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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
MsHarry · 17/09/2017 19:12

What happened between you on the night in question?

thatcoldfeeling · 17/09/2017 19:28

If you are in a union speak to your rep now to let them know you have this wierd situation going on.

Count2three · 17/09/2017 19:36

What a waste of time that was.

Ravenesque · 17/09/2017 20:06

I'm a bit surprised that so many people seem to be in the dark about what she can remember of the night that it all went pear shaped. I mean clearly there are bits of the conversation that we're not privy too, but as they were both very drunk, it's also clear that it's difficult for the OP to put it all in her (many) posts explaining as best she can what she does remember.

So, and if anyone says "how can you get that from what she's said?" I shall roll my eyes with extreme annoyance.

  1. They have been close friends for two years. Let's put the colleague thing to one side, because their friendship has been outside of work and very much in many areas of each other's lives.
  1. They have both supported each other through the breakdown of previous relationships. Both hold torches - or so OP thought - for other people. At least she does.
  1. There have been previous conversations about them being an item, it has been agreed that it's not going to happen.
  1. The day before everything blew up, he asked again and she said no, we've agreed this before. She was clearly not an arse about it. Why? Because she was worried about him and contacted him by text several times the next day on an evening out that he wasn't at. She'd been drinking, so probably texted more than she would have if she hadn't been. Arranging to meet up probably shouldn't have happened, but drunk.
  1. He clearly was upset because despite not being much of a drinker he was v drunk when he turned up. She was too.
  1. There was conversation and argument. About exactly what? Well, at least some of it was clearly about the being an item thing. She doesn't remember all that was said, but does remember the "You're losing it, you'll lose your job over this" bit. Who wouldn't, it's pretty in your face.
  1. And she's posted because he won't tell her what the problem actually is, because she doesn't remember exactly everything that was said on that night. To be fair, he was so drunk that he probably doesn't either.

And those are the facts. The stuff back in the office. I'm not at all convinced that he has said anything to HR, because OP would have been called to HR or her manager by now. Maybe his manager did tell him not to have any contact with her, but we don't know what he said to his manager. So, OP is in the dark. She doesn't know what pushed everything to this point. Imagine if you went out with a friend who you were very close to, there was a bit of heated argument that you couldn't remember all of because you were both drunk and then they cut you off without ever letting you know why, or what you might have said that was so awful. It would be horrible and you'd want to know why. OP wants to know why.

Clearly, OP he won't tell you and I think you will have to talk to HR/his manager to get nearer to the bottom of it. Even then you might not find out exactly what really went on. He is behaving like a brat and I think your friendship is dead. No friend would make you suffer like this, know that you just want to know what the problem is because you want to make it right, if possible. I think he's punishing you because you don't want to be with him. Obviously I could be wrong, but I can't figure out why else he'd be behaving like this. Do keep away from him. It's going to be horrible to have to deal with this through the workplace but I can't see any other option and also you need to know if he has made a complaint about you (unlikely) or what he has told his boss (which could be the truth or lies). That's it really.

PacificDogwod · 17/09/2017 20:10

Wow, Raven, kudos! Grin

RidingWindhorses · 17/09/2017 20:18

He's basically having a massive trantrum because OP doesn't want to be with him.

I've seen this happen before in the workplace, I don't know why some men take rejection so badly.

Rainbunny · 17/09/2017 20:41

There is a lot of information missing OP and some of what you've written seems contradictory? He said that he wanted a relationship with you but later you state that you both hold candles for other people?

What did you say when you called him after the work do when you were both drunk? That seems to have been the final event that has caused all this fuss.

Also, I think you should have gone to HR when he first mentioned it to you, who knows what he may have said to them. Although I'm not convinced that he has really gone to HR, if he had gone to them and made a complaint about you I would think you would have been contacted by them by now since you say this was over two weeks ago. Is it possible that he is feeling hurt and embarrassed and is using the HR thing as a way to avoid you?
Regardless I would go to HR and be honest with them about what he has said to you, if he has made a complaint you really need to get in front of this.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2017 20:47

Raven...have you ever thought of taking up a hobby ?

treacletoffee23 · 17/09/2017 20:50

I am just wondering if the person for whom Op " holds a torch" is someone else at work?... A superior maybe? Married? and in her drunken state she confessed all to her friend? May be totally wrong.

