible a man would get nasty over being rejected, no.

Well I start from the position that until the OP actually says what went on that both if them could be to blame.

OP is deliberately being vague.

OP is deliberately being vague.

Yup and I wonder why?

Also quite a few posters seem to have been with the OP when it happened

Lol @onionknight! Exactly.

OP, either tell us EVERYTHING, in order, or I personally am out.

I'd like to support you because I've recently (6 weeks ago) had a formal grievance raised against me at work and it's been awful. This sounds very muddy and confusing and god knows how any of us could actually give you ANY support OP because you are so utterly scattered and all over the place that no one could help you no matter how hard they tried.

Sounds like you thought you had a great friendship, and he thought he was buttering you up for a relationship. Once he was set straight, he was gutted and now wants to punish you.
It is so crap when you think you're close to someone and that they like you as a person, when actually you don't qualify as a friend at all because it was all a big ploy to get in your pants. He'll probably just blank you from here on in

So... he said he wanted a relationship. You, kindly, said no. And he said you'd lose your job over that?

What, it was some threat to 'destroy' you for turning him down?

Or was there a bit in the middle where you, I dunno, attacked him or something?

You're just going to have to leave him alone - if you've done something really bad then yeah, you can't keep harassing him - but if this all turns out to just be him having a sulk because you said no, er... I dunno. He'll look a fool in front of HR I guess.

But if you can't remember you'll be the one looking a fool.

Has it occurred to you, OP, that he hasn't even made a complaint? That's he's just pretending that he has, to frighten and intimidate you, as "revenge" for turning him down?

Stop contacting him asking for answers. Just go no contact. Don't bother contacting HR. If there's a genuine complaint they'll be in contact with you in due course.

I would agree with going no contact, and just doing nothing about it. I'm sure that if he did report you to HR then you'll hear from them in due course. The fact that you haven't yet suggests that he's just been trying to scare you.

The only thing you could do is ask another colleague, maybe someone you know really well. If it was a work do then there must have been someone who noticed what went on.

This thread should be retitled

OP won't tell us what the problem (her colleague had with her) was

Anyway, she's clearly not going to offer any more info.

Has everyone here fallen down the rabbit hole?
What on earth is going on? Has anyone been able to deduce?

Gosh, Grimmm, I have no idea why you are getting it in the neck like this.

Grimmm doesn't have to tell us anything. She doesn't owe us anything. If you don't feel you can support someone then you don'thave to, and you can ask anything but she doesn't have to answer.

Grimmm there are some people here who don't need more info but want to help shore you up. Ignore the rest.

I actually think the OP has posted this thread as an experiment into social media. Maybe a student doing research? Post a very basic message with barely any detail in the morning, pop on a couple of times over the next few hours with a few sentences which don't really add any more detail, and see how other posters read between the lines, project and construct their own version of what happened.

It's interesting to read in that way. Group behaviour. Adding bits of our own as the thread develops.

If you don't feel you can support someone

People can only support when they know what's going on. The OP has deliberately been very vague.

Support also doesn't mean agreeing.

Has it occurred to you, OP, that he hasn't even made a complaint? That's he's just pretending that he has, to frighten and intimidate you, as "revenge" for turning him down?
I thought this too.

The last three places going out with colleagues to the pub was the normal thing and they were very different jobs.

CurlyhairedAssassin Good point. Mind you, in ye old dark ages I studied Psychology and my supervisor would not have been particularly pleased with me presenting a bit of a jaunt on a mum's forum. Granted it didn't exist when I was a student but the point still stands. If OP is after a dissertation I hope s/he also makes their way to a library and a peer-reviewed research essay.

I think as a senior male colleague who had tried to persuade you to be in a relationship with him, then told you you would 'lose your job over this' (assuming refusal to be in a relationship with him) he has realised he has left himself very vulnerable to a sexual harassment case.

He has sought advice and that advice has been to have no contact with you.

You need to drop it, or it will be you under threat, rather than him!