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Original poster

Is this unreasonable punishment from Teacher of 5 year old?

573 replies

sharond101 · 14/09/2017 21:52

DS is 5. He has never been in trouble before, not really but there was incident at school yesterday and a boy told him to pull down a little girl's pants which he did and she told the Teacher. He had his picture put on a dark cloud on the wall and given Time Out which meant yesterday and today he spent playtime in the class without adult supervision drawing pictures whilst the other children played outdoors. What has really annoyed me though is that when the Teacher returned after breaktime she took his picture off him and put it in the bin. He is very upset. Says he doesn't want to go to school and that she (teacher) shouts all the time.

OP posts:
2014newme · 15/09/2017 06:56

Omg.
It's likely the worst thing any child has done at the school so far this year!
Have you not taught him the pants rule?
Have you not taught him if someone tells you to do something that's wrong, you don't do it?
I doubt the teacher cares about 'boosting his confidence' she'll be more concerned to prevent another serious incident. He could be temporarily excluded if it happens again. You need to get your shit together on this op. Parenting fail.

MaisyPops · 15/09/2017 06:58

It depends sea

If what happens is:

  • boy playing around and the 2 of them were joking about pulling pants and they then pull a girl's pants down
  • girl tells teacher
  • teacher removes all these breaks
  • child is fully alone with zero supervision the whole time
  • teacher gives him drawing equipment
  • teacher shreds drawings in front of him

Then yes, i think it's not how I would handle it.

But then I think about experience of schools and the amount of times I've had children go home and essentially do the same thing as the OP's child (e.g. turn on the tears, say another child told them to so it's not their fault, claim the teacher is mean and nasty/shouts all the time) because thry know that home will call school to demand to know what happened / complain to the teacher. And on balance, the 2ne situation vastly outnumbers the 1st.

Personally, the OP should be saying 'pants are a private area. When you are at school you play nicely and are kind. I know it wasn t nice losing playtime but that's what happena when you don't play nicely. Go and say sorry ti mrs bloggs and the girl tomorrow.'

Notreallyarsed · 15/09/2017 07:03

I don't believe that a 5 yo was left completely unsupervised tbh.
I think the focus of this has to be the wee girl who was humiliated, what about how she is feeling? What if she's too scared to come to school, or it's knocked her confidence? I've got boys and a girl and I'd be furious if this happened to any of them, even more so if one of them had done it to another child.
OP, not that you've been back, but if you're still reading, you're focussing in the wrong place. You're minimising what your son did and trying to make his life easier, which is exactly the problem. He did wrong, he was punished for it, you should back the school.

user789653241 · 15/09/2017 07:11

That's awful. Poor girl. Imagine that happened to your child, boy or girl.
If that happened to my ds, he will definitely be seriously traumatised.
It's not the thing you can easily dismiss as being 5 years old.

Charolais · 15/09/2017 07:13

If it were my son I’d punish him at home and I’d also be worried that the little girl’s parents would give him a good thrashing. Pulling down a little girl’s knickers is a terrible thing to do!

SilverBirchTree · 15/09/2017 07:13

Your son has to learn that his behaviour was inappropriate. In 10 years doing the same thing would be a criminal offence.

The teacher was right to come down hard on him, whether he understands it or not. Don't undermine the lesson by showing sympathy for him.

He's been punished, hopefully won't do so again, time to move on. Don't cloud the lesson by arguing about the moral equivalency of the punishment

SilverBirchTree · 15/09/2017 07:14

If it was my son, I would also punish him at home to make it clear how unacceptable his behaviour was. Show a clear united message

catkind · 15/09/2017 07:29

If it were my son I’d punish him at home and I’d also be worried that the little girl’s parents would give him a good thrashing.
FFS of course they won't if they don't want to spend time behind bars. Attack a 5 yr old? Ridiculous. If it was my DD I'd more likely be reassuring the other parent that they're just learning. Particularly if they were encouraging their DS to apologise etc. Parents feuding doesn't help anyone.

grasspigeons · 15/09/2017 07:32

It's a reasonable punishment for a serious thing to do. Cloud, missing playtime.

If you are genuinely concerned you could check how he was supervised (I can't believe he wasnt) but out of his earshot.

The bin thing doesn't sound like the best thing thing to do-again id give the benefit of the doubt this once.

thegirlupnorth · 15/09/2017 07:35

Speak to the teacher, I'm sure he won't have been unsupervised but it's worth checking. Also throwing the picture in the bin is callous. Any punishment for the child who instigated it?

LadyPenelope68 · 15/09/2017 07:39

He will not have been unsupervised, he will have been watched from a distance, but at 5 years old probably didn't realise that. I think you need to support the teacher here as this could have been a safeguarding issue, so they will deal with it by sanctioning the child (i.e. Loss of playtime). You are seeing your child too much as the victim here, he hit himself in trouble and needs to deal with it.

You say you're worried it will knock his self confidence losing a playtime, imagine how that little girl feels, I imagine she's more upset about having some child come up to her and pull her knickers down.

Worriedwonderwoman0 · 15/09/2017 07:41

Gosh in TEN years yime it would be a criminal offence!!?? Good job he has TEN years to learn then isn't it
What a stupid thing to say, the kid is 5.
Yes it was wrong and not acceptable but it's not some evil villain racing about the school plotting to pull as many knickers down as he can in order to cause distress is it? He was being stupid - because he is FIVE

hippyhippyshake · 15/09/2017 07:42

Regarding the 'callous' throwing in the bin thing. I'm sure the following scenario is acted out in infant schools across the country. Wet play, children colouring and drawing. At end of play children asked if they want to keep them. If so, put in bookbag, if not put on pile for recycling. At the end of the day an adult puts them in the recycling bin. Cue a child saying their work was binned. Absolutely true, but with a twist 😄

Weebo · 15/09/2017 07:50

I think more importantly than punishments at home you should be focusing on making him understand how what he did made the other child feel.

Have a serious talk about how important respecting other peoples bodies is. The NSPCC PANTS campaign might be useful here.

I know it's crap seeing him upset but punishments aren't supposed to make people feel good.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 15/09/2017 07:58

Maisypops. Sadly for you and your pop psychology noi don't have a teacher chip on my shoulder lol. But I understand that teachers are human too and make mistakes in their work and I believe this is one. I 5 year old pulling down the pants of another is very naughty behaviour and not sexual. No sexual act was involved and I dispAir of anyone who can't see this for what it is a very naughty boy doing something naughty. As an entirely sepetate issue the teachers lack of communication is appalling, if it's an accurate description the punishment was entirely ott, if you think not informing parents about an issue the school viewed as so appalling is ok, I would like to know how you think school and parents are supposed to work together. This was a big teacher failure and (whilst dealing with my son) I would be heavily questioning the school over how they dealt with the issue. The actions of the boy and the actions of the school are entirely sepetate

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 08:01

Sadly for you and your pop psychology

Says the person who send to have decided they know exactly why the DS did it and knows exactly what happened without actually being there.

please also use paragraphs

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 08:03

Gosh in TEN years yime it would be a criminal offence!!??

Less than that actually.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2017 08:03

As the mother of a 9 yo dd, I think the punishment was excessive. Had he done this to my dd in reception year, it wouldn't have created any lasting damage. Had he done it to me at the same age, I would have been mortified. Because I had zero confidence and already hated myself by that age. That was to do with my parenting.

It sounds as if your ds was told to do it and he just did it without question. He's little. As a mother, I think the best thing you can do is to talk about him not doing things, which he thinks aren't ok just because someone tells him to. A poster said something to the effect that he's a good boy and the teacher thinks he's a good boy too.

I'd also be writing an email to the teacher so that it's on record and so that you can get a response. I'd calmly tell her his perception of the punishment and the affect it had on him.

I'm really struggling to read some of the comments on here. He's 5 fgs. He did a silly thing and imo it's a learning experience for both him and his mummy.

Sirzy · 15/09/2017 08:05

Mummy - your post comes very close to victim blaming there basically saying if a child is upset by someone doing something like that it is their own fault or their parents fault!

Notreallyarsed · 15/09/2017 08:05

Of course it wasn't sexual, he's 5 ffs. That said, it was wrong and would have been humiliating and distressing for the wee girl who he did it to. That can't be minimised, because she has the right to go to school without being humiliated and having her pants pulled down.

The parents who storm into school and demand answers as to why their kids were punished and minimise are usually the parents of "those" kids, who know that they can do as they please because mummy will fix it with the teachers. He did wrong, he was punished, hopefully he'll know not to do anything like that again (encouraged or not!)

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 15/09/2017 08:05

I think the best thing you can do is to talk about him not doing things, which he thinks aren't ok

Do you know he thinks it wasn't ok?

Had he done it to me at the same age, I would have been mortified. Because I had zero confidence and already hated myself by that age. That was to do with my parenting.

So if the little girl is affected by it it's down to her parenting? Wow Hmm

I would have absolutely hated it. Absolutely nothing to do with my parenting.

Notreallyarsed · 15/09/2017 08:06

Mummy my 4 yo DD doesn't like anyone to see her naked, does that mean I'm a shit parent? or that I've taught her it's her body and she has autonomy over who touches her and who sees her

RedForFilth · 15/09/2017 08:19

Haven't rtft but I just feel sorry for that little girl. Something similar happened to me at the same age and I felt shame and embarrassment when I thought about it even many years later. It isn't just the act of doing it, it's everyone seeing and laughing.

I wouldn’t have ripped his picture up but tbh we have no idea if that was true and I doubt that a 5 yo was left alone all breaktime.

Whatever the boy's motives were, he knows it was wrong. He knew it was wrong when asked to do it as well. The cloud and losing breaks were totally fair enough and hopefully the lesson will be learned. I would imagine it will take a lot longer for the girl's confidence and self esteem to return to what it was though as an incident like that isn't quickly forgotten.

CrumpettyTree · 15/09/2017 08:33

Your initial post went into great detail about how your son has suffered as a result of this and how the teachers are in the wrong but briefly glossed over what he did to the girl with no mention of any sympathy for her.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 15/09/2017 08:45

Piglet as a grown woman of 41 if I pulled down your daughters pants in the middle of a school yard I'm not surprised you wouldn't entertain me tbh! Assuming you mean if my child did it to your child, I can therefore only assume you would prioritise your petulant strop over engaging with another parent over an issue which affects both children so you could try and create a situation where both children who would have to go to school together for many years could learn the importance of learning from mistakes and empathy (in the case of the boy) and forgiveness when it is sought (from the girl). Or are you advocating showing your child if anything happens to them they should just hold that grudge for the rest of the lives??? Maybe you would advocate a "good thrashing" of the 5 year old boy like another poster. Fucking hell no wonder kids are growing up unable to cope if anything goes wrong! They kids are 4/5 years old for Gods sake! This is probably why we wouldn't be going for coffee ( thank God I work and don't have to deal with this shit at the school gates).