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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
astoundedgoat · 16/09/2017 12:02

It doesn't really sound as mysterious as a lot of posters on here seem to find it.

Coworker has decided that he is love with OP. Puts his cards on the table, is rejected and mortified. Gets hammered. OP texts him several times over the course of the hammered evening & they meet up. OP is also hammered. They have a hammered conversation that goes very weird, and becomes inappropriate to the point that they have a row and coworker is too embarrassed and upset to come in for a week. He talks to his boss. Boss says "give her a wide berth, back off and get on with your work", but coworker dramatises this and freaks the OP out, making her worry that he might have made a complaint about her.

OP - your friendship with this guy is 100% over. Avoid him completely and carry on with your job. If you keep asking him what's up, you are actively keeping the drama alive. Just let it go, for his sake and yours.

KitKat1985 · 16/09/2017 12:05

I'm a bit confused here. From what I can gather you guys were close, and you went out one night and got drunk. He said he wanted a relationship, and you said you didn't. Is that right? But I'm not following how that lead to him reporting you to management, and why his manager would have said you are not allowed to speak to him. I can understand why he would be a bit hurt and maybe avoid you at work, but there's nothing here that I can see being a management issue. That's why I'm confused. Can you explain why management are involved? But yes, in principle I'd say just keep out of his way as much as you can and don't contact him.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 12:05

@astoundedgoat he co of a lot of reading between the lines there with no information from the OP as to what her part in all this is.

kali110 · 16/09/2017 12:09

Well, if you weren't so unprofessional as to be drunk around your work colleagues none of this would have happened in the first place, would it? Why on earth do people find it so hard to control themselves?
Maybe because some people are actually friends with the people they work with rather than just 'colleagues'?
They wouldn't expect this?
Maybe some people actually enjoy spending time outside of work with the people they work with, maybe a strange concept to some...

Does this guy like you op? Is he unhappy that you won't go out with him now you're single?

astoundedgoat · 16/09/2017 12:09

PigletWasPoohsFriend Do you mean I'm reading between the lines or other posters are? What I posted is a summary of what she said in her posts, as I read it. The only thing she has left out is the nature of the conversation (a verbatim account of a drunk conversation is not likely to be brief or sensible) and the nature of what he said to his boss (which she can't know).

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 12:11

Maybe some people actually enjoy spending time outside of work with the people they work with, maybe a strange concept to some

Yep but you do open yourself up to stuff if you get drunk on a works do.

People have been sacked for behaviour on a works do.

Not sure as to why you think it's a strange concept that you can enjoy yourself without getting drunk tbh.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 12:12

The only thing she has left out is the nature of the conversation

Which is the crucial piece. She has said nothing other than a text after, as to what her whole part in that night was.

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2017 12:14

What I posted is a summary of what she said in her posts, as I read it

Not really. You filled in the blanks to skew it a certain way. From the co worker being in love, what the boss said, why the company worker was off, how he felt, then the co worker dramatising and why...you made all that up totally, she said none of that shit. Hmm

Slimthistime · 16/09/2017 12:14

From what I can understand, he's just upset that you won't go out with him
Don't talk to HR
He is probably talking shit when he says he talked to them, what could he have said?!
Just carry on working in your usual way
Don't talk to him unless you have to
He is cray cray and probably a nasty piece of work too
Seriously, note for the future - keep work and real life separate
Too much aggro otherwise

AskBasil · 16/09/2017 12:25

OP your posts are incoherent, which is why people are puzzled. You are leaving something out that's obvious.

It sounds to me like a case of "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" - as any sensible woman knows, that is massive male projection, it's men who go batshit crazy when women reject their sexual advances.

Sounds like he's pissed off that you've turned him down and has decided to punish you by pretending that he has some kind of power over you at work and can keep you in a suspended state of anxiety.

But given that you've been so sketchy, this could be massive over interpretation, so details would be helpful

Nanny0gg · 16/09/2017 12:26

Do you actually have to cross paths for work? Or can you avoid completely?

TitaniasCloset · 16/09/2017 12:28

I'm tired of this thread. I can't believe I just sat and read it. If the OP doesn't care enough to post the details why should I bother giving advice or trying to read between the lines? Eff that.

AskBasil · 16/09/2017 12:28

Well, if you weren't so unprofessional as to be drunk around your work colleagues none of this would have happened in the first place, would it? Why on earth do people find it so hard to control themselves?

Fuxache, my colleagues regularly go out together and get hammered. Sometimes I go with them, sometimes I don't. I don't get hammered because usually I drive, but it's perfectly normal and you'd have to be seriously uptight to pretend that everyone should always remain professional and in work mode on a night out.

nakedscientist · 16/09/2017 12:30

I think HE is in trouble (older, senior colleague hitting on younger, lower ranked colleague) and has been warned, informally, to leave OP alone before he digs himself deeper into the shit. Thus he can't tell OP what's wrong since it will incriminate him even further.

Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 12:31

Maybe because some people are actually friends with the people they work with rather than just 'colleagues'?

But OP knew they werent just colleagues when she textes him to meet up. They had already had a conversation about it

Softkittysillykitty · 16/09/2017 12:31

You don't have to give details you don't want to of course, but what you have written doesn't make sense without the crucial bits.

IfYouHappenToSee · 16/09/2017 12:39

Why are people still posting?

It's obvious from the last response that you're not going to get anything more.

This is trending and is a complete non thread because of it!

QuimReaper · 16/09/2017 12:44

This thread is exausting.

OP, WHAT EXACTLY is he accusing you of that makes you unhinged and will result in your termination?

NotAgainYoda · 16/09/2017 12:44

I am sure this is a coherent narrative in your head. Trouble is, none of us is a mind reader Grin

Jux · 16/09/2017 12:49

He's embarrassed at his own behaviour and what he's said while dnk, and he's feeling rejected.

If you have a good relationship with your boss/his boss then you could ask if he's said anything and say that you think he's ended the friendship but that you will act professionally at all times. That way, your arse is covered if he becomes vindictive.

Give him as much space as you can. If you have to work closely then you miht have to tell him to snap out of it and to be professional. If he can't or doesn't then you may have to take it further, but cross that bridge whenyou come to it.

dolcezza99 · 16/09/2017 12:49

Fuxache, my colleagues regularly go out together and get hammered.

Why? Don't you have any friends to go out with?

Going out to get "hammered" is not normal, especially not with professional collegaues. Ridiculous that people feel the need to let themselves go to that degree - how old are they, 15? If you can't control yourself, then you have only yourself to blame when it all goes tits up in the office. I find it utterly pathetic.

kali110 · 16/09/2017 12:50

ep but you do open yourself up to stuff if you get drunk on a works do
Who said it was a works do?

kali110 · 16/09/2017 12:52

Why? Don't you have any friends to go out with?
Some of my best friends are people i work with.
I assume she has friends, why cant people be friends with who they work with Confused
Maybe you can't, but most people i know are friends with who they work with outside of work.

BananasAreGood · 16/09/2017 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InsomniacAnonymous · 16/09/2017 12:55

What did you do or say that caused him to say that you'd lost the plot and would lose your job, OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread