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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague won't tell me what the problem is?

303 replies

grimmm · 16/09/2017 08:37

A 2 year friendship with a senior male colleague ended in a drunken Saturday night fall out a couple of weeks ago. In the heat of it he said I would lose my job as I'd "clearly lost the plot" etc- I dismissed this as the drink talking and emotions running high. I sent him a text the next day wishing him well etc. No reply. He didnt turn in for work on a weeks sick leave. On his return I asked him if he was OK, only to be met with "Ive been advised not to speak to you, we're not to have contact". Presumed I would hear something from a HR or a superior but nothing. After a week I sent an email, keeping it professional but asking for clarity any grievance he had. No reply. 2 weeks of being ignored pass and I confront him in person about the nature of any disciplinary coming my way- he has told me he isnt having contact with me "on the advice of the boss and will report this contact to boss."

AIBU to ask his manager what this is all about? How hes handling it feels pretty degrading too. AIBU to worry?

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 16/09/2017 17:15

then told you you would 'lose your job over this' (assuming refusal to be in a relationship with him) he has realised he has left himself very vulnerable to a sexual harassment case

Thats not what she said. She doesnt know why he said that or said that she was unhinged. Thats the detail she is not giving or cant remember

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/09/2017 21:25

he has realised he has left himself very vulnerable to a sexual harassment case.

How in earth did you get that from the very little information the OP has posted?!

MammaTJ · 16/09/2017 23:03

Well, she said he wanted to be in a relationship with her and she said that she refused. She also said he said she could lose her job over this. You know, just joining the dots......

I may be wrong but I doubt it!

yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 17/09/2017 09:20

Is it 'Grimm' as in 'Grimm's Fairy Tales'?

BananasAreGood · 17/09/2017 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzabellasasperella · 17/09/2017 12:19

Is this thread still going? It's one of the most annoying I've read for a while.

Gorgosparta · 17/09/2017 12:22

Well, she said he wanted to be in a relationship with her and she said that she refused. She also said he said she could lose her job over this. You know, just joining the dots......

Yes but the relationship converstaion happened the day before. The op hasnt said that ot was his response to no relationship.

He was put. She texted him to meet up. But as she is giving no detail we dont know.

She could have given him the impression she had changed her mind or said she had changrd her mind. Then changed it again.

He could feel that she keeos blowing hot and cold and wants to keep him dangling.

The point is that we dont know. We are all joining the dots, but dont really know. The details could change the view.

In any case i think the Op has what they wanted and it wasnt advice or help.

LineysRunner · 17/09/2017 15:14

If I cared any less I'd probably be thinking fleetingly of Louis Walsh's verrucas

thenamesarealltaken · 17/09/2017 17:25

Until you have official warning, you are doing nothing wrong by asking him about this comments. But after him asking you to keep away, you now need to. If his boss has advised him not to speak to you, then you need to go to HR and report the incident and get your version of events on record. Without any other information, it's impossible to say anything else.

Whinesalot · 17/09/2017 17:27

You have to ask HR.

LauraBfromNY · 17/09/2017 18:04

girlfriend, he went offence so you would go defence-which you
have. however, you have what sounds like a very very very strong sexual harassment case. i'd speak to external counsel (and no i am not a lawyer)

RupertsMum2 · 17/09/2017 18:08

Personally I would do exactly nothing. Ignore him, get on with your work and put him out of your mind. If you are called upon due to a complaint from him them tell them he made a pass at you, you declined his attention and he's blanked you since and you don't know what he's talking about.

AdalindSchade · 17/09/2017 18:17

Op has avoided answering any questions and just posted 'thanks'
How irritating

Agerbilatemycardigan · 17/09/2017 18:23

It's highly unlikely that he's gone to the boss or to HR, because if he had, they would've contacted you - that's what generally happens with these things.

He doesn't want to talk to you because he knows that he can't back up the lie about he's told you about going to the boss. It also sounds as if he's got a seriously bruised ego and doesn't want to lose any more face.

scottishretreat · 17/09/2017 18:27

You are leaving so much out OP. Did he make a pass at you - did you make a pass at him - did you use illegal substances in front of him - or steal something - make an embarrassing confession of some sort? Unless we have some idea of context we have no idea what to suggest. Whatever has happened he seems to be very troubled by it
Or...OP has described exactly what was said, and what happened, and none of that lot was any part of it!
Maybe he got upset, and said some stupid things and overreacted - that is possible, people do that, especially when drunk. it's not necessarily the case that the OP did enough outrageous things to completely justify his words!

Tini17 · 17/09/2017 18:29

Maaaaaan, this thread is a bit hard work...

Practical stuff:
Dig out the company's grievance policy unless you haven't already. Check if you can take a personal day maybe? Go to HR first thing tomorrow and ask for clarity and a formal meeting. Line up a union rep / somebody to support you for the meeting. As pointed out by others, something isn't adding up. HR would have advised him to tell you to contact them directly, they wouldn't have told him to say what he did unless they are not very good. And you would have had a formal letter by now.

And while things are fresh-ish in your mind, write down times, dates, what you remember of conversations with him, copies of emails, texts etc incl how you felt at a time. If there is a grievance, you'll need it in a timeline.

Hope all goes well.

euromorris · 17/09/2017 18:30

We're you guys 'friends with benefits' when he asked for the relationship, and you rejected him?

Definitely feel like something is missing here, that went from him being happy and friends, to requesting a relationship and getting blind drunk. I'm wondering if you were 'friends with benefits', he developed stronger feelings as a result, and was then deeply upset when you rejected him as he thought you felt the same?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 17/09/2017 18:34

As pointed out by others, something isn't adding up.

Yes the Ops part in it all.

Ooogetyooo · 17/09/2017 18:48

Yes Grimms fairy tales

Hunstanton · 17/09/2017 18:50

OP it would be good to hear from you on the update tomorrow. But my gut call is there is absolutely no HR involvement because SURELY they have a duty to inform you (if you have been named/implicated) in a work based transgression. He unfortunately sounds unhinged and I would imagine this would colour all future dealings with him. And rightly so!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 17/09/2017 18:59

Maybe I'm issing something but if it happened outside working hours and premises, it's personal and ought not to be brought into work at all.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 17/09/2017 18:59

....missing something..........

MsHarry · 17/09/2017 19:08

You seem quite laid back about the possibility of losing your job. If I was told what he said to you on his return to work, I would have spoken to HR immediately.

AuntieStella · 17/09/2017 19:09

I don't think he's a 'colleague' - rather just someone who happens to work for the same organisation.

Because if there was a business relationship, then there would have to be official instruction about how the work issues that they wouid communicate about need to be handled differently now. This has not happened, and there has been a fair period of time with no contact (which also suggests no professional reason to interact).

So OP should just accept his decision that the friendship is over. Bus reasons for that might be good, bad or indifferent, from OP's POV, but from his they are enough. There isn't a single thing she can do about that. All she can do is decide whether to pursue him, or turn to other friends for her social life.

user1497199406 · 17/09/2017 19:11

Some of these replies are mad, I'd hate to work with people who see being anti social as "professional." I'm a consummate professional while in the work place. But my colleagues are some of my closest friends and we've had many drunk chats/laughs/rows. Your colleague sounds like a teenager OP, ignore him.