RidingWindhorses · 17/09/2017 20:57

Maybe we are her hobby. Grin

SnowiestMountain · 17/09/2017 21:12

Wow Raven, are you police/solicitor/lawyer or something? Your summary is excellent!

OP you're going to have to go to HR/his manager or none of us are ever going to get to the bottom of this.

KindergartenKop · 17/09/2017 21:31

I'd just leave it. If hr had a grievance they'd have brought it up by now.

Miranda15110 · 17/09/2017 23:04

Honestly I'd ride it out and feign surprise if the issue is raised in the workplace. Sounds like he's not happy you don't feel the same way he goes and he's shown his hand. Although social events organised for colleagues are an extension of the workplace. However you were both pissed and it's your word against his and vice versa. Give him a wide berth and document any contact, texts etc just in case.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 17/09/2017 23:17

Laughing at Raven's summary, specifically number 6. "There was conversation and argument. About exactly what?"

Erm, precisely what everyone else has been asking all along. There are no details of that! Never mind all the other stuff, that's flim flam. The most important bit is missed out. I.e. How exactly they fell out. What each said. How it was left.

Prideinmyplace2 · 18/09/2017 00:11

I sensed it was a relational issue from the gecko. Hell hath no fury like an alpha male scorned!

His feelings for you were stronger than vice versa...I say he wanted to make love to you; felt rejected & hurt...now wants you to go through some of the pain he experienced. Very immature, I know as a similar thing happened to me - we ended up being perfunct to each other for 2 years, it was awkward until I left - though not the end of the world. In my case we ended up in bed together after drunken works do. I didn't want a relationship...

If you haven't heard anything officially by now you're unlikely to. From what you/he say he's discussed something with his boss & simply been told not to have contact with you (it could also be painful for him if he did...). I would strongly suggest that you respect his boundary before you do really get in trouble. Live & let sleeping dogs lieSmile

Take care

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/09/2017 00:48

I understood "you are losing the plot" to be that she was mad for still holding a torch for her ex and refusing his advances (after all his "disinterested" efforts to be "supportive") and then he threatened her with losing her job because of refusing. He was very drunk when he said this and was massively annoyed/upset/embarrassed when he realised. He also knows that this could be quite serious for him and his behaviour is a way of making her worried and scared. I think he's creating this mysterious drama to be spiteful and make OP worry as payback for the rejection after all his efforts - which has worked.

BananasAreGood · 18/09/2017 00:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jux · 18/09/2017 01:20

Excellent, Raven.

People who are asking for further details of therunken conversation clearly have no recollection of what it's like Wink

Krissiew · 18/09/2017 08:15

If HR/ or your manager have not contacted you by now then move on. He obviously does not have anything to say they are interested in and have told him simply to keep his distance if it upsets him. Get on with your work/life and leave it in the past. If you cant hold it then dont get drunk and stay away from him is the same advice HR have given him. Move on.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/09/2017 11:10

ha ha BananasAreGood. Quite right

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/09/2017 11:19

I understood "you are losing the plot" to be that she was mad for still holding a torch for her ex and refusing his advances (after all his "disinterested" efforts to be "supportive") and then he threatened her with losing her job because of refusing. He was very drunk when he said this and was massively annoyed/upset/embarrassed when he realised. He also knows that this could be quite serious for him and his behaviour is a way of making her worried and scared. I think he's creating this mysterious drama to be spiteful and make OP worry as payback for the rejection after all his efforts - which has worked.

Well as you weren't there you don't know and the OP either can't remember as was so drunk, or doesn't want to tell us what she actually said in the whole incident.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 18/09/2017 11:36
Smile
AprilLady4 · 18/09/2017 13:54
Smile
Mustang27 · 18/09/2017 16:59

Hey @grimmm how has work gone today? I really hope it's not been to rough.

InsomniacAnonymous · 18/09/2017 17:01

I'm more interested in the gecko